Vista - Attack on Titan x Reader

CHAPTER EIGHTY EIGHT: Back and Forth

It had taken five weeks to find the courage to get to where I was standing, but I wasn't quite sure whether I would actually go through with it. 

The door to Levi's quarters was intimidating. Befitting of such a man, even if I knew that wasn't all he was. Still, it didn't help my nerves.

The thought of facing him again, allowing him to talk, almost made me feel physically sick. I needed to know the reasons behind what he had done back in Shiganshina, but at the same time part of me felt like being left in the dark would be more beneficial to my psyche. 

He hadn't killed Erwin - my father - I knew that, but he had passed on saving his life. That was something that I wasn't sure I could ever get past, even if, by some chance, it had been the right decision.

Jean was right...I can't keep running...

When I knocked, my knuckles hit the door a little too hard, causing the sound to become almost aggressive.
"Who is it? It's late." Levi's voice called out, and my mouth suddenly disconnected from my brain. I couldn't speak, and needed a moment to compose myself as I continued banging.

"I asked who the hell is waking me up in the middle of the damn ni-" When he opened the door, I very nearly struck his chest with my fist, having to hurry to jerk it back. It was obvious he had been sound asleep by the way his vicious glare was broken by lazy blinks, but the second his eyes focused he seemed to wake up a lot more. "Oh. This is...unexpected."

Just do what you came here to do and get out asap!

Avoiding his eyes, I pushed past him into his quarters, and he made no attempt to stop me, shutting the door in my wake.
"Tell me why." My regret swelled now that we were alone, as did my frustration. Palms sweating, I waited for him to answer.

Moving to his desk, giving me a wide birth, Levi had an almost cautious air about him.
"I'll tell you, but you won't accept my answer. I wouldn't expect you to." He was trying to be careful, and that was the one thing I respected, but I came here for a reason and I couldn't back out now.

"Just say it, Levi. Don't get the wrong idea. I didn't come here tonight in hopes of fixing...whatever it was that we had. I came to get answers, and that's it. I can't ever get past it if I don't know why you let Erwin die." My tongue was sharp when I spoke, and I wasn't sure, but I could have sworn I saw the man flinch.

Usually, Levi would have sat down at his desk, or even leant against the wall, but tonight he just stood there, crutchless against my impending wrath.
"Erwin was many things. A great leader, a tactician, a brave, cunning soldier..."
"Cut to the chase." I spat, my body tensing when I looked up, finally being caught in the trap of his stormy gaze.

"...He was also the devil incarnate."

Hearing those words pointed towards my late father cut like a knife, but I couldn't refute them. They were true, after all. He had been a devil amongst men, but that had nothing to do with the issue at hand.

"He was. Your point?" It was apparent that he was going to drag this out with some long-winded explanation, but I was willing to deal with it for the time being. My patients was thin, though.
"His entire life, Erwin fought for two things. To prove his father right, and to lead humanity, himself, to victory. The things he did, both by choice and when his hands were tied, were ruthless."

I know that! Hurry up so I can leave!

"He sent countless soldiers to their deaths over the course of his reign as commander, more than any before him...(Y/N), what I'm about to say is going to solidify your hatred of me, and I'm not sure if I'm totally prepared for that...Are you..?" Why was he trying to act so caring now? After so long? When I needed him to be his blunt, stoic self?