A Soldier's Girl

Chapter 46:

Chapter 46:

Beth's View

I've been out for a while. Subconciously, I know this. I know I lost him also. I know that I wasn't nice to Daryl. Daryl. What's happened to him? Dear God, please let him be okay. That's all I can ask for now. Look over him and take care of our son...I can feel my heart shattering with the thought of him not being in me any more. With him not being able to breathe or ever getting to exist as a full being. My dark mind is pounding with pain and hurt, but not from the accidend, I don't care what happens to me, but with my heart. It hurts, my soul hurts, and my pride, hurts. All of it, pained and tormented, and most likely already dead. I am dead. I'm dead without Daryl. Without our son. I am nothing but a glitch, an inferior being on the face of the planet. That is what I am. Pathetic and useless.

I have failed utterly as a human. As a daughter, friend, sister, wife, teacher, mother, as a fucking person I have failed. How do I move passed this? Passed this pain and despair? Passed the fact that I will never know my son and what he could've become. I don't need people to sit and tell me it'll get better or we'll get through this. For all I know, Daryl's gone too. Then where am I? Fucked. I've wasted my life thinking my future, now, would end up perfect, but it hadn't. I fucked up and I don't get to change that.

And now, now in this subconcious state, I'm fucked even more cause I don't know how to wake up. How to get up and open my eyes to see the real world for what is out there. For all I know, I'm already dead and this is it. Is there even a heaven? Is there even a God? What's the point of this all? I know. God giveth and God taketh away...but WHY? Why does he make Daryl hurt himself and wanna die? Why does he rob me of my child? Rape me of what I wanted? Why does God set me up for this failure? Anyone up for failure? That's what I don't understand. This is what I've been asking myself from the beginning when my father drug me to church. If God wants a perfect world, couldn't he have forgiven Adam and Eve and started over again? Couldn't he erase sin? Erase pain? Denial? Hurt? Anger? Lust? All that shit? Why does he punish us when we have done nothing wrong? Punish the sinners! Not a woman who has nothing but faith in him and wants to live her life with her husband and have a baby!

Why is God unfair? Why does he hurt me? Take my baby from me?

But he is fair...

I prayed a while back that God would do whatever it takes to save Daryl from himself. Was this what he took in return? My child? Was this what I owed him? God is good. He is fair. But he also has evil ways about him. Taking children? Unborn children? He's supposed to love his children not take them. Not tear them from their mothers. He is no better than Pharoh or Poncious Pilot or the Romans. Now is he? He sent his only son, to plead for him, prove he existed and let his son die for him. Who does that? Who sends their only son to death? I realize God isn't all that different from man. He is no greater or wiser.

But he is greater and wiser...

He brought me Daryl. He taught me love and compassion. Gave me my parents and siblings and friends. Gave me the baby, though he took it away. Heard my prayers and answered most if not all of them. God is wise and great and I love him...but I don't understand him. I don't understand his motives...does he have motives? Does he even exist?

Yes he exists...

This blackness confuses me with all it's questions and thoughts. It forces me to over think all the things that in my normal day I wouldn't or shouldn't. This blackness just increases my pain, it doesn't take away from it. It leaves me dead inside and I loath it. I loath the pain and the insanity. Cause that's where I'm at now isn't it? Insanity. How could I not be? How could I be sane when my life has constantly thrown me through pain and suffering and hurt? To be sane in this Hell would be like being naked in Antarctica- I'll die before I grow fur to adapt. And I'll die before I find sanity.

**Beth... you have to wake up...okay? It's okay to wake up, Jitter Bug.**

Daryl. Is that really him or is that just my mind playing tricks on me? I feel him touching my arm, but I can't pull myself from this dark place. From the blackness.

**Beth...it's Maggie. You have to wake up...He needs you..**

It's good to know Daryl needs me, but I think he'll be better off without me. I have caused him more pain than anything else in my life. How do I just wake up and hurt him again. Face the fact that we lost our son. That I lost our son.

**Bethy, it's Shawn...Everyone's waiting for you. He needs you to wake up now. It's been about two months and he needs you. We all do.**

Why do I matter? Daryl's a big boy. He can find someone who won't break his heart. He will find someone who will give him everything he's wanted. Everything he needs. My brain needs to stop messing around with me. They're not there! They're not talking to me! This is just my brain being a bitch. Making me feel worse than I do. Fuck you brain! Just stop!

**Beth, it's Merle... I know we've had rocky times and all...ya need to be okay. Ya need to come take care of him now. Ya need to take care of him**

FUCK! How do I get out of here! How do I wake up? I wanna just wake the fuck up and get out of here alread...Wait. What is that?

Through the darkness a dim glowing light starts to appear. I feel myself getting closer to it and soon it becomes intense in my eyes and I am blinded once more by that light at the end of the tunnel.