Alone With Ross

•14•

October 25th 2011
I watched him feeding her french fries like a fucking lovesick puppy. I just want to shove those fries down Britney's throat.

I kept pushing around my food on my lunch trey and looking up every second just wanting to look back down again.
They look so fake.
And in love...

How said this even happen? He said that he didn't like her personality, so how can you say you love someone who's personality is complete shit?

Britney looks over at me smirking.

I get up and push my trey away roughly.

"I'm going to the bathroom." I tell Piper. Britney seems to tell Ross the same thing and gets up to follow me.

I checked under the stalls to see if anyone was here. There wasn't.

Then I look back up to see Britney leaning against the bathroom counter picking at her finger nails.

"Alright, what the hell do you want?" She smiles sweetly, but her tone doesn't match.

"Leave me and Ross alone. Or else." I laughed at her and rolled my eyes.

"Or else what? I was in title three boxing, I can kick your ass little girl." I stand up taller to prove my point.

"I know what happened to you Caspian, I know you got raped, but the school doesn't know that." Its as if the air got knocked out of my lungs. I looked at Britney horrified.

" Who told you!?" I have the urge to run away and also kick her ass and cry all at the same time.

"I have family in the law, let's just leave it at that." I started shaking my head.

"You- You can't possibly know, it was confidential. " I grasp the root of my hairs.

"Just leave me and Ross alone then no one will know." She touched my shoulders.

"Don't touch me, just get out before I fucking kill you." She smiled and left.

I was huffing and basically pulling out my hair. I kicked at one of the stall doors trying to reduce my anger. But it didn't help so I knocked off the paper towel dispenser, kicked the trash can over and knocked the metal shelf down.

"What's going on in there!" I hear a teacher outside. The door bursts open with the principal and a couple of nosy students.

"What did you do?" He looks at the mess horrified. He reaches forward and tries grabbing my wrist. But that triggered something in me. I backed away towards the corner.

"Stay away! Don't touch me Rider!" I no longer saw the principal coming towards me, I saw Rider.
"What's wrong with her?"
"She's such a freak."
"She must be on drugs."

"Stay away from me please." I whimpered. I looked towards the door to see Ross looking at me worriedly, but Britney tries dragging him out.

"I hate you! I wish I never came here!" I yelled towards him.

"Cass? Everyone get out!" Piper shoved everyone out of her way and started to shut the door on all of them.

"He loves her! Why? What's wrong with me?" I'm not even making sense to myself.

"Cass, Cass, look at me. What happened?" I look into her eyes and just break.

"I wish I could tell you. But I can't."

•••
I can't believe I got suspended for a whole week. And they also recommended that I see a fucking therapist.

I've been home for about two hours now. I have just been laying down trying to figure out what the hell just happened. I've never been triggered like that before, I never replaced people with more terrifying people.

And I actually spoke aloud my mind towards Ross, no filter at all, I just said what ever came to mind as soon as I saw him.

"Cass?" A knock on the door brings me out of my thoughts.

"Come in." Mama Vi opens the door and comes in to sit on the end of my bed.

"So, I had to make some calls." I waited for her to continue.

" And, I've gotten you an appointment to see a therapist." I put my head in my pillow. She patted my leg trying to soothe me.

" That's not all. I got a call from Jamaica, they asked for you?" I sat up in bed quickly and grabbed her arm.

"What did they say?!" She ripped my hand off of her and lightly set it down.

"They said Fawn needed to speak with you." My hands went to the top of my head and I dragged them down my face. And squealed in excitement. Mama Vi chuckled and got up off my bed.

"They said they'd try again tomorrow." I laid back down smiling and hugging my pillow as she left the room. But then a thought crossed my mind.

What if she's not okay?

I started to panic.
You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you.

No, no, no, this can't be happening. The door opens to show a startled Ross. I back up in my bed towards the head board and cover my ears.

"Stop, please stop mom." I closed my eyes then tightly as I heard more singing. "No, you can't die, I need you!"

"Cass! Look at me, focus on my voice." I snapped my eyes open to see Ross but I closed them tightly again.

" Stay away please." I said quietly. I need to stop this myself, because he's not always going to be there to stop my panic attacks.

"Cass please, just let me help you, I hate seeing you this way." He pleaded.

"Don't- Don't say that, you don't care, a-and I-I don't care if you care or not." I breathe out.

Ross tugged on my arm trying to bring me in for a hug but I got that same feeling as I did with the principal, and Rider.

"No! D-Don't hurt me please." I looked, I mean I finally looked and saw Ross. And I just lost it. I sobbed into my hands and finally let Ross pull me in. I wailed loudly into his chest and held onto him for dear life.

•••
We were laying down both wide awake. I was tracing patterns on his zentangle shirt as he played with my hair amiably.

"I'm sorry. " I whispered.
"I'm sorry too." He whispered back as he pulled me in closer. I snuggled into him shamelessly.
"What are we doing?" I sighed.
"We're mending tattered hearts by cuddling." He laughed making the bed shake. I slapped his chest lightly. But then the mood got serious.
" I'm going absolutely crazy, you know that right?" I poked him in the belly button.
"Are you okay?" He whispered back.
" No." I said simply. "I'm most certainly not 'okay'. I'm fucking miserable. I've been so depressed that it had affected my sleep giving me insomniac nights. All foods taste like complete shit so that's why I can't eat or I'll just throw it all up. We haven't been on the best terms. Rider has affected my mental state. I've been suspended, raped and freaking haunted by a form of my mom, and my mother called today and I wasn't here to answer." I start to cry. "I thought that I'd be feeling excruciating pain by now, but I feel nothing... and I'm terrified."
"I'm sorry." He hugged me tightly.
"Me too."
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[An]
I'm not okay.