Alone With Ross

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To love, and to be loved back... -Alone With Ross
__________
May 26th, 2012

A feeling so pure, and yet so tainted.

After I said it, its like everything went into hyperdrive and now everything I do, I have this feeling that I'm going to screw it all up.

Now that those words are out there, I feel like I have to act different. Like I have to own up to it.

I do love him.

More than life itself.

But how can I possibly show him that, when I'm absolutely terrified at the thought of getting even closer than we are now?
***
"She used to sing Elvis songs with her father all the time. A real rock n' roller." My mother exclaimed making Ross laugh as I grimaced.

"I think that's enough story telling." I patted my moms hand and she shook her head.

"I missed out on years of embarrassing you, I'm making up for it now." She said firmly before grinning at me. "Want to hear the story behind your name?"

I frowned for bit before sighing and nodding my head. "Might as well."

"Well, as a child I was always into fables, and make belief and magic, so I was really into The Chronicles of Narnia." My mother sighed and shook her head, chuckling a bit. "I didn't know your father also had an interest in the series as well, but before you were born I offered the name, Caspian. For both genders because Caspian was a prince in the book." My mother looked towards me lovingly and I looked away, feeling overwhelmed.

"Princess Caspian?" Ross questioned beside me.

"Yeah, we always called her that." She mused.

"What made you stop?" I muttered, and Ross elbowed me in the side and I rolled my eyes. "Excuse me." I said before getting up out of my seat and quickly stepping out into the hallway, creating the familiar feeling of space between me and my mother.

I don't mean to be angry with her.

But after the feeling of bafflement passed, I was reminded of my resent towards her in the first place.

***
(A glimpse from Ross journal)

I need to start remembering to date these entries, well, it's too late now.

I guess to sum up this week, I would use the word unexpected.

Because Caspian.

Named after a prince. Like the sea. And the tiger.

She has came crashing down on my world like leafs in Autumn. And she changes colors too.

From a vibrant mellow yellow, to a brittle almost dead red.

She changes like the seasons, and I. A lost on looker have no choice but to draw blanks as I watch her try and keep herself together.

I mean, I want to help, oh god how I want to take away her worries. But how can a manage to control her, when I'm the one causing her the most turmoil.

She's here for her mother, and I feel like I pressured her to say that she loves me.

She said she loves me.

Me.

Out of seven billion people on this planet. The chances of a girl like her, falling for a guy like me, we quite literally one in a billion.

To love, and to be loved back. I hold no other honor.
***
(Back to Caspian's journal)

I sighed for the third time already and turned my head to the left as I saw Ross coming out of my mothers room.

"She wants to talk with you." He said quietly as he approached me.

"I figured." I shook my head and rubbed at my eyes a bit.

"You want to hear a story real quick?" He asked, sliding down the wall, and I followed, resting my head in his shoulder as I closed my eyes.

"Yes please." I sighed.

"When I was seven, my dad once locked me in a room for Thanks Giving break because I behaved badly in school." I heard his voice tremble a bit and I reached out and grabbed his hand tightly, giving him a squeeze, and he returned the gesture. "He had the maid tend to me when I needed it of course, but still it hurt. My dad has always been an uptight hard ass, and I've never felt like he's truly loved me. My mother of course did show a lot of affection for me growing up, but she gets so blinded by my father that she forgets to stand up for people... even herself." He trailed off before patting my leg. "You have an amazing mother. And I don't mean to put a damper on your mood- you know what, never mind, you're mood is already dampened." He laughed casing me to elbow him.

"Get on with it." I urged and he nodded before biting his lip.

"Y-you don't have enough time to spend being mad at her. Please don't get upset with her, I don't want you to regret it later." He whispered.

"I won't... after I set something's straight."

"Caspian." He said exasperated.

"I need closure Ross. I need to know what the fuck was going through their heads when they decided to go and frolic in the damn Forrest's in Jamaica. I need to know what was so important over there that they chose over me!" I crossed my arms, not wanting to budge on the subject. "You didn't know what it felt like, to wonder if your parents jumped of the face of the earth. I want finality. I want to stop worrying about one less thing." I said lastly but I sighed and leaned my head on his shoulder again. "I have to do this Ross."

"Okay." He nodded his head looking at his hands and I grabbed one of them.

"Are you mad at me now?" I asked curiously.

He shook his head and leaned back to look at me. "I can't make you listen to me sometimes. You're stubborn as hell. But you not budging about this actually makes me really proud. I love you."

I smiled and gave him a quick kiss before standing to my feet. "I guess, I'll see you when I see you." I shrugged before heading back into my mothers room for some heavy conversation.

•••••••
You guys are beyond amazing.

OH LAST NIGHT I WENT TO A FOOTBALL GAME AND MY CRUSH STOOD BEHIND ME FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR AND I GOT A PICTURE WITH HIM.