𝙼𝚊𝚍𝚕𝚢 | 𝙷𝚢𝚞𝚗𝙻𝚒𝚡𝙸𝚗

54

[Hyunjin]

The mind can be a dreadful thing, especially in the darkest hours of the night. Keeping me awake with thoughts I don't want to think. Images I don't want to see. Giving me fear based off what tricks it can play on me.

It's the worst form of torment. When all I wanna to do is sleep through the anxiety, forget I ever felt it. But my body keeps the feeling there. Keeping rising it back up despite how many times I push it down.

So I just lay here, staring at the ceiling. With thoughts I don't want, feelings I don't want. The image of Jeongin kissing someone else, choosing someone else.

I didn't help that Felix was so quick to dismiss it. Only considering the whole thing a minor inconvenience, only to suggest that we "may need to keep an eye on Kai." I didn't want to be replaced. Not again. Especially not with some suddenly returned ex lover.

I have justified reasons for being upset. Anyone would be justified for being upset about this. It had to have meant something to him. He loved the boy at one point.

I sighed and rolled onto my stomach, hugging one of my pillows tightly. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that if I tried hard enough to pretend I was asleep then eventually I would be.

But no matter how much I relaxed my body, I couldn't relax my mind. So I forced my feet to hit the ground and I walked towards my bedroom door. I debated leaving for a minute.

But I did. I tip-toed across the hall and slowly pushed open Jeongin's bedroom door. The sight of seeing him curled up in Felix's arms was enough to make the anxiety lift away a little. I had tried to gain enough courage to join them in the bed. But I ultimately defeated myself and fled back into my room.

My head rotated backwards, hitting the closed door. I fought every urge in my body to sink down to the floor. My mind and heart were tearing me in half. Between anger and forgiveness.

It was only a kiss, Hyunjin. He didn't sleep with him. And he hasn't lost the spark in his eye when he looks at you.

He shouldn't have kissed him in the first place. He's going to replace you, eventually. Open your eyes.

I shook my head and pushed all thoughts away. I turned on my bedroom light and set up a canvas on my desk. Letting my one passion be a distraction. I selected paint colors and brushes. I grabbed the cup from the bucket and filled it in the bathroom.

When it comes to art, I find myself falling into a trance. Almost as if the brush is using me, not the other way around. It does the work and I'm just a helper, a brace. I get lost in it.

Sometimes so deeply lost and entranced that time no longer exists around me. That the world fades away and it's like I'm floating around in frozen space. Like I've become a mere apparition of a human being.