A Soldier's Girl

Chapter 73: A New View

Chapter 73: A New View

Espen's View

I try to follow Beth's plan to a 't', but it's harder than I thought. The last time I seen John was when I left. It's hard being in the same car as him, he's so quiet and different. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him, but can I still love him? Pulling into Daryl's driveway, I shut the car off and he just gapes at the house, that's mansion-esk.

"Inside. Now." I demand, but my voice wavers. I've never really talked to him this way, even when we fought the last time I'd seen him. Heading inside, he stays by the door and I snap my fingers and point to the couch, like Beth said to do. He nods an obliges me, sitting on the couch. Pacing, I try to think of what Beth said to say or at least her guide lines, but I'm too nervous and upset to even begin. When his eyes keep following me, I feel my tears getting ready to burst. I'm not strong enough to do this. I never was. Why he ever fell for me was always a mystery. I turn away from him ad face the half wall that separates the living room and the kitchen. I try to push my tears down and compose myself, but I can't. I can't face him. I can't tell him what I want or how I feel. Walking away, I head to my bedroom and shut my door. He can walk home for all I care. I just want him out of my life.

I hear my for open and I can count his steps easily to me. The hesitation of him considering touching me is thick in the air and soon he does. Putting his arms around my waist and kissing my shoulder, I shutter and shake from his touch and it's as if I'm standing on Antarctica without a jacket- frozen and presumably meeting my death.

"I can't." I squeak out and he kisses my neck.

"What Essie?"

"Don't call me that."

"Espen, turn around."

"No."

"Essie, look at me baby." His voice is soft and soothing- like a lullaby or piano. I turn in his arms and he sinners when he sees my tears.

"I can't yell at you..."

"Okay...then let's just talk." Sitting on the bed, he pulls me into his lap and forces my head against his shoulder. It's so natural and feels so good that my old want for him comes flying back out of control. "You can say what you need too, I'll listen patiently."

Why is he so understanding?

"I hate you."

He says nothing, but his frown grows bigger.

"I hate that you came into my life and made me feel safe and loved... I can't do this." I go to leave, but he pulls me back and looks at me deep in my blue eyes. Storms forming in his eyes. "I hate that I lost the baby. That I couldn't save it...couldn't save us. You grew distant like you hated me and it made me hate you more because I let you make me feel important when all I wanted to do was disappear forever. Why couldn't you just leave me be? Treat me like all yer other patients and just forget how pathetic I am?"

Sighing, he cups the nape of my neck and leans his forehead against mine.

"I couldn't let you be just another one of my patients...you're an angel. I fell in love with those blue eyes when I first saw them. And I never blamed you. I grew distant because I'm a doctor and I couldn't even save our baby."

"It was never our baby John! A guy raped me! Raped me and knocked me up!"

"Despite that! It was mine and it was yours." He raises his voice at me and stands up, forcing me to my feet. Now it was a fight. "I love you Espen, yer just too damn stubborn to notice. I spent months trying to did you to win you back and you just disappeared. It crushed me. I never moved on from it!"

"Well you should've!"

"Why cause you did!"

"No! Because I don't deserve yer love an care, John!" I break. Turning away from him, I hug myself tightly and face the door. "You deserve way better than me...you always have. Yer parents want you to be with someone who's worth something. Not some poor pathetic girl, who couldn't even defend herself against a drunk! You'll never understand how much I hate myself for being so weak and inferior. I left because the only thing keeping us together was that baby and without it, I was back to being just another stupid girl."

My tears burn my cheeks and I feel like I'm going to be sick.

"You are so wrong, Espen Nicole Reynolds." I turn and face him, showing him my tears and noticing his. "That baby wasn't the only thing keeping us together. I love you because you were the only person I've ever felt was with the world. Yer not pathetic, stupid, weak or inferior. You are the most beautiful woman in the history of the world and yer all I will ever want."

He gets dow on his knees and pulls me close to him by my thighs.When I'm right in front of him, he kisses my stomach and then looks up at me with those smokey gray eyes.

"I want you. I need you, Essie. Don't pretend you don't want me too. Essie, you are my light. Let's start over and forget about what happened before. I love you so much."

"Okay....okay." I get on my knees and kiss him. It's foreign, but it feels like home. He is my home and I am glad that I got him back.