bittersweet [yoonmin]

56.

"Are you okay?"

Yoonji turns to look at me and nods her head. "Yeah, why?"

"You've been awfully quiet these past couple of days . . . if it's because of what happened . . ."

"It's not that." She quickly replies looking back up to the sky.

It's currently 2:36 a.m. and Yoonji and I are laying on the cold wet grass. I'm a bit cold and my clothes is damped, but I don't care.

I wouldn't want to be elsewhere than here with her watching the stars. "Then what is it?"

She shrugs sighing. "Nothing. Hey, that star is so big and bright." She quickly says pointing m towards the sky.

"Why're you changing the topic?"

"I'm not. That star just caught my eye."

"I'm pretty sure it's because of what happened." I whisper. "Sorry, it wasn't what you expected."

She turns to face me again, "It's everything I excepted. It was perfect in my own way."

"It was perfect for me too." I smile.

We stare at each other for a while not saying anything. She reaches over to caress my cheek gently.

Then leans in to plant a kiss on my lips. It's very soft and heartwarming. When she pulls away she keeps caressing my cheek.

"Jimin." She finally says.

"Mhmm?"

"I think you should go to that university."

"What?"

"Yeah, I think it'd be good for you. You're very smart and talented."

"Yeah, but if I go I won't be able to see you. I'd have to move there."

"Maybe that's what's best." She whispers pulling her hand away from me.

"What?" I rapidly ask sitting up. She sits up beside me and stares at her hands.

"Jimin, I think we should break up."

As the words escape her lips I feel my heart in my throat. How could she say that? How could she say it so easily and effortlessly like it doesn't mean anything?

"You want to break up? Why? What did I do?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? I'm confused. You're kidding, right? Please tell me you're kidding!"

She finally looks at me and the look on her face tells me she's not playing.

"Why . . . how . . . I . . ."

I have a whole speech going on in my head and I can't seem to get the words out. It's like I forgot how to speak. I'm literally speechless.

It suddenly feels like someone is grasping my world away. How could I ever live without her?

"Yoonji, we can make it work! Tell me what to fix and I'll do it! I'll do anything!" I wrap my arms around her needy.

Maybe if I hold her tight enough she won't have no other choice but to stay with me.

"Jimin, listen to me." She quietly says.

I refused to let her go, singing a song in my head and squeezing my eyes tightly. I'm starting to see stars and feeling tears spill from my eyes.

"I don't think I can do this right now. I'm sorry. I like you. I adore you so much, but I can't . . . I can't keep pretending I'm okay because I'm not and—"

I keep mumbling song lyrics trying to ignore what she's saying. I'm hearing every bit of it.

"Jimin I—"

"If you fucking adore me so much then why are you doing this?" I angrily ask pulling away.

She blinks several times not saying anything. "Why can't we just keep trying? We're making it work aren't we?" On the last word I choke. I quickly clear my throat and try to make it seem like I'm not falling apart.

"I can't accept myself. I don't accept myself. I don't love myself how could I ever accept the fact that you do? That night when we . . . it was perfect, but wasn't it embarrassing for me to keep my pants on?"

"No! I understand that you're having difficulties but soon enough—"

"I won't. Not until I'm fully okay with who I am. I've tried to act like I embrace myself and in reality I don't. I need to get away. I need to think and start loving myself. I've been thinking about this for a while. I appreciate everything you do for me. I tried to make it work I really did. And I want nothing more but to be with you I just can't."

"Yoonji we can do it. I know we can." I desperately hold her hand swallowing the knot on my throat.

"We won't. We're not a normal couple, Jimin. Have you thought of that? Have you thought that we don't have normal issues like every other couple? We don't have sex like every other couple? We don't look like every other couple. You're too perfect for me. That's the only way I can describe it. I'd never compare to any of the girls you could ever have. That's my problem. My insecurities are eating me alive and I still cry at night. I don't know why if you make me so happy. I still feel sadness and blueness. I still feel numb and empty. It's me, it's not you."

"I — I can . . . we could . . ." Once again I'm left speechless. I'm the one feeling numb and blue now.

"Maybe we can meet again one day. When I'm okay and when we're both okay. I know this is not only hard for me. I know it's super hard on you too. I basically fucked your life up in ways not imagined. I lied to you from the start and that was wrong of me. I should've been honest from the start and I caused—"

"You didn't cause anything. I'm okay now. I really am."

"Are you though? Do you still not wonder why you like me even though I'm this way? Are you not conflicted with yourself? Because I would if it were me."

"Yoonji, just stop. We don't have to talk right now okay? It's close to three and you're tired. Yeah that's it. You're just tired and you're sleepy. In the morning you will feel much better alright?" I say kissing the top of her head over and over.

If I just show her how much I adore her she won't leave.

Yoonji stares at me deeply. Then lays back down on the grass staring at the sky again. "Jimin, it's what's best. I'm sorry if you hate me." She whispers.

I stare at her for a few seconds trying to feel anger towards her, but I don't. How could I ever feel hatred towards such a perfect human being?

In reality all I feel is sadness.

So I lay back down beside her and feel myself sink into deep emptiness. "Can we just lay here?" I ask staring at the stars.

"Yes."

"Can I hold your hand?"

"Yes." She whispers stretching her hand over and holding mine.

"I know saying I love you is cliche and all, but I do. I not only adore you, I love you too."

She smiles her cheeks turning red.

"Me too, Jimin. I love you too."