angel. h.s ✔️

forty.

"You're important to me and they know that."

It was a strange feeling the one bubbling inside my chest at Harry's words. One that I hadn't really felt before, the idea and concept of being cared about. Obviously I knew I was, I had Mum. But even then, we weren't overly close.

I was sure it was because I wasn't deserving of any of it which made the feeling slightly unsettling inside of me but I didn't voice my thoughts knowing that Harry wouldn't agree and I didn't want to risk an argument.

And although we'd only been here for an hour, two at a push I was enjoying myself.

Instead I sent Harry a small awkward smile and settled into silence as we stayed on the deck, Harry nursing his bottle of beer and me people watching everyone stumbling about and laughing in the garden; despite the almost sub zero temperatures everyone was in a good mood.

Maybe that was because of the anticipation of the new year. I wasn't sure if I was looking forward to it or not. I still didn't feel any different without Tommy and I wondered if I was ever going to.

Maybe being single hadn't sunk in yet.

I didn't even know what being single felt like.

But I did know it was the first new years in five years that I was single for, although like the last five I was at a party where I knew only a handful of people. But this time, I was happy to be here. And that was definitely Harry's doing.

"I left the first time he did it."

I saw Harry turn to face me with a crease forming in the middle of his brows and without thinking about my statement that I hadn't realised I'd wanted to say, and without thinking about my actions I reached out and smoothed it out with my finger.

Harry pushed against my touch and lent into my finger making me smile softly before I dropped my hand back to my lap only to have the one closet to him plucked up and I watched in silent fascination as Harry's fingers pushed through the gaps of my own once more.

"We'd known each other for two months and we were already together and I remember when he did it. It was in my bedroom. I had said something, I can't remember what now it was so long ago but I said something stupid and he disagreed.

"He said I needed to learn how to accept being in the wrong. I screamed at him after it happened and I mean I screamed at him to get out and he did. Eventually. He apologised the whole way down the stairs and out the front door and I was crying. Which looking back on it was pretty pathetic."

I sucked in a cold breath of air before exhaling and watching it form a cloud of fog before disappearing. I hadn't thought about this for the longest time. I didn't want to think about it now but I felt like I needed to get it out.

Needed it to be in the open otherwise it felt like it was going to suffocate me.

"I remember telling Fran too and she threatened to castrate him."

Harry laughed loudly making me smile,

"It was hilarious, a fifteen year old girl threatening that but it meant the world to me. I had to beg her not to start anything or tell Mum. She listened eventually.

"He spent about two weeks apologising, I had so many flowers and so many voicemails that sounded like he was crying.

"I felt so guilty that I went and saw him. He told me he was sorry and that he just got so angry because he cared about me so much. He told me that I was different from other girls, my age and his. Said I was intelligent and beautiful which was the most laughable thing all things considering."