The Married Man | joshler

[forty nine]

the sunlight peeking through the small window shines on my face causing my vision to go blurry and burn as the sun directly hits my eyes. jordan is sitting there right in front of me sleeping the same way as i was before; head back, arms crossed, mouth slightly parted. then again, we haven't really rested well in what seems like forever.

i stand up and instantly stretch and i hear the cracking of my bones sending shivers down my spine. jordan moves slightly and opens his eyes as the sunlight travels to his part of the room. "thought you'd be tired of watching over me?" he speaks through his dry raspy throat. i turn around and face him, "it's not everyday that you have to make sure you're brother doesn't accidentally kill himself because he's doing drugs."

"i'm not a fucking baby, i can watch and take care of myself." he jumps right in front of me. "oh really? because i remember two weeks ago when you called me in the middle of the night terrified and crying that you were scared for yourself. you were scared you'd overdose, that you couldn't control it. so i dropped everything to make sure you're alright."

"you don't have to treat me like a baby."

"jordan, we've always been there for each other since day one. do you know how i felt when i found out that you had a drug addiction that i never knew about? i was fucking terrified knowing that i could possibly lose you to drugs. i can't lose my baby brother, i'd be lost without you." he sat on the floor and ran his hands through his hair.

"i just, i didn't mean for this to happen. i thought i could control it all, but next thing i knew was that i was doing it constantly, nothing could stop me. the only thing that could was when i finished, the withdrawal, oh god it was so horrible. that was when i first called you; i was afraid to call anyone else. that's my problem, i'm afraid. i've always been, and i always will be afraid."

i sat down next and leaned against the wall. "everyone's afraid of something, so what are you so afraid of?"

"i'm afraid of losing everyone and everything i love. when we left the country, i only went with you because i was scared of losing you. the entire time i've been afraid of losing you; even when we came back, i was still petrified. mom, dad, abigail, ashley, and you, you're all the ones that i'm afraid of losing. the drugs, they made me forget about everything, i wasn't afraid while it was in my system. i guess that's why i couldn't stop, i wanted, no needed not to be full of fear. but now i've almost lost myself."

i pull him into my embrace and rub circles into his back. "god i'm so stupid." he spoke through his tears. "you're not stupid. you just tried to make it seems as if your fears didn't exist, you were trying overcome them in a way that didn't work. but now you know how, you know that way doesn't work, so how about we try another."

"what do you mean?" i pull away from the hug and look at him. "i mean, we're going to get you better, we're going to spend more time together. and sooner or later this fear won't get the best of you. it'll still be there, but it won't over power you that much anymore okay."

"okay."

***

i shut the door and try to make it up to the room but i accidentally bump into the end table and hear footsteps come towards me. "josh?" i stand there as he pulls me into his arms, but it's soon over when his hand meets my face. "first of all, ow. second of all, i understand you're mad."

"you think."

"but i had something to do." he continues staring at me. "i really wish i could tell you right now, but i'm really tired and i just want to relax and sleep in the bed with you tonight.

"fine, but you're telling me thing in the morning."