A Soldier's Girl

Chapter 40:

Chapter 40:

Beth's View

My heart aches in my chest being away from him. My heart aches because of him. Maybe it's just hormones, or maybe I really feel this way. I've ignored him, shut him out of my life and have tried to simply gather myself. He's tried to get ahold of me for four weeks and now he just stopped.

It's been hard not picking up the phone or opening his emails or letters. It's been hard removing him from my life when he's always in my thoughts.

Laying in the Podiatry office, I get my first sauna-gram today and it's gonna be the hardest thing ever without Daryl. But he doesn't want a baby, so why should I try?

"Okay, let's take a look at that baby." Dr. Yates says as he presses the reader upon the stomach that's covered in cold blue jelly. "Alright so hers the head and there are the feet, it seems yer not five weeks pregnant, but almost 20. Did you know that?"

"Na...No. I thought I just go pregnant..." It shocks my system to know that Daryl and I were pregnant back when I got shot. The risk I put myself in...the risk he was in. No. Stop. He doesn't get to do this to you.

"Would you like to know the sex of the baby?"

"I think I have a pretty good idea...but yes." Enhancing the screen he zooms into where the private parts are and it's as clear as day.

"Congratulations yer having a boy." I knew it. Daryl knew it... it that doesn't matter now.

"Thank you..."

"I'll print a picture off and you'll be free to go with that prescription of prenatal vitamins."

"Thanks again." He leaves and I look at the 3D image of our baby...he already looks like Daryl. Wiping tears away, I can't stop crying and I just start hating myself more.

Getting in my truck, I drive to my Dad's house and park in the lower driveway. walking up, I keep looking at the picture of my baby boy and I stop and cry some more. Whether these are pregnancy hormones or just regular emotions, I. Hate. Them.

Finally getting up to the house, it seems there's a slight panic in the air. I find mom on the phone yelling at someone, Maggie pacing back and forth on her phone. Shawn angrily trying to call someone and Daddy on the phone with I assume Merle, from the sound of panic.

"There you are." Shawn puts down his phone a grabs my arm.

"What's...whats going on?"

"Merle's in a panic calling you, but you won't pick up so he's talking with dad. Moms trying to get ahold of Dr. Edwards, Maggie's talking with Rick...lets go we have to leave."

"What's going on Shawn?"

"Daryl tried to kill himself again....called Merle apologizing. Merle went over and found him with a razor blade, but not any damage done and everyone wants some fucking answers." Now let's go." He pulls me to his Jeep and we drive off toward the hospital. "Why didn't you pick up yer phone Beth?"

"I was in the doctors office...you can't have he phone on and then I guess I forgot to turn it back on...is he okay?"

"I don't know...Merle said he was pretty bad."

"You said he didn't do damage though..."

"Yeah as in he didn't lose a lot of blood, but he overdosed on some prescription depressant drug." I feel terrible and responsible...which I am. "Beth, I know you don't wanna hear this, but yer too fucking stubborn for yer own good. You should've just made up with him. He's her best friend. Did you really think, with his history, that this wouldn't have happened?"

I can't even speak. Everyone blames me. I know it. Mostly cause I blame me.

"They're working on bringing him back, but Beth you gotta decide now, despite all that went on. Despite what happened to you two or what he did today. You have to decide if you truly love him enough to be with him or if her better off with a divorce, cause this is it. He's either coming back or he's not." Tears fill my eyes and he just holds my hand in his and we get to the hospital. Getting in there, we find Carol, Merle and Sophia sitting in the waiting room, all look frightened and worried.

"How's he doing?" Shawn blurts as he hugs Carol and the others.

"Not good. They're still flushing him out." Carol says and she looks at me with saddened eyes. "I'm sorry..."

"It's my fault..." I sit in a chair and hold my head in my hands. "Oh God please help him..."

We wait hours upon hours before we even see a doctor. The rest of my family has shown up and are waiting patiently, Mama and Daddy praying, Maggie and Glenn quietly conversing, Merle and Carol taking teens holding a sleeping Sophia in their sides, Shawn frantically chewing gum as he watches the tv ,and me just dying inside and trying to push everything down.

"Dixon?" A doctor comes out and we all stand up.

"Yes?" Merle steps forward and the doctor talks to him privately and tears start popping up in my eyes and breaking. When the doctor leaves we all look at Merle, who sits down and rubs his hands through his hair. "He's stable...gonna bee closely monitored and he's gonna be admitted to their psych ward for about five weeks."

"Is he allowed visitors?"

"Doctor asked he said he didn't wanna see anyone, so legally they can't let is back there without consent." Merle fists his hair and them looks at us all. "Big waste of y'all coming down here...but thanks."

The others leave and say goodbye to Merle, but I stay and stare at the fish tank. As Merle's about to leave he looks at me.

"Ya can blame yerself all ya want...but staring at that fish tank ain't gonna give ya what ya want." He just passes me by and I feel my heart cave in. I do blame myself and I can only blame myself because I fucked up big time.