bittersweet [yoonmin]

37.

"You look like shit." Jungkook comments sticking a cigarette between his lips.

"Thanks." I mumble getting a stick for myself.

"You never showed up at the beach house. It was lit." Jin mentions.

"I bet so."

"Where were you anyways?" Hoseok asks.

"I . . . I had a very eventful night that I wish to not recall."

"Hoseok is lying. We know exactly where you were." Taehyung says.

"Huh?"

"There's videos of you on Instagram taking shots at Jisoo's party. How come you didn't invite me? You know I have a crush on her."

"Whoa, wait, wait, there's a video of me?"

"That's beyond the point! Why didn't you invite me to Jisoo's house?" Taheyung insists.

"Where's the video? Is that everything it shows?" I ask panicking. I hope there's not a video of an angry naked Jennie telling everyone about our embarrassing experience.

That would be the end of me.

"Here." Jungkook says handing me his phone. I nervously take it to watch the video. I sigh relieved when I look at it.

It's just a video of me taking a shot and that's it. It's only five seconds long thank the Lord.

"What were you scared of?" Hoseok asks.

"Nothing. I'll catch you guys later." I mumble throwing away my unlit cigarette.

"He's so mysterious nowadays." I hear Jin mumbling.

I hate to hide secrets from my best friends, but how do I tell them the truth? Like "oh you guys, Yoonji is a girl and a boy at the same time!"

You can't just tell people that.

Especially not your friends who think you're straight.

After I woke up at Yoonji's a day ago all I could do was get up from her bed and crawl back out the window.

I did stay to observe her sleep beside me for a few minutes, I'm not going to lie. I just didn't know what to say when she did wake up so all I could do was run away from her, like I've been doing for weeks.

Even though I was severely intoxicated that night I remember every single one of, Yoonji's words.

I'm still confused and I've been thinking about it since I woke up yesterday morning. The eye bags under my eyes are a proof of that.

A part of me feels better to know she's not actually a full guy. Her breasts are real and she is a girl technically.

But at the same time she's not.

It's a constant tug of war. Do I accept her? Do I not accept her? If I do accept her how would we even have sex? Because there's no way in hell I'd ever be attracted to having sex with another penis involved.

"Ouch."

I look up when I've bumped into someone. My mind was so out of place that I didn't even realize there's people on the way.

My eyes meet with Jennie's. Out of all the people that come to school I had to bump into her.

"Jennie."

She quickly tries to walk away, but I grab her arm holding her back. "May we talk?"

"I have nothing else to say to you."

"Please, let's talk real quick."

Jennie's friends have gathered around us looking at me viscously. She nods and signals her friends that it's okay.

"Let's talk somewhere else." I mumble looking at other people walking by the hallway.

"Fine." She replies walking ahead. I follow her to the courtyard where no one is. She takes a seat on a bench.

"So what do you need to tell me?" She asks as I sit beside her.

"Listen, about the other night it's not what you think."

"Oh, so you didn't use me to get back at Yoonji or whatever? I'd like to remind you that you couldn't even get aroused while we were trying to have sex because you were thinking of her. Then you did get aroused because you picture me like her!"

"Jennie, it's not like that—"

"Yes it is, Jimin. I'm tired of your unreasonable shit. Just own up to it. It infuriates me because you won't admit it. Admit that you still like her."

"It's because—"

"Don't keep lying. Please don't. I really like you, but your lies are hurting me so much more. I wish you would feel the same for me and it's clear that you don't. How can I keep pretending everything okay when it's not? I deserve better, Jimin. I don't deserve to be your second choice. I don't deserve to be used to get another girls attention. I'm worth so much more. Don't keep acting like I'm crazy and like I don't know what's going on. Just tell me the truth."

I look at Jennie who looks like she could cry. I've made her cry so much. I can't keep hurting her.

"Okay, it's true. I like her. I'm sorry I used you. I thought I could forget her with you, but I couldn't . . . I can't."

Jennie gulps her eyes filling up with tears. "Oh."

"Jennie, I know this might sound selfish but please don't tell anyone about the other night."

"I won't tell anyone. The last thing I want is for others to know I couldn't arouse you."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really mean it, I'm so sorry."

"I'm not going to tell you it's okay because what you did to me is really fucked up. I'm also not going to tell you I'll be okay because I know I won't. It's going to take a while for me to get over this. For now, I don't want you to speak to me. I don't want to have hatred towards you and right now I'm really angry at you. I just need time and space. I hope you understand. If you decide to get back with her go ahead do what makes you happy. Just be mindful of your environment because I might be around. I don't want to sound petty or anything, I'm just really hurt."

"I understand. I won't bother you anymore. Once again I'm so sorry."

Jennie nods her head getting up from the bench. "It was nice being your almost girlfriend, Park Jimin. I hope you find the happiness you've been pretending to have. Maybe she's the happiness you've been searching for and you're looking right over her."

Jennie walks away leaving me sitting down on the bench. I stare at my shoes for a long time until the bell rings.

First period has already started and I'm late. I pull out my phone to look for my contacts.

"Tae, come to the courtyard ASAP. It's urgent."

After I hit send I wait patiently for Taheyung hoping no teacher catches me out here. I can't afford another suspension.

The door opens Taehyung running towards me. "What's up? I told the teacher I had to pee. I've never ran so fast."

"Can we skip?"

"Skip? What? I can't skip I just told the teacher I'd be right back."

"Please, it's urgent."

"Why do we need to skip?" He wonders.

"I think I'm gay."

Taheyung's mouth drops open. A confused expression on his face.

"Shit. Let's go I've got my car keys."