Backstabber (Five Hargreeves x Reader)

Memes Pt.10

Five, to (Y/n): You're a secret Assassin?!
Five: Anyone else around here leading a bizarre double life?!
Klaus: *raises hand*
Five: Put your hand down, Klaus

Five: If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
(Y/n): ...bro

(Y/n): I'll give you you're dumb suitcase back if you kiss me
Diego: Five don't do it!
Five: No! I have to!
Diego: Gross, no! The suitcase isn't worth it!
Five: What suitcase?
Diego: ...she just said she'll give you the time travel suitcase back if you kiss her
Five: Oh. All I heard was "kiss me"
Diego: And you were just gonna do it!?
Five: ...yes?

Vanya: I wish I could block people in real life
Allison: restraining order
(Y/n): Murder

(Y/n): You know my friend Melanie, right?
Diego: Um, I don't know if I do
Melanie: Um, LIAR! You know me, we talked earlier today!

(Y/n): people were writing "hot or not" lists on the bathroom stalls when I was 11 and the student dean came on the morning announcements and said
Tana: who the fuck said I was a "not"

Klaus: Five, do you think about (Y/n) sometimes?
Five: Well, we just talked about her at the meeting-
Klaus: Oh, really, so what do you think?
-
Klaus: ...so do you still care about (Y/n) or is she like, dead to you?
Five: ...
-
Klaus: Hey, I'm doing a survey.
Klaus: On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate (Y/n)'s new outfit?
Five: ...
-
Klaus: Is it just me or has (Y/n) been like, working out?
Klaus: Did you see her arms? They look amazing, or what?
Five, blushing: I-uh... I mean I guess?
-
(Y/n): Okay, but what was his tone when he said it?
Klaus: You know you're paying me extra for this?

Klaus: Are you a big or little spoon?
Diego: I'm a knife
Patch, from across the hall: He's a little spoon

*In "Run Boy Run"*
Five: Where did you come from?
(Y/n): Hmm, how do I put this?
(Y/n): When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they decide that...
Five: Oh, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from?
(Y/n): My place! Where do you think?
Five: No, how did you get here?
(Y/n): I drove!

Tana: My worst trauma is when (Y/n) tried to murder me during a tornado.
(Y/n): Okay, I didn't try to murder you.
(Y/n): I just didn't save you.
Melanie: I love your friendship, guys!

*In "Rescue The Princess"*
Five: Uh, Klaus, can I ask you a question?
Klaus: Yeah?
Five: Why are we lying on the ground?
Klaus: (Y/n) shot you. So I laid down next to you so people would think we're just chillin'.

Melanie: It's kinda funny how when you get older you start to enjoy the things you hated as a kid like taking naps and getting spanked
(Y/n): The second one was kind of unexpected
Melanie: But no one is disagreeing

*(Y/n)'s flashback in Past of the Mystery Girl*
A Despair Facility member: Here in the Facility, we have a lot of laughs
[Later]
A Despair Facility member: Fuck off (Y/n)! We're not going to your fucking party

(Y/n): Why do they call them chicken breasts
(Y/n): Call them chicken boobs
Klaus: HAHAHAHAH YEAH
Klaus: "Hi I'd like to order some chicken boobs"
Klaus: "Hey mom pass the chicken boobs"
(Y/n): "Coming right up sweetie"
Five: Suddenly the apocalypse doesn't sound so bad

Five: I should go too. When (Y/n) is alone, she gets scared.
Klaus: Of what?

(Y/n): the inside of your butt is warm enough to hard boil an egg
Klaus: oh no I'm not falling for this one again
Five: what

Five: You have got to stop breaking into my house!
(Y/n): I wouldn't have to, if you'd just give me a key.

(Y/n): FIVE JUST ASKED ME OUT
Klaus: Okay, free dinner
(Y/n): Klaus I don't like dudes
Klaus: You like dinner

Lana, talking to (Y/n): If a guy calls you 'princess' in a condescending manner, assert your newly appointed royal status and have him beheaded.

Grace: Life's a party, enjoy it while you can still have fun!
(Y/n): Life's a party and I'm the piñata

Melanie: Hey guys... I just got beat up for trying to steal Five's girlfriend
Tana, sounding concerned: Oh my god you got a black eye
Tana, bursts out laughing: That's hilarious!

Tana, about to kill (Y/n): any last words?
(Y/n): . . .
(Y/n): tiddies
Klaus: good one bro

Lana: Destroy Earth
(Y/n): Let me check with Five
Five: No
(Y/n): Five says no

*alarm noises go off*
Melanie: I, I did it
Melanie: I conquered the fire alarm
Tana: What did you dO-
(Y/n): she cONQUERED THE FIRE ALARM

(Y/n): Why is no one saying a nice thing about me? They make it seem like i'm the devil! I'm not the devil.
(Y/n): And even if i was, you can't think of one nice thing to say about the devil??

Klaus: new name for lube
Klaus: high fructose porn syrup
(Y/n): I knew I should've stayed asleep

(Y/n): Just went to Subway! Got a 6 inch. You know what else is 6 inches?
(Y/n): *glances at Five*
(Y/n): Not his dick.
-
Five: YOU KNOW I'M FUCKING INSECURE! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU TELL EVERYONE!? *tears up* THEY DON'T NEED TO FUCKING KNOW! *starts stumbling his words while sobbing*

(Y/n): *loudly* why is everyone here a goth
Allison: quiet down you're interrupting the funeral
(Y/n): *whispering* why is everyone here a goth

Melanie: And another thing, Tana. Those glasses are fucking stupid!
Tana: SHUT THE FUCK UP MELANIE I'M GONNA FUCKING TAKE YOU OFF MY CLOSE FRIENDS LIST ON INSTAGRAM

Five: Can I borrow your hair dryer?
(Y/n): I don't have one on me
Five: Don't you carry a hair dryer in your purse?
(Y/n): Have you met a human woman before?
Five: *calls Allison* Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?
Allison: Of course, I'm not an animal, Five
Five: *smirks at (Y/n)*
(Y/n): How do I put up with you people?!

Five @ Tana: I'm in her dms, ur on her blocklist... we are not the same

Handler: Can you stop calling peanut butter that?
Lana: What's wrong with "sticky nut juice"?
Handler: Everything. Every-fucking-thing.

(Y/n): Sometimes I sit down and research serial killers
(Y/n): I think the case of Albert Fish is my favorite
(Y/n): Actually no it's Jack the Ripper
(Y/n): The fact that he cut a sluts face off and never got caught is amazing
Five: dope

*In "Rescue The Princess"*
Klaus: five just GO TO THE HOSPITAL
Five: whose shot wound is this???? is it OUR stab wound??? stay out of it.

Five: *balling his eyes out in the corner of the room*
Luther: Why is Five sobbing on the floor?
Diego: He's drunk
Luther: Oh... but why???
Diego: He heard (Y/n) has a... boyfriend
Luther: Isn't he (Y/n)'s boyfriend???
Diego, walking away: I KNOW!