bittersweet [yoonmin]

49.

"Listen, I know you want to beat the shit out of me. I also know you really, really, dislike me—"

"You're right."

"Alright, but listen here—"

"I really don't like you. In fact I want to break all of your ribs."

"Okay, I get that—"

"No, you don't get it, Park Jimin." He says turning around to face me.

I take a deep breath and look around the football field. "Why did we come all the way over here?"

"I didn't want no one to hear me beat the shit out of you."

My eyes widen clearing my throat. "Oh yeah? Well, believe it or not I can fight."

"I doubt you can beat someone that's a foot taller than you."

"I'm not even that short!"

He rolls his eyes crossing his hands over his chest. "I won't beat you up. My sister cares about you too much."

"Yes, I know she does."

"I just really, really, really, hate you."

"Hate is a strong word."

"You give the word meaning."

"I just want to tell you that I understand your hatred towards me. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't want me close to her either. I was a real douchebag for treating her the way I did and I truly am sorry."

Namjoon shakes his head, "You don't understand, Jimin. You really don't and as much as you try to tell me you do, you just don't. Yoonji is the person I love most on this entire planet. There's not a person I will ever love more than her. You don't understand how it feels to see the person you love most suffer. She suffered so much for you, do you know that? After everything that happened with Jackson the last thing I want is for you to break her heart again. You know what he did to her right? I'm sure she's told you about him."

"I'm not like Jackson I've—"

"You're worse than him."

His words hit me like a ton of brick. Worse than Jackson? That's tough to accept how can I be worse than him? Am I really?

"I— I'm not like him! I'm trying to change."

"Trying is not enough, Jimin. You have I actually change."

"How am I worse than him? Am I not improving myself?"

"You're far worse than him because Yoonji has so much affection towards you. Even more than she ever did for, Jackson. Do you know how I felt watch her cry herself to sleep every night because of you? Do you know how fucking helpless I felt to watch my sister fall apart like that? I couldn't do anything about it because no matter what I told her it wasn't enough to heal her wounds. You destroyed her self esteem and I can't forgive you for that. She's already insecure about herself and for you to stomp all over her and call her vulgar names is something I won't ever forget. Yoonji claims she's forgotten but I know she hasn't. I still hear her cry every night and that makes me feel so shitty. Her self esteem is so low and she thinks of herself as monster. She looks okay and acts okay, but I can see right through her. She's not okay. She falls apart every day. She's such a sweet naive girl that falls too easily and loves too hard. I saw her ruin herself over Jackson. She fought too hard for him and it wasn't enough. I just don't want her to go through that again."

It feels like the breath has been knocked out of me. An instant culpability floods me. Yoonji is going through so much and if I haven't made it any better will I ever? How come I didn't even notice? I'm such a fool.

"I just . . . I just want to fix everything. I want to make her happy again."

"I'm not trying to be a pessimist here or seem like the bad guy. I'm just trying to protect her. You and I both know this won't work out. Don't try to fool yourself just like she's fooling her own self."

"How would you know that? You haven't even given us a chance to work it out."

"Because I see things with clarity. Right now you and her are in cloud nine. You both feel in love and content, but sooner or later you'll end up back where you left off. It's mainly her fault for not being honest with you from the beginning. I told her multiple times to say the truth before you found out like Jackson did. She didn't listen to me and she kept hiding it. I know it's her fault, but she was so petrified of losing you. I saw true fear in her eyes every time I confronted her about it. And I'm not making up an excuse for her but you have to admit that confessing something like that is not easy. This relationship is already set up for failure. It started with lies that lead to more lies and that lead to heartbreak and distrust. You might say you're trying but are you really? Are you okay with her being the way she is? Have you accepted the fact that she's intersex? If you were so see her naked would you feel disgusted and ashamed? Have you thought about the future? Have you thought about when you two fight? You're going to rub it in her face that she lied to you sooner or later. You're going to do little things that hurt her feelings and you won't even notice. Yoonji is very fragile and she won't stand another heartbreak."

"Oh."

It's all that comes out of my mouth. I'm literally speechless. My heart is sunk at the bottom of my stomach. My lungs suddenly feel like there's not enough air.

"So what do you want me to do?" I whisper.

He shrugs, "I'm just asking you to think this throughly. Don't let things escalate and let her get used to being with you. It'll be harder for her to let you go if you continue with this. If you honestly want to be with her then go ahead. Just think about everything I've told you. Think before you continue to bring her hopes up. Don't be cruel and lead her on like you did before. No one deserves that."

Namjoon walks away and leaves me standing under the bleachers. I sigh leaning my back against them.

I didn't expect this talk with Namjoon to be so heart wrenching. I've got Yoonji's happiness in my hands. Literally.

Her happiness depends on me.

That's so much pressure.

The last thing I want is to break her again.