Walls Of Hearts

Chapter 108

After visiting the psychiatrist, it opened up the road for recovery in a medical route and whilst it should have been reassuring, I found myself restless the first few mornings before my regular appointments. It was particularly daunting to actually have the words 'part-therapy' in my care plan because the last time I'd been to therapy was during my teenage years and I'd hated the idea of it then, too. The fact that Ayesha and I got on and I liked her was a different thing, and I was confident that I could never find that type of comfort and freedom ever again. In fact, I held myself back from it like you hold back a child running towards fire.

"Jasmine, babe, you're back to not talking again." Harry sighed one morning as he sat on the bed and watched me do my makeup. He was right - I had dipped back into the old pattern of keeping to myself. It was like a pendulum on a grandfather's clock - I just kept swinging back and forth. Even I was confused.

"There's nothing to say." I'd replied, my tone cold though I hadn't intended for it to be.

"There's so much to say, J." He shook his head as he walked over to me. He got me to look up at him, his finger gently pressing against my chin.

"No. There isn't."

"There is." He gave me a knowing frown. He was aware that even I knew I wasn't feeling the greatest that morning. And it did have something to do with turning up to my first therapy appointment.

"Harry, there isn't. Stop it." I turned to look away from him, unable to meet his piercing eyes staring into me to grasp for some loose end to unravel me with. He couldn't - I was trying my hardest to keep all my thoughts tied up, the loose ends untraceable to him and to myself and to everyone. Sure, I may have opened up to him in the park that day. Sure, I realised how important it was for us to deal with it together. But I wasn't going to allow myself to break free and be vulnerable again.

Before Harry, I was out enjoying myself whilst doing what I wanted to. But I never was in touch with my emotions even then.

I lived by the saying that goes around - 'Don't be a slave to your emotions, control them'. It was the better way to deal with them. And yes, I know, emotions only make you human. It's a natural tendency to feel them. But ultimately, if you feel your emotions once, you allow yourself to feel it again and again and again and you lose yourself each and every time. Much like a tidal wave, it consumes you; eats you alive if you will. It buries you much further than 6 feet down, pulling away from your sanity and ripping it from you. It's the language that your heart speaks, shining through you like a bright ray of radiance asking for attention or tugging you to the ground, emitting gloominess. But it's a language that's going out of date since nobody prefers to use it anymore.

Harry got me to see what happiness and love feels like. They say true love can thaw a frozen heart in that Disney movie. It's definitely true. Love breaks down barriers; it redirects your life's purpose, decorates and adorns it so you can be the happiest version of yourself. But in doing so, it leaves you vulnerable, exposed and open to attack at any time. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that every blessing is a curse and love is a beautiful, beautiful thing but it one of the most sacred and vulnerable things a human could ever commit to. Once you love, rationality and all your emotions are haywire.

Until something traumatising happens. Like what's happened with Harry and I. I do fear for us, even if it's me who's to blame for the consequences of it, but I cannot imagine ever being the same or retreating to who I was before any of this.

I wondered how Harry did it - if he did at all - remaining so positive about life despite life throwing everything it can. Did he also become numb to the pain like I did? But if that's the case, how has he manged to be numb only to the pain and still allow himself to feel happy. Or was he also under a pretence that most humans were in nowadays - cover all your emotions, bury them deep to never see the light of day and just act your way through life? Maybe I'm a culprit too - I certainly felt like one - and maybe it's hypocritical of me to say this, but I found the mere idea of it so upsetting. How did we go from bright, happy little children who experienced every feeling and more, to not accepting one of the most fundamentally human things ever - not feeling emotions? Are we really that ingenuine with ourselves and with everyone around us? It was unsettling to say the least to think about Harry potentially also doing the same even now. And I added to the pressure of it all by constantly being so needy.