Alone With Ross

68

"I'm sorry but that's not possible for the time being. We are at full capacity for girls downstairs, and I highly doubt you'd feel comfortable with rooming with any of the other guys."

I hugged myself tightly. Remembering my conversation with Mama Vi.

"And I also doubt you'd want to get sent off to a group home, or a foster home, especially with how well your school year has been going."

"I hate this." I grumbled.

"Hates a strong word, but darling, love is stronger." She sighed leaning back in her office chair before pausing. "Nothing worse than a broken heart." She said quietly.

I nodded my head slightly before the tears started to spill again. I wiped at my eyes pathetically shaking my head. "There is something worse than a broken heart." I sniffled. "It's falling in love."

"Now,now, you can't let one boy turn you upside down about love."

"But that's the thing, Vi. It wasn't just one guy." I responded quietly.

She looked at me for a long second before sighing. "Look, Caspian. You've got your whole life ahead of you. And life is just filled with periods and phases and fragments, but none of them last unless if you will it too." She poked a finger at me. "So if you will yourself to be sad, it will last, then nothing good could come your way because you're too busy being sad. You hear me?" She asked sternly making me nod. "It's not the end of the world." She finally pulled me into her arms and I exhaled in relief. "If anything it's the beginning of a new one."

But I didn't want to think of a world where I exist without Ross.

"Tell you what," she chuckled. "If you can organize those papers on couch you can stay in my office for a bit."

And I had finished fairly early with the task, being thankful for the distraction. Ross has been gone all day at a pep rally, leaving me to freely gather the rest of my things from the room, that is until I was gathering the last of my books and he had walked in, freezing in the door his eyes roaming around the room and he looked towards me, almost dazed.

"Y-you're leaving?" He uttered out.

It actually pained me to see him upset about me leaving. So I rushed to reassure him, because despite how much he's hurting me, I don't have it in my heart to do the same to him. That's why I'm having such a hard time not putting these books back calming that I was just moving my stuff back in, I mean, we're done... Right?

"Uh, no. I'm staying in Vi's office for a bit until-" I broke off looking away from him.

Until I decide to come crawling back to you.

"You shouldn't have to, I can move in with one of the other-"

"This has been your room since you've moved into this house." I interrupted. "Besides I already spent hours cleaning down there, I'm not going to let it go to waste." I shrugged and he nodded his head, still in the doorway. There was about two beats of awkward silence until we both spoke at the same time.

"So what-"

"Are we-"

I breathed evenly trying to calm myself as he told me to speak first. "Where do I stand?" I asked quietly and he gave me a confused look. "You love me, and yet, you love April." I crossed my arms, holding myself from falling apart. "Where do I stand."

"I never said I loved her." He didn't look at me as he spoke making anger flare up in me.

"You never said you didn't." I retorted. "Just- Just say the truth, so I can figure things out."

He nodded his head again taking a step into the room and shutting the door behind him. "Uh, alright, I do still have feelings for her."

"And just what do you want to happen when you find her." I stepped back from him keeping this ten feet of space between us, for both of our safety.

"I just- it's personal, okay?" He plumped down on his bed and finally I had let my eyes close to catch a breather.

It's personal. "You want to know what's personal? Your boyfriend saying he still has feelings for another girl, days after you've had sex with him for the first time, that, that's personal."

"I said I was sorry." He said, sounding exasperated, as if he had a reason to.

"And I said I wanted the truth." I spat. "So you're going to go where ever she's at you're going to find her, then what? Bend down on one knee? Smack her silly?"

Sleep with her? My Conscience had said making my nose wrinkle.

"I'm going to talk to her."

"About?" I pressed.

"Look you're not the only one that doesn't feel significant all the time." He snapped making me blink in surprise. "You're not the only one who feels like they're a lesser human being. I mean, I feel incredibly ordinary compared to you." He shook his head. "That's not what I'm talking about." Sighing he continued on. "With her I had always questioned why she had wanted me, but when she left without as much as a goodbye, I just accepted the fact that she had grew bored. But now, because of h-how important you've made me feel these past couple months, I at least owe it to myself to figure out what had happened between me and her."

I couldn't be mad after that. Actually that's a lie, I was still pissed, leading me to give him a ultimatum. "Well, if you see her, then I'm done." I said simply and Ross looked confused for a second before he paused in realization. "I have spent my whole life building myself up, and I'm not going to break down over this, I want to be with you, but if I'm giving 100% and you're only giving 90%, then what's the point?"

"I'm giving 100%" He pleaded, tugging at my heart.

"You're going over your options, and I'm going over mine." I said quietly. "If you go, we're done, and I'm going to Columbia, to get a head start on my future."

"All the way to New York? Don't be ridiculous." Ross grabbed at my hand and I allowed it, I felt like I was about to pass out from keeping it together. The words were just coming out without as much as a second thought. I sounded cold.

I don't want to be this way but after crying, and yelling and fighting to keep people in my life I realize there's not really anything I could possibly do to hold a person hostage just for the sake of my sanity.

Am I being mean? A little.

Do I feel bad about it? A little.

Am I going to regret this? Probably.

"I'm going to go see her."

This part is combustion.

••••••••••

Aye my beautiful readers.

School is okay, I'm getting by alright.

Life is hectic, but this is, and always will be my escape.

I hope y'all had a good weekend ily

-Aliah