You Feel Like a Dream (18+)

Approaching 4am

  As I laid next to him, I felt I needed to tell him. That there would never be a desire for another man to be inside me as he has. That he has birthed and shown me what love is. The pain I feel still unsure of how this will all come together, how we could be more than this fantasy time together, as corny as it sounds. The time with him has been worthy of a fairytale. I can say I have wept over men, but I have not sobbed at the thought of being without him. Questions keep me from allowing myself just to let all go; it will be as it may. Not happening this time, I ponder could we possibly have some sort of life; I vowed never to date an actor. Now I've gone and fallen head over heels in love, my feelings are most certainly reciprocated and then some.

We spoke silently and loudly. Our eyes never closing, even if we adjusted positions in my bed to prompt more comfort for sleeping. I couldn't stop my mind from just going from one thought to another. Occasionally he would say something, and it would lead me to think, are we crazy? Or so genuinely perfect for one another. It made me wonder about myself, about my life, about whom, and how I loved. I had never encountered a man who made me feel any of these emotions, experiences, expressions, feelings? All of it made no sense, but when we faced one another looking into his eyes, it all made sense. He made love to me once more before he left. He was very emotional, as was I. I think I am completely ruined for anything other than emotionally attached. It was a high like no other, have another person feel what you feel, and together you are joined as one. Where this time apart will lead us, I am not sure. But it was inevitable. Something was bound to take us separately to allow us to make a choice, one that works for both of us if this is real or just complete lust with the idea of love at the heart of it all.

He would celebrate the Christmas Holiday with his family and then depart to film. One offer he had been waiting for with his father for years. There was no way I would ever interfere with this place, this part of his life. I know nothing about it, and I would never come between someone and their family. But his holiday would be short as would our time together if I left. Part of me wanted so much to go, and the other part of me kept screaming responsibility. That I am not 20 anymore. I have these dealings before him and quite possibly after him. I surmise only time will tell. Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Will our lives even coincide with such a time difference? I most certainly feel like a silly woman right now believing in soul mates? I've watched too many romantic films, admired an actor from afar. Here he is lying in my bed, professing any and every emotion he was feeling. A trait that comes sometimes, I assume, being with an actor.

" Harlow, I will beg if I have to please, we have a little past an hour left. Come with me." He said as he placed his hand on the small of my back. Pulling me closer to him, nuzzling his face in the nape of my neck. I stammered for the words. " Tom, this time apart, I think it is good for us. We have to take care of important issues that were long before you and I. Once we can be together, we shall see if that time apart brings us closer or apart. This is with any long-distance relationship."
" I've never been in one!" He says, resting his head on my chest, as he lay on the side of me. He didn't say much, his alarm went off on his phone, and he hurried to find his clothes. He went into the bathroom, cleaned up, brushed his teeth. All while saying not a word. He was utterly lost in thought or shut himself down from me. Can I really blame him?

" Are you just not going to speak to me until you leave" I clamor at him. " I don't have much bloody to say, Harlow. Some women would line up to have me ask of you what I am. But no, you are dead set on making me leave without you." He gets closer to my face. Taking his pointer finger and pushing his chest over his heart. " Might as well bloody fucking cut it out. I leave now; I'm telling you there is no us? We won't be able; you won't be able?" He yelled at me. " What does that mean I won't be able," I yell back. "No, no.... I'm wrong. You won't be capable of making you and me work." Using all kinds of dramatic gestures. Making me fudge all the words I wanted to say to him. Then I thought, could he possibly be picking a fight because he is this angry he isn't getting his way? Or is it so that he throws the guilt all on me, so I walk away with blood on my hands that I ruined our perfect life together.

Nothing is perfect; we are learning that. His life takes him across the world, and mine well takes me to many different places. Some of which I can stay for long periods of time. He hasn't let me explain this. I have to meet with this A list client before Christmas; there is no getting around it. And my job is no less superior to his. That was the vibe I was getting from him, and that made him ugly to me. But what I had to understand was he had to do this; this is how he copes by pushing away before anyone else can. Unfortunately, he is angry I already did. A man of his stature, his talent, his beauty, his brains, women never say no to a man like this. I am! Not because I want to but because I have too.

 
  4 am sharp; a shadowy black SUV pulled in the back gate. He grabbed whatever he had with him as I followed him to the rear foyer entrance. " So this is it, this is how we are going to leave things. Us fighting, and you're on some high and mighty horse, cause I won't bend the knee to you." I fiercely state to him. " No, Harlow, I have to go, I begged, I pleaded, I can't force you to come with me, and I cannot force you to love me the way I do you." He says with his voice choking up.
" That night, that first night we were on your terrace at the hotel suite, you said it, you warned me. Don't fall, you said, and I foolishly lost my fucking bloody mind. It was the only thing I didn't listen to as far as you were concerned. You like the company of men. I doubt you will ever be alone; you may feel alone or lonely. But a woman like you always has a man; you are born with one. Yes, you created all of this on your own with no one else's help. Though let me bloody ask you this, did you find love in two different men? Or did you just love the idea of having two men to have around you? You can't fake what we had; I won't ever have with another woman what I had with you. Know that! There was a before you, Harlow, and now an after you." He says, grabbing me close to him and kissing me so passionately, I felt limp. He picked up what he had and walked out the door, turning around slightly to see me one last time. Tears streaming down my face, as I could see him wipe his eyes and put on sunglasses before dawn had arrived. The pit in my stomach got worse as I watched him drive away.

I climbed into bed, clutching the pillow he used, his scent still fresh. Going over in my mind all he said, he was right in a lot of ways. He has a lot of me figured out before I have. Sobbing myself to sleep after 5 pm I woke up. To a text from an unknown number. With a message that read
"Was it all only just a dream!"