bittersweet [yoonmin]

47.

Yoonji's eyes slowly open with precaution. The light shining from the window irritates her eyes making her shut them once again.

She stretches yawning. "Oh gosh it hurts." She mumbles quietly grabbing her head. I grab the pill bottle from the nightstand beside me to take two of them out. Then I hand them to her along with a bottle of water.

"This will help."

She opens one eye and takes them from my hand sitting up. Then she places them in her mouth drinking the water.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

I take the water bottle from her and put it back on the nightstand. She stays still with her eyes closed rubbing her temples.

Then she sighs loudly. "I smell so gross."

"No you're fine. I made sure to brush your teeth last night. I was going to shower you but you fell asleep."

"You brushed my teeth?" She looks at me.

I nod my head, "I did."

"Why does it feel like a bus ran me over thirty seven times?" She groans.

"You're hungover." I laugh.

"Even speaking loud hurts! This sucks why do people enjoy getting drunk if they know they're going to feel this way the next morning?"

"To have fun or to forget their problems for a few hours."

"Is that why you get drunk?" She asks.

"Sometimes I mainly do it to have fun though."

She closes her eyes again rubbing her fingers down her arms. Her eyes open again as she looks down to see her clothes.

"Why am I wearing your shirt?" She mumbles with a panicky voice.

"After we got home you changed into your pajamas and then threw up again. Only this time all over your clothes. So I took it off, put my shirt on you, and then brushed your teeth. I also took the liberty to wash your clothes for you. They're drying right now."

"So you . . . undressed me?" She whispers almost inaudible.

My face starts heating up my heart racing. "I had to. Unless, you wanted to wake up with puke on your clothes."

She pulls her shoe and glances inside. Her eyes shut quickly. Her cheeks turn a bright red and she covers her face.

"I'm sorry I had to take off your bra too. It was covered in vomit."

"Oh." She mumbles still covering her face.

"I didn't mean to be a pervert."

"I just . . . it's not that."

"What is it?"

"I didn't want you to see me down there." She whispers.

"Oh, it's okay."

"But it's not." She mumbles sinking back under the blankets.

I get under the covers beside her to remove her hands from her face. "It's okay don't worry about it."

"I know you got disgusted. Don't say you didn't."

"I didn't."

"Stop lying to me, Jimin." She says with a frown.

"Well it didn't."

She sighs pulling the blanket off us. Her eyes are focused on the window in front. "Yoonji, don't get mad. It didn't disgust me."

"It upsets me that you lie to me when I know the truth."

"I am telling the truth."

"Then why did you freak out two nights ago when we were making out?"

I press my lips together not knowing how to reply. She looks down at her hands, "Exactly. You don't have to say anything. I know you don't like that I'm not afull woman. It's okay, I wouldn't like myself either."

I grab her face making her look at me. "I like you, Yoonji. Stop saying nonsense. We're working through this okay? I'm sorry if I make you feel that way. It's just going to take some time to get adjusted to the whole situation."

Her chin starts quivering and look back down. "I'm sorry, Jimin." She sniffs. I pull her in for a hug letting her head rest against my chest.

"Stop apologizing it's okay."

"I just don't want you to feel so uncomfortable around me. I'm sorry if I ever do make you feel that way. I can't help being a boy. I think I should just give up trying to be something I'm not."

"Yoonji don't say that! Listen to me," she pulls away from my chest to make eye contact again. Her eyes are filled with so much sadness it hurts my heart to see her this way.

"You can't give up on your dreams, okay? I'm here to support you no matter what. You don't have to try to be a girl because in my eyes you already are one. I can't stand to see you this sad. Please, forgive me for this awful weekend. I thought it'd be funner than this. I'm so sorry. I tried to make it fun for you because I adore you so much and—"

I stop talking once I realize the phrase that just escaped my lips. Adore. I've never used such word to describe my feelings towards another person.

"You adore me?" She asks her eyes widen.

I blink several times to trying to calm my heart from beating out of my chest. Why did I say that? And why does it feel so right to say it? A sudden realization of what I just told her falls over me. The thing is that I don't even regret saying it. It's almost like I can breathe a little better.

"I . . . has someone ever told you they loved you? Someone besides your grandma or your bother?"

She furrows her eyebrows confused but nods. "Jackson claimed he fell in love with me."

"Well let me tell you that I dislike the word love. Not because of its meaning but because it's a word that's so focused on one emotion that can't be described at all. It's like the word "hate". It's also so focused on one negative emotion that can be described in so many different ways. I don't love you, Yoonji, because love is a word that's too selfish to describe how I truly feel about you. Love wouldn't even describe half of the things you make me feel. Adore is the word I would use to describe how I feel about you. It doesn't matter what your weaknesses or flaws are because all of that is overwhelmed by the amount of happiness you bring to my life. So I don't love you, I adore so much you."