Alone With Ross

•12•

October 9th, 2011 same day, nighttime.

He showed people. He betrayed me. He took my journal without me knowing. What if he read other pages?

"Psst. Cass?." Ross tries calling me again. I shrink into my blankets clutching my journal to my chest.

"Look, you have every right to be angry with me, just don't be quiet, yell at me, hit me, just do something." I turn to face him. He was already sitting up.

"did you read anything?" Ross dropped his head in his hands and nodded. "What did you read?" My heart was beating a mile a minute. There's just so much in my journal he could've read.

"I-I read about the first time Reed raped you." He spoke so quietly, but his words were like to sound of a tornado in Kansas. I can feel my tears building up, I didn't want to cry in front of Ross, but that seems to be all I do now in front of him.

I plop back onto my bed and grab the blankets to cover my face. I let out few sobs over the fact that I have now been violated in more than one way. I felt so stupid for letting him in. Letting him see that one side of me that hasn't been contaminated.

Underneath the blankets I went to that last page of my journal again and wrote beneath my promise of always caring for Ross:

Promises were made to be broken

-Aunt Karmen

October 11th 2011

"So can someone read the next paragraph? Caspian?" All heads snapped towards me, including Ross who moved to the desk closer to the door instead of on my left side.

"Uh, I don't know where we're at." I sit up in my seat with my head down.

"Well next time you should be paying attention instead of going off into your own world, now, Brooklyn read the next paragraph." I put my head down in my arms, completely ignoring the teacher.

I can tell Ross is staring at me right now, I can feel his eyes boring into my brain trying to communicate.

The past two days I haven't said anything. He has given up trying to reason with me, he now sees that it's pointless, he betrayed me, he deserves the silence.

•••

I finished my math homework and put it back in my bag, not even caring weather or not if I got them right. I was going to bring out my history textbook to reread the chapter I missed, but I'm far too tired. Being mute feels odd. I was taught to speak my mind and not to give a fuck about what others thought of me. But my shitty attitudes and my sassy way of doing thing made me see who I truly was.

I must be a really annoying bitch. No wonder you got raped, twice.

Cringing at my own thoughts I lay back on my tiny bed trying to feel sorry for myself, trying to hold onto my anger for Ross, but what made that anger vanish was when Ross rushed into our room with tear stained cheeks.

I sat up slowly as he laid down in his bed and covered himself with a blanket.

"Ross, what happened? What's wrong?" He removed the blanket off his face making me see how crushed he is.

"You're talking to me?" He completely ignores my question with a snappy remark. I shrug my shoulders and look at the wood floor.

"Yeah, I guess I am." I spoke quietly. Ross sighed loudly and put the blanket back over his puffy face.

"Well I don't want to talk to you." His words stung me. The only way I thought I can soothe the burn was to hurt him back.

"Its not like I care anyways." I nonchalantly laid back down in my bed with my hands behind my head and my ankles crossed.

You could say it was some what a picture of ease, but I was silently kicking myself in the face for being rude.

He betrayed you. I reminded myself again.

Holding onto anger, or keeping a grudge isn't my niche.

Sighing I sit back up and pull the blanket off Ross' face.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." Ross' eyes watered up making him cover his face with his arm. His breathing was heavy.

"Why did you say it then?" He removed his arm to show his strained eyes.

"I wanted to hurt you, like- like you did to me." I hugged a pillow to my chest looking away from Ross' hurt stare.

"I still care about you Cass, I knew that the journal would help more." I shook my head.

"How about we talk about you for now, what happened.?" I avoided any touchy conversation because it does feel nice speaking with him.

"My parents called, and uh, they're coming to visit." He seems much more calm now.

"And that made you upset?" Ross nodded and sighed.

"They're not the best people, they take their wealth for granted and they're just so prude. Another reason why I think I came here was because they didn't want their image tainted by a fuck up like me." Tears were starting to well up again in his eyes.

"Do you have any siblings?" His body still at the mention of siblings.

"I-I have three brothers a-and a sister." My eyes widened.

"Wait, so out of five kids you're the only one that was sent here?" He nodded somberly.

" My oldest brother Riker goes to Harvard, My sister Rydel s-she went to Paris with her boyfriend to become a fashion designer, R-Rocky and Ryland still live at home with my parents." All this new information is making my mind spin. He has three brothers and one sister.

"I-I don't understand, you were the only one sent here?" Ross nodded his head for what seems like the millionth time.

"I was the only one not okay with keeping up a stupid disguise hiding that we were just as screwed up as other families." Ross wiped his face harshly. " I'm sorry my emotions broke your silent treatment." He stood from the bed and stormed out slamming the door. I sat there for a second like an idiot expecting him to come back and apologize, but that door stayed shut. I flopped face down into my pillow and let out a muffled scream.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just apologize? I just want to speak with him. Or hug him, or kiss him, feelings are stupid and I'm stupid, and he's stupid for looking like a fucking model all the time.

"Why him?!" I asked my brain in my heart. "It could've been anyone else in this goddamned town! Why did it have to him, the one I told secrets to, the one I share a fucking room with the one- the one that had truly seen the real me." I finish off quietly. I began to sob in my hands because I have had enough of falling for guys who will potentially break my heart.

He won't though... Right?

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Srry for late update school is hard D: its barely started and I'm already behind because I have "behavior issues"