His Weapon - Book 1 [Z.M]

XXXVIII

Like the falling
Autumn leaves
I knew you wouldn't stay
And like the fog
That blankets the trees
We were always meant to fade
- Sabina Laura

The presence of Zayn next to me was comforting. I wasn't my usual self. Whenever I even remotely attempted to break down he would wrap his hands around me and kiss my forehead and I knew if mum could make even a single movement she would smile until her cheeks hurt.
     We spent about an hour and a half with my mum before I finally decided to leave her be. Along the line I did spot a few of the nurses spying in on us to see Zayn. For five long years they hadn't seen anyone accompany me except for Cheryl so I wasn't surprised and neither could I blame them for the lack of complete privacy.
     I honestly felt invaded. I felt out of place next to him and awkward for how much I've let him know when I barely know a rat's ass about him but then again I reminded myself that I love him, not the other way round.
     I walked ahead of him as we exited the hospital. My heart was torn to pieces once again after seeing my mum in such a state.
     I turned and gave him a wide smile as I waited for him to unlock the car but he didn't. His gaze was intense as he trapped me. Tears were threatening to betray me as I stared up at him questionably through my lashes.

I knew he wanted to say something, anything but didn't know how to even start. I managed to force a smile, readying myself to clear the air with a joke but what he did in a matter of seconds completely caught me off guard and broke me down completely.
     He pulled me into a tight hug and I completely broke into tears. My heart clawing its way out of my chest as I cried into his chest. His signature scent calming and comforting me in ways I never thought possible. The harder I cried— the harder he hugged me. Holding onto tightly me like if he let go I'd vanish but I wasn't complaining.
     I can't begin to estimate how long we spent in such a position before I eventually pushed him away softly. The ride back to his apartment was silent.
     My head was all over the place. Several thoughts were running through my head and it killed me. They were thoughts I shouldn't be having.
     I departed to my room immediately we returned— wanting space from Zayn. Today only scared me because of how much I rely on him. It's beginning to seem as though I need this man in order to breathe and with every passing second I hate it more and more.

It's scary how just a little squeeze of my hand can make me feel invincible. I shouldn't need anyone. I shouldn't need anyone in order to feel strong. My source of strength can't be from anyone when I have soo much at stake. I have my mother to think about and depending on Zayn for emotional stability could ruin me. People can break you when they are your weakness.
     I began to pace around my room— pulling at my roots when a soft knock sounded on my door. It was him, I knew it but for some strange reason I didn't want to answer. My feelings for Zayn weren't being questioned. I love him to the moon and back but that's why I'm scared now. I love him too much not to be scared.
     "Baby? Are you okay?"
His voice was laced with concern and it took every bone in my body to remain rooted to the ground.
     "—Please let me in!"
He pleaded and that was enough to give me the courage to barge into the closet to start packing. I needed space. I needed to think.
     I need space away from Zayn. I need a time out on loving him.
     I thought he had left but when I opened the door he was sitting next to it with a bunch of keys in his hands. I frowned as I scanned them, wanting to laugh but couldn't find it in me at that time. To think he was sitting outside of my bedroom door contemplating letting himself in, wow.

He chuckled and stood to his feet and I smiled, not forced this time. However, his smile instantly dropped when his eyes landed on my duffle bag.
     "Did I do anything wrong? Or say something I wasn't supposed to say? I'm soo fucking confused."
He was panicked, confused even and I was genuinely surprised at his reaction.
     "No, I—"
     "—Are you leaving?"
He cut me off and I sighed painfully— looking everywhere but at him.
     "I just need space to think."
I reached for his cheek and planted a soft kiss to his lips but he didn't kiss back. Confusion was still written all over his face and I frowned.
     "Hey, I love you. I just need to clear my head."
I whispered and he furrowed his brows— pouting. He reached out his palms and caged my face between them— forcing me to look directly into his eyes and he leaned in closer.
     "—Don't overthink anything. I'm not going away. What we have isn't perfect but I do genuinely have feelings for you and don't intend to go anywhere."
     How he just knew that that was my worry sickened me to my stomach. I'm quickly becoming soo scared of loving Zayn that it's messing with my head. I intend to be back before he even notices but I need space.
     I nodded, holding on to his hand as he pulled me in and peppered kisses on my forehead.
     "Please stay till evening. Let me make you soup."
I chuckled— followed by nods and he smiled, intertwining our fingers and pulling me away.

Zayn made me sit on the barstool as he maneuvered his way around the kitchen, picking and choosing the ingredients he intended to use. The sight before me continued to force little giggles out of my lips and he goofed around also— making me completely forget about every fear I had minutes ago.
     We got interrupted by the ringing of Zayn's cellphone and his playful demeanour instantly shifted when he read the name of the caller.
     "Hey Don."
He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration— eyeing me and I gave him a smile which he returned with a wink.
     "Yeah about that—"
He scratched his head nervously and that definitely got my attention.
     "—Sorry I won't be able to make it tonight." He screwed his eyes shut as he listened to the reply of the person he just cancelled on.
     "I will totally make it up to you babyface. I really am sorry and no, don't say that!"
     "You'd meet her soon. We still have plenty of time."
His eyes met mine and he winked which made me look away to prevent the laughter that was pushing it's way out of my throat. I would've been dying of jealousy if it didn't dawn on me that it was one of his sisters.
     At that point I stopped listening as I scrolled through my phone replying Cheryl's text messages.
     "Now where were we?"
Zayn rubbed his palms together and I laughed.
     "Who was that?"
I stood to my feet, making my way over to him as he reached for the chicken breast.
     "—My sister. She invited us for dinner but after earlier I figured you aren't in the mood for socializing?"
I wrapped my arms around his waist as he spoke, laying soft kisses on his back.
     "How many sisters do you have?" I asked immediately I realised I didn't know the answer and he turned his head to the side so he could see my face. I know absolutely nothing about this man and yet I'm soo mesmerized by his mere existence— it's crazy. And fucking scary.
     "Three. They made my life miserable. . ."
I giggled and he turned around fully, stealing multiple kisses but I wasn't complaining.
     "I think it's the other way round. You can be a handful."
I pursed my lips and groped his butt to lay emphasis on just how much my hands are occupied with him and he faked hurt.
     "You're supposed to be on my side babe."
He instantly attacked my face with kisses and I giggled— wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer.

It took convincing for him to allow me to help him make the soup. I wasn't of any good use either cause I'm not a good cook. When the soup was ready— Zayn sat on the floor and pulled me down so I was straddling him as he fed me. Just being close to him intensifies my want for him every time and I thought it would have subsided by now but it's only getting stronger.
     We spent the next twenty minutes exploring each other' lips before I finally mustered up the strength to pull away.
     Without even having to speak he pouted and I chuckled.
     "Clingy much?"
I joked but he literally blanked out. It was vividly obvious that his mind raced back to a series of events that weren't soo pleasant but I knew he wouldn't tell me even if I begged. I furrowed my brows, waiting for him to snap back to reality.
     "Babe?"
I poked his chest playfully and all he did was look at me. Emotionlessly.
     "—Ugh, you're right." He buried his face in his palm and I frowned.
     "What?"
     "We need a break. I do."

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•Princess T•