Dare Trilogy | Book 3 Editing | ✓

3.26 | Breaking Cycle

Posted: June 20, 2022

| . . . C H A P T E R - 3 . 2 6 - B R E A K I N G - C Y C L E . . . |

It had been a long week, but it was Thursday – so, almost there. I fought my yawn. The creative meeting was making me fall asleep. As rare as it was for me to be sleepy in the middle of things that always excited me, it was understandable. I hadn't been sleeping well this week. I'd tried telling myself that the day in court didn't affect me too much, but I had clearly been in denial so far.

Yesterday, it had finally hit just what toll it was taking on my emotional well-being. The nightmares started all over again. The first night, I tried hiding it from Arnav but the next morning, he knew. And I knew that it wasn't wise turning away from him. Repeating a cycle that we'd both worked hard to break. I didn't want to fall back into it.

The second day, I could barely force myself to eat my meals. But for the sake of people who loved me, I managed. I also saw Sam and it helped. We mostly just talked about work and a little bit of me prying about Lavanya because I was worried about her. He'd said she would be okay, so I believed him. I talked to her later in the evening when we were both under one roof. It helped some.

The third day, I kept myself busy with work – trying not to read the news that was floating around in the papers. Everyone on my team were sensitive enough to not bring it up. They were polite and professional – and I totally got that at times, they just didn't know how to tread, and it wasn't their fault – but the way they were being still bothered me. Tiptoeing around me. As if worrying they'd say the wrong thing and I'd snap. It made me feel like I was fragile, and I didn't like feeling that way again.

Now, after the meeting was dismissed, rather than following them towards our workspace, I excused myself after handing Avani my notepad and asking her if she could keep it on my desk while I went for a restroom break. I had every intention of hiding in there until I no longer had to keep taking deep breaths.

Only, that plan didn't go down too well.

I found myself heading towards the elevator. I knew I was about to take advantage of my friendship, but I pushed the moral boundaries aside as I knocked on Sam's door and peeked my head inside. He was on a call and I quickly indicated he didn't need to rush to end that call as I walked inside closing the door after myself.

I heard the one-sided conversation about the accounts for a project I didn't recognize the name of. Slouching on the couch, I rested my head against the back support and closed my eyes. Focusing on my breathing was all I could do to put the upcoming panic attack at bay. It wouldn't last long, I knew it. I knew I'd been through it before plenty times, and I was always okay. I would be okay again.

I was safe... but I could feel my breathing turn deep and rapid. Trying to fight my body's reactions was making it worse.

Within the next few seconds, Sam ended the call short. Apologizing to the person at the other end as he asked them to email him the balance sheets with heir final analysis. He then walked closer and with my eyes still close, I murmured. "I'm sorry."

"Don't even," he sat next to me.

With one ragged breath, I opened my eyes and blinked a few times to let my vision settle. "Gonna need that day off." I thought I could keep working as usual, get through the day, but clearly I can't go on like this. "I should be asking Neeta, but..."

"Hey," he interrupted the guilt I felt for jumping the hoops, "you are welcome to come straight to me whenever you need."

After I smiled at him in gratitude, allowing me to skip the HR formalities of getting a leave approved well in advance, I asked, "Can you call Arnav? I left my phone in my desk."