Vista - Attack on Titan x Reader

CHAPTER SIXTY SIX: Something To Live For

"-er what I do, everything turns to shit! I always end up fucking up, or fucking myself up..!"

Flailing my hands about above me as I laid down, Levi watched me with his chin in his palm, taking a small swig from the bottle he had confiscated from me.
"I wouldn't say that. What I did say, however, was that I would throw you into the fire if you started this drunk rambling shit."

Letting my arms fall limp, I sighed, my upper half growing colder now that it was further away from the fireplace.
"I'm not drunk...it was just enough to pop the top off my filter..." I mumbled, staring up at the cobwebbed ceiling.
"Look, I get the feeling that you're yammering away, but avoiding the one thing you really do want to talk about. Spit it out, boozehound."

My eyes narrowed for all but a second before I gave up, internally admitting that he was right. It wasn't exactly a single thing, but they all connected.
"I just...wanna know what's so bad about me..?" Levi shifted a little to face me more, half of his face glowing by firelight.
"I don't quite get what you mean."

Grunting as I sat up, I again pulled my knees to my chest, blanket bunching by my lips as I spoke.
"Everyone I know...who I care about...dies...or leaves..." I murmured, suddenly a lot quieter than I had been moments before. "Winnie didn't even...I mean, there has to be something...I just wanna know why. It feels like a curse..."

Or it's just me...

"D..Dimitri died...because of me...Eld died in my..my place...Marco, Petra, Oluo, Gunther, Mike, Nicho...Reiner just...ended up..." I trailed off, roughly brushing my loose (H/C) hair out of my face. "Everyone I get close to gets killed, or worse...and I don't wanna see it anymore. I..I wanna fix whatever's wrong with me..."

Levi took another swig, larger this time, the hollow bubbling of the alcohol louder than the storm outside.
"The only thing wrong with you is the fact that you think there is something wrong with you..." He started, wiping the glistening residue from his lips, eyes on mine. "Dimitri died because of his father. The others were murdered by Titans. Reiner...Look, I'll agree, you've had poor luck, but to think that any of those instances were your fault is idiotic."

Shaking my head, I tried to ball myself up more, scooting just a little closer to the warming glow.
"You don't get it...I..I know people die every day...but...I just...the guilt...each and every one of them...I could have stopped them happening, and I-"

"You think you're the only person who feels guilty, (Y/N)?" Levi cut in, averting his eyes once he had my attention. "I've watched hundreds of good men and women die. Most of which I have had to leave behind. I've been carrying the weight of what if for years..."

What if..?

Sighing, the ravonet closed his eyes, head dipping slightly as his hands closed tighter around the bottle.
"Years ago, I was hired by a nobleman to kill Erwin. Back then, I was scum of the underground, and myself and my two comrades...friends...were promised above ground citizenship if we could pull it off and retrieve some valuable information..."

He had my eyes and ears, and I sat there in silence, waiting for him to continue. Levi had never opened up like this before, and it was a heavy experience.
"I infiltrated the Scout Regiment, alongside my friends, Farlan and Isabel. We attempted what we had been asked, and every waking moment, I had my sights set on Erwin. I wanted to kill him, so they could live in the sunlight..."

Levi...

"Honestly, for the longest time, I had never wanted anything more...but...I could never do it. On an expedition, the one I intended to use as bait to get to him...resulted in the deaths of my friends. If I hadn't left them, so selfishly...they would have lived. They were family to me..." The emotion in his voice was real, and it struck me right in the core.