Alone With Ross

54

Days, day's of being apart from Ross turned into weeks, and those weeks turned into two months.

Two months of being alone and without Ross, is two months of me regretting my decisions, of me being absolutely outraged towards myself, of me missing being alone with Ross.

Two months of that oh so dark depression I thought I had kissed goodbye as soon as the words "I love you." had left my mouth.

He seems so incredibly happy without me, and it sucks because I can be happy too, but I'm still confused. Caught between a rock and a hard place, and a lot of people would think that the obvious answer would just be running back to Ross and falling head over heels in love, but I can't because I have a strong feeling that that's not the right thing to be doing here.

I still have to work on myself, I mean, I thought that I could work on myself with Ross, but it was as if I was balancing a stack of books on top of my head. I mean, just last week I discovered that I'm pretty good at braiding hair.

I want to discover new things about myself, and yet, at the same time I just wanted to cave in and go back to Ross.

***

"Can you help me with this paper?" Ross sat at the end of my bed with a borrowed laptop from the school.

"Sure, what's it for?"

This is how it's been for us for the past month now after we had some sort of a falling out.

"I miss the friendship part of our relationship."

That was all that needed to be said, it was like a switch or something that got rid of all the angry tension.

"Just a paper for Science about carbon waste." He said quietly and I nodded my head.

We're we angry at each other anymore?

No.

Were we awkward.

Hell fucking yes.

"Let me see your notes." I asked and Ross got up and got his notes from his bag and handed me the papers, but they slid out of my hands causing them to float down to the floor in impossible long distances.

"Shit." I hissed trying to reach one of them from under the bed. It was all the way back by the wall, and sadly my butt was too big to fit under the frame. I kept on trying though, well that is until I felt something touch the back of my knee causing me to jolt and bang the back of my head on the frame.

It only took my a second to understand what was going on as he touched the back of my knee again.

"Ross you little shit, I swear on Mama Vi's life-"

He did it again causing me to squirm, and pretty soon the room was filled with me screaming/laughing and flailing under the bed and Ross laughing hysterically.

I finally got myself out from under the bed and got his sides, that I learned a long time ago were ticklish. He scooted away from me but I grabbed his ankle an yanked him towards me so I can continue tickling him.

"A-alright! I give, I give!" He heaved out and I took my hands away from him.

We sat across from each other with heavy breathing, but as soon as we made eye contact we were laughing.

"What are we doing?" I said in between my laughter.

Ross stopped laughing and just smiled at me, and it made my heart clench. "We're having fun."

I frowned before picking myself off the floor and sitting on my bed. "Um, so we were talking about carbon waste?"

"No, you can't do that." Ross put his hand on my shoulder making my skin heat up. "please don't do this."

I grabbed his hand from my shoulder and just held t because that was better then it resting anywhere else on my body. "do what? Your homework? You asked for help."

Ross rolled his eyes. "You and I both know that's not what I'm talking about." He shook his head. "Just don't revert things back to the awkward tension, I can't stand it."

"But you said you wanted a friendship." I said lowly.

"Yeah, friends laugh and joke around all the time. I miss having fun with you." He said quietly.

I looked away from him and just got the laptop again and he sighed giving up on the subject. And I sat there silently wanting to kick myself in the head.

Why do I make everything so hard for myself?
This is what I wanted, I wanted happiness with Ross without exactly bearing myself to him that much, and he offered it on a fucking silver platter.

Friends who joke around.

We went from two idiot teenagers who claimed they were in love, to friends who joke around.

How utterly disappointing.

I clenched my fists on top of the keyboard and I just spoke the first thing that came to mind, the only thing I wanted to say.

"Are we ever going to be okay?"

It almost came out as a sob, surprising us both, I put my hands over my face and wiped them down in a stressed manner. "Because, I mean, I'm trying. I really am Ross. I-I like you and how you made me feel, but it's just, I keep wracking my brain for answers, and you don't know how bad I just want to crawl back into your arms, but my brain and almost every other part of me is telling me not to." I sniffled and looked over at him. "Are we going to be okay?" I repeated again.

Ross put his arm around me and brought me in for a hug and I hugged him tightly. He rubbed my back noiselessly and just seemed to ramble for an answer. "Out of all the places you could've gone, out of all the foster homes, in all the states, in all the cities, out of all the other guy's and girl's rooms you ended up right here. In Bloomington Indiana, out in the country, at Bumpy Roads foster home with me." Ross shrugged. "We have to have been fated to be together. Maybe not forever." He chuckled.

"But I have a feeling we're going to have a big impact on each other."

I hugged him tighter to me. "You've already made an impact on me." I whispered. "You've changed me and helped me and damned me all at once." I laughed. "you've loved me when I couldn't love myself."

Ross hugged me tighter this time, and my heart was literally aching. I've never felt a pain like this before, it was both scary and fascinating.

I was about to pull away so I could break this heart wrenching contact but he held me closer making me pause.

"Just for tonight. Please." I could hear the tears in his voice and it made a lump form in my throat. "I just want to lay with you tonight."

He must've felt the same pain too.

This pain of knowing you'd have to let go even though you don't want to, but it's what's best for you.

"Just tonight." I repeated as I combed through his hair on the back of his head.