A Soldier's Girl

Chapter 43:

Chapter 43:

Beth's View

Slowly walking outside, I walk in the moonlight to the Gazebo. I hesitate before going up the steps as I see the knife sticking up in the wooden rail, the metal dancing in the moo life and the gleam of the pond. His hands are firmly braced on the rail beside the knife and he's hunched forward. I almost expect to see blood pooling from his body, but there is none. Slowly walking across the gazebo floor, I stand on the other side of the knife next to him. Tears staining my face still from torment.

"I never want you to say you'll lose that baby or give him up for me." He blankly says as he stares at the moons reflection in the pond. "I know I'm a screw up and I fuck this marriage up time after time. I get that. But the way I feel is never to be put on you."

I can't even speak or breathe. He seems angry, but not with me. Himself. And that's part of the problem.

"I've been through Hell. I've ruined us cause of what's in my head. The demons...the pain they cause me...Its never for you to take and out on yer shoulders. I've been losing myself since the beginning... I just don't think I should live. I don't think I was ever supposed to. My parents never wanted me. I was a failure in school. I wasn't a nice person. I killed people...I jus don't see why I should live and the innocent ones should die. The only thing that's ever reminded of that I'm alive is the only thing I've ever hurt. You." He reaches over and gently places his hand on mine as I cry and he continues to look at the water ahead of us. My heart breaking with every word, breath, or sigh that comes from him.

"It's hard. It's hard continuing this life that I'm not cut out for. It's hard to know that I hurt you from jus being myself. Yer far more important than I am. Yer so strong and smart. Yer worth everything and me? I'm jus lucky to be here. To have you. Just a stupid kid with stupid luck." Tears hit his face and mine steep my chest. The cold October wind howls across our skin and bites at out cheeks. "And I'm sorry that I out you through this. This torment and pain...I'm good for nothing, always knew it. Sometimes I think that God made a mistake, putting me here on this Earth. Putting me with you. It makes me wonder if he wanted to hurt you. Curse you. Cause you certainly are with me around...you don't need me. No one needs me...you shouldn't love me Beth...you shouldn't be pained by me. I ain't worth it. Ain't worth none of this...I'm nobody...I'm good as dead."

He stops speaking for a long time and I just cry even more. I'm numb. Not from the cold night air, but from him. How can he feel those things? To say them as if they're true. His hand slides off of mine and the pain fills me up even more than before. I begin to shake and tremble. I lean against him and he shutters from my touch.

"You remember that day I was stuck in the tree?" I ask him and bite my lower lip. He doesn't answer, but I know he recalls it. "I was so scared cause I was so high...and I didn't want you to get daddy cause I didn't wanna be in trouble. Ha, I was so stupid, thinking I could climb all the way to the top and get back down."

I find our reflection in the pond and he seems even more sad, as if the memory is killing him.

"You remember what you did?" I wipe my nose and look at the stars, how bright they are on this dull stage of life. "You climbed up beside me. Twenty feet in the air just to hold my hand and tell me I was gonna be okay."

I choke on my tears and shake my head of them as I hold his hand.

"You never left my side and daddy ended up finding us, holding hands in that tree. And when we got down, you held me for hours saying 'I got you' and 'I ain't letting go'." I sniff back my tears and I look back at the pond and see his tears hit the water. "Or that time when we were riding bikes at the quarry and I broke my breaks and went off the high rocks into the water...You jumped in after me even though we both couldn't swim...I was so scared we were gonna drowned, but you got me to the shoreline and we laid on the rocks just clinging to each other. You know what you said? You said, 'I ain't ever letting go.' and you didn't."

Turning to him, I wipe my eyes and look up at him. Taking the knife from the gazebo I hold it firmly in my hand.

"For you to stand there and say you ain't worth nothing and that yer life was a mistake is bullshit." I toss the knife in the pond below us and I know I have his attention. "You don't get to choose what's best for me and this baby when it comes to you wanting to end it. You don't get to stand there and tell me I'm better off without you, when I have needed you my whole life. It's fucking bullshit, Daryl. I have loved you from the moment I knew you weren't ever letting go. I get yer depressed and you have things to work out, but you can't stand there and tell me yer life ain't important and that I'm better off without you."

I'm angry and I'm crying, but I feel this is the only way to get him to understand. Jumping up, I stand on the gazebo railing. I still don't know how to swim properly and this pond is really deep and cold. I look down at him and he looks frightened.

"If you think yer life ain't worth anything, mine mustn't be either." I get ready to jump in and he grabs my waist at the last second and pulls me to the floor of the gazebo. He holds me close and his tears crash to my neck as he rocks back and forth and whispers to me.

"I ain't ever letting go..."