A Soldier's Girl

Chapter 51:

Chapter 51:

Beth's View

Sitting at my Dad's house, I play with Joel as my Mom and Daryl discuss something stupid. Taking no interest in them, I blow on Joel's tiny belly and watch him smile and coo. I can't get over how tiny he is. He's put on a pound since we brought him home so now he's 2 pounds and 50 ounces. He's not very long either, but that's to be expected. Looking into his different colored eyes, I love how they look in the light. It's refreshing each time he blinks and flashes his bright blue and bright green eyes at me.

Maggie is more than in love with him and his eyes, often saying that out of us all he is the true MVP for being so damn cute. And I agree with no amount of hesitation.

Daddy also finds Joel interesting and adorable. He often quotes old movies to compare Joel to how classic and original he is. Everyone who meets Joel Wes automatically loves him. If it isn't the eyes that get 'em, it's the smile.

"Who is so happy today?" I ask as I tickle his neck and tummy. He squirms a bit, but not much. "Baby boy! Oh I love you so much!"

"You never talk to me that way." Daryl snarkily says as he sits next to me and takes Joel.

"That's cause he's cute and yer...meh..."

"How dare you!" He kisses me neck and then kisses Joel's stomach. "Tell mommy that wasn't nice."

"So...do you think you'll have another?" Maggie asks and I raise an eyebrow to Daryl.

"We want too... But someone's making us wait." I turns my head dramatically toward Daryl and he shrugs.

"What! Is it unreasonable to ask that we want you to get better first before we start trying again."

"No...I think that's reasonable." Glenn and daddy say.

"Are you kidding, get it done and over with so you can enjoy them both near the same time." Maggie says. "You wait too long you'll have to juggle between diapers, school, and yerselves. Make it easy and pop another out as soon as possible.

"Ridiculous. All of you are ridiculous...except for you guys. You know what's going on." Daryl points to my Dad and Glenn. Looking down at Joel, he's just smiling away and gripping Daryl's finger as he goes about his business. Taking my hand, I brush the tiny bit of brown hair with my fingers and they catch his forehead.

"Daryl...does he feel really warm to you?"

"Let me feel..." Taking the place I my hand Daryl feels his forehead, then cheeks, the the nape of his neck. "Yeah...Glenn can you get me the baby aspirin and a wet cloth."

"Sure." Glenn leaves and I just begins to notice how dull Joel's eyes look.

"Daryl..."

"What?"

"Look at his eyes...they don't seem bright..." Panic sets in me and I feel my body start to shake a bit. What's wrong with my baby?

"Yer right... I think we should take him to the doctors."

"Here..." Glenn hands him the things and I look at the medicine label.

"I don't think he should take this...we don't really know what's wrong."

"Okay, Beth call Shia and see if she's in. I'll try to cool him down."

Getting in the truck, I call Shia and she tells us to bring him in. On the drive over, I sit in the back and watch him as I pat his warm head with the cool wet cloth.

"Daryl...I think it's getting worse."

"Okay...just don't panic baby...I'm going as fast as I'm allowed." It takes a few minutes before we finally get to Dr. Shia's office. When she comes back in the room, Joel is even hotter than before and now he won't stop crying. Soon he starts jerking a bit but it's not seizure like. Foamy mucus is coming from his mouth and now panic is all I feel. Daryl calls into the hallway for a nurse.

"Give him here...I'm gonna need you two to give us some space. Please go to the waiting room." Shia asks and I start kicking and screaming and crying all at once. Daryl has to pick me up and carry me to the waiting room, where I just break down to the floor and start crying even more.

"Shhh...shhh...baby." Daryl is just as worried, but I know he's being stronger than I am right now. "Shh...hey it's okay....it's alright...listen, he's gonna be fine."

"Joelllll...my baby..."

"It's okay..."

But it's not okay. It's not okay and he knows that. I can't keep myself from crying and fearing the worse. He's so tiny and fragile. Why does this have to happen to him? To us?

We wait in the waiting room for what seems like two hours. I keep crying and Daryl never leaves my side. I'm so scared and nothing makes me feel better. Finally Nicole Shia comes out to as and she seems unbiased to the whole experience.

"Beth, Daryl. Joel experienced febrile convulsions. His raise in temperature from the fever started it. He was seizing for a long time with short periods of paralysis rest in between episodes..."

"Oh my god...." That's all I can say. I wanna be sick. My chest hurts and I wanna be so sick right now.

"In most cases it wouldn't have affected a child or young baby...but Joel...I'm...I...jus...I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry, Beth...I tried all I could...More than I could...I'm just so sorry." She starts crying and has to exit back to through the door. Dropping on the ground Daryl can't even catch me. I can't feel anything or hear. Everything is blurry and I hear some one screaming, but I soon realize it's me.

Daryl is on the floor with me, crying just as bad. I can't even begin to realize what's happening. Getting up I'm just so angry and sad. I feel so many emotions I feel like my heart's gonna explode. Daryl watches me from the ground as I pace and cry, slamming my hands into the walls and counters. Pushing over the pamphlet stand, the stacks of papers scatter on the floor of the private practice and I continue screaming. The nurses behind the window stare at me saddened and also scared as I continue pushing things over and letting my angering cries out. Finally all energy depletes from me and I fall to the ground crying and sitting in the mess I created.

"WHY!! FUCKING WHY DO YOU HATE ME GOD! FUCKING WHY!! Why why whhhhyyy......" I cry so much that I start to gasp for air and feel even more sick. Behind me, Daryl's arms wrap around me and he pulls me to his lap and rocks back and forth as we cry and cry.

After we compose ourselves, one of the nurses lead us back to the room and at the sight if his pale, cold, limp body, I lose everything I've ever had.

"We tried so hard, Mr. and Mrs. Dixon...we are so sorry..." The young nurse says as he leaves us with him for a few moments.

"It's not fair....It should've been me..." I blubber and Daryl tries to intervene.

"Beth no..."

"It SHOULD'VE! I would've ratcheted die than lose him....We tried so hard for him...we tried so damn hard and he fought for us....why? Why is God doing this?"

"I...I don...I don't know..." He chokes on his words and tears pool down his face.

"It's not fair...It should've been me...God how I wish it was me...."

"Beth..."

"No! He was happy! He was different. He was fine! What happened? What happened?" Sitting in a chair, I feel weak and sick to my stomach. "Give him back....give him back! You FUCKING bastard!!"

I scream to God and just wish it was one of those movies where Joel would come back and it was all a set up.

It's dark when we leave the doctors office. We called my Dad and them to tell them, but I don't feel anything. Getting in the house I just sit in the nursery crying over everything. Why was this life? Why do beautiful things die? I sit there staring at the crib while rocking back and forth in the rocking chair and holding a Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal. I can't even cry no more. I have no more tears and my voice is gone from all the yelling. I sit in silence with only the creaking of the chair to remind me that my pathetic heart is still beating and that my baby boy's is not.