Alone With Ross

66

I was completely and utterly at peace. And I was also wide awake due to the fact that I was so incredibly happy. I faced away from Ross as his arm hung heavy on my waist and he was breathing in my ear, in a deep slumber.

Every touch and kiss and sound was being played on repeat in my head. I remember how we had fumbled with each other's clothing, awkwardly laughing when we couldn't get the hang of it and quietly asking the other for help. I remember how he had kept taking pauses just to look at me and when I'd attempt to cover myself up he'd kiss me again.

I remembered at one point I was a bit scared as I handed him the tiny foil packet, so we just went back to kissing for a bit, then went back to the matter, and I was just fine.

I remembered how we had both reacted when we had first made a connection. My face was contorted from being uncomfortable and so was his but when we both got a glance at each other we were back to awkwardly laughing.

It was messy, it was uncomfortable, awkward, but it wasn't scary. I was only scared for that one second, but the rest of time I kept focusing on how Ross would ask me if I was okay every once in a while, or the way he had looked at me as if I was what he was waiting for his entire life, when in reality, I've been searching for him.

Everything in my life that has happened lead me to this very moment. It lead me to a warm and cozy bed with a boy who treats me like I've been treating everyone else my whole life.

I felt my eyes water, and I grabbed Ross' arm and pulled it towards my face, kissing the palm of his hand then cuddling up against him.

When I would read stories about people's first times, I would get jealous. But having sex with someone who you completely trust and love beats any first time. Rider may have stolen my virginity, but Ross stole my heart and Rider could never ruin this for me. He can never come into my life and fuck everything up ever again, because I have shut the door on everything that had wronged me in my past.

I'm done with going to war, I'm done with having to fight to be myself and be happy. I deserve this.

••••

"Caspian, my arm, it's numb." Ross groaned, waking me up and I rolled over so he could get his arm out from under me and get his blood circulating again. He looked over at me smiling, making me hide my face in a pillow as he chuckled. He trailed his fingers along my side making me squirm. "Last night doesn't feel real." He said so quiet, that he must've said it to himself. I brought my face back out to see him already looking at me, he brought his hand up to cup my cheek, bringing me closer so we could rest our foreheads together.

"I love you." I finally spoke making Ross smile as he said it back. The words were a whisper that spread across my face making me lean forward to try and collect them together again, to gather the three syllables up and inhale them into my lungs to have me suffo-

"I have to write." I sprung up, forgetting the fact that my chest was bare but I just threw and arm over my chest as I scrambled for my journal.

Ross groaned. "What could you possibly need to write, right now?" He tried to grab me by my waist to pull me back to him but I twisted out and sat on the other bed, my hand cramping at how fast it was moving.

"Everything. I have to write everything or I'm going to forget a-and I can't- I won't forget this, not a second of it." Ross let me do my thing, swaying his bent leg back and forth as the blanket just covered his groin and nothing else I put myself to work in writing how perfect he had looked in this moment. How perfect he had looked every moment, before, during, after.

"You know what?" He said quietly, trying to respect my need to get my words out, I simply hummed in response as he kept looking at me. "I'm really proud of you."

My hand faltered on the page, the two second of me leaving the balled point in one spot left a small black blotch as I looked up at him curiously. "Go on." I pressed making him laugh, he threw an arm over his eyes before looking at me again.

"You've become this amazing person all on your own, you've been through hell, but now you're here, naked I might add, smiling and blushing, and living." He shook his head in disbelief. "If it had been anyone else in your shoes, I don't think they would hold their head as high as you do, they wouldn't be able to take in everything bad that has happened and just turned your back on it and started fresh." He spoke with emotion behind his voice, meaning he's been thinking about this a lot. "You walked through that front door as a girl who had been betrayed by everyone she had ever loved, but who I see now, is the most amazing person I have ever met in my life."

Of course I cried, there was nothing I could do but cry, because for years I have never thought very highly of myself, but here Ross was, telling me everything I've been needing to hear. I went through a shit storm of drama and hard ache, and I was still able to sit across from Ross and say that I love him.

"It wasn't just me." I croaked out. Crawling into bed with him. "Mama Vi helped, Piper, Danny, and especially you." He wrapped his arms around me pulling me close and I closed my eyes immediately, losing myself in his kisses.

This part is surrender.

••••••••

I tried to write smut but it wasn't very good, so here's some sappy goo.

I dedicate this to Gesaka, I don't know if you're reading this right now, but I know you're going through a lot, and I hope everything works out for you.

-Aliah