Walls Of Hearts

Chapter 90

This whole chapter is literally just on mental health so it's quite a serious one :/ but remember that's what the point of writing this was! to raise awareness on mental health and help anyone who feels the same. hope you guys like the chapter!

CW// - mentions of anxiety, panic attack, eating disorder and weight throughout the chapter.

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Unknown: put on some weight, jasmine.

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"You want some good news, babe?" Harry asked me one evening as I was lounging in the living room but wasn't exactly in any mood to speak so Harry was just telling me about his day instead. And of course, he'd used the pet name to get my attention, trying to get me to stop moping around. 

Did it work? Momentarily, yeah, it made me laugh ever so slightly. 

"What, what's the issue?" Harry chuckled, smiling once he saw the smile on my own face.

"I love you, Harry." I sighed as I played with my pendant that was around my neck, not having much else to do.

"So do I." Harry shrugged his shoulders, his cocky nature in play. But whilst I'd really appreciated him trying to make me laugh but I just wasn't able to laugh around.

Every human has a breaking point. And for me, having some new issue every single day since I'd gotten back was making me exhausted. And around two weeks in, I was fed up. I'd reached my breaking point. It was getting really tiring, just to wake up and wonder what surprise would have been in stock for you that day and whether you were going to be able to deal with it. It also became beyond tiring to either stop a panic attack from coming on or to go through it every evening. I'd begun to feel like I was just trying to survive each day at this point - make sure that I got to the end of the day. And when I reached it, I was already fearful for the next day.

And over time, once you'd felt and you'd felt and you'd felt, you'd start to lose touch with reality. You'd lose all emotions - and the only thing you would feel is an empty numbness - as though, a building could collapse on you and you wouldn't even move.

Harry had realised the shift in my mood very quickly even if reaching this state was quite gradual. But of course, how could he not have? I wasn't in the mood to talk to him - or anyone - lately. I'd retreated to quietness but not on my own will. I was something I couldn't stop.

"Jasmine?" Harry called my name, suddenly bringing me out of the trance I'd fallen in and it caused me to flinch ever so slightly. "Did you hear what I said?"

"Harry, I'm sorry." I frowned, a sigh leaving my lips. "Tell me again, I'll listen."

"No, not before you tell me what you're going to do to come out of this hole, Jasmine. You're falling deeper and deeper and I can see you going to a dark place. At first, I left it, aware that you'd know how to look after yourself and I needn't get involved but Jasmine, I can see that you're clearly not doing well."

There was silence after that. I had no idea what to say because what was I to do to get out of this dark hole I was falling into? I couldn't anything - I was helpless. I mean, I could control my feelings whenever a new parcel turned up at the door or whenever I got the kind of texts that clearly indicated to me I was being followed. But to do so was hard. How could you switch off your emotions but maintain your happiness? That would just be ignorance - as they always say that ignorance is bliss. And whilst I was a huge believer in the phrase, I also knew that ignorance gnawed away at you. You could only ignore something for a while and that would have a different effect on you instead.