angel. h.s ✔️

seventy.

It was raining.

It was raining and part of me wanted to smile at the irony, it was like the world knew she was gone. Like it knew that it's sunshine had left and now there was nothing except pain and sadness and that came in the form of rain.

But I couldn't. I couldn't smile because Sunshine was gone and I was never going to get her back.

I was never going to be able to hold her, or kiss her or watch her cheeks turn red when she caught me looking at her. I was never going to be able to look at her again.

My jaw ached from keeping it clenched so tightly, the rain pelting my coat as we stood outside in the graveyard. My arm getting sore from holding the umbrella above me for Janice to stand under but I wasn't going to stop.

It was hard enough for Janice as it was, her only daughter, I wasn't going to be a cunt and make her hold her own umbrella too.

I had been a cunt though when she'd found out, too much of a baby to tell her myself. I didn't think I could tell her myself.

Instead I just watched, hidden down the hallway watching as Matt and Ryan turned up at her hotel room door, uniformed and knocked, watching in silence as their mouths moved.

"Ms Tate, we're so sorry but theres been an accident."

Just as we rehearsed it, I could practically hear Paul formulating the plan, how to tell his ex wife, the mother of his first born that was she gone and wasn't ever coming back.

I just watched as she clutched at her chest, her face falling as she crumpled to the ground, a wretched cry leaving her lips. It was funny how alike her and Sunshine looked sometimes.

Today was the first time I'd even left my fucking flat.

It had taken almost three fucking weeks to get this far, for Sunshine to be buried. It had been three weeks since I'd seen fucking daylight and I didn't want any of it.

I didn't want to come, I wanted to stay inside where her clothes were, where it smelled of her and I imagined that she'd come walking through the door any moment. Paul had turned up with Louis and Niall and Eleanor, forcing me to shower and dress.

They were all here too.

In fact there were so many people here, the people Sunshine had worked with, her school friends, Francesca and even her family, the people she'd met through me. I don't think she knew how much everyone loved her when she was here.

But we did, I did. I loved her so much and I knew I wasn't ever going to be able to love anyone ever again. Sunshine was truly it for me and I had only had her for four months.

It was my fault too, if I hadn't been so selfish, wanting her for myself, getting involved with her and Tommy Scott then she'd still be here. If I'd just managed to show her that she didn't need to be with him and left her alone she'd still be here.

But she wasn't.

Instead she was laying in a closed coffin in the muddy ground, all pale and cold. Because of me. Because of how selfish I was. Because I loved her.

I jumped as Janice held my hand, people watching me and I blinked as I realised they were waiting for me and I held back my tears. I had been holding the flower so tightly my knuckles were white and I felt a fresh rush of sadness hit me.

Sunshine would have held my hand until it released and my skin was back to normal and then she would have slipped her fingers through the gaps in mine and given me that shy smile she always had.