I Needed to, I Had to

Back At The Office

"You and this baby are worthless. I should just end your lives." His hand tightened around my neck. His eyes shining bright in the dark room, staring at me choking under him.

"Pl...Please..." I tried to plead but I had less and less air in my lungs and my vision was becoming blurry. Then I felt him punching my stomach violently.

            I opened my eyes panicked. I got up and ran to the kitchen. As soon as I reached the sink I throw up. I had nothing in the stomach but still I managed to throw up. My stomach hurt, my head was throbbing, my throat was burning and it just had made my shoulder even more painful. When I had finished to throw up I drank a bit of water to sooth the burn in my throat. I sat on the floor against the fridge with the bottle of water in my hand.

"You and this baby are worthless."

            These words were turning around in my head. I was trying to push them out of it. The room was silent and dark, there was just enough light to distinguish forms. I knew I wasn't going to sleep again. I turned my head toward the stove, 6 am. I got up and decided that I should started cooking breakfast but before I wanted to see how was Jason doing. I went to the room he was probably using and was surprised to see Jason sleeping in his Grandmother's arms. They seemed so peaceful. I wished that I could sleep this peacefully with my son, I wished I could embrace him like that without feeling like being my son was the worst thing that could have happened to him. My nightmares felt so right at this time. I was worthless and I was disgusting myself. If even someone I didn't know thought I was worthless enough to send someone to get ride of me like some kind of trash, what was worth my life? I had nobody but Jason and JongIn back then and they were the only one who would have missed me but they would have lived perfectly fine without me, I had seen it when I was with Kevin. They were having fun without me, eating without me, sleeping without me, JongIn had been a good father for the past month I was absent and felt even more worthless.

"Nobody needs me." I close the door and went back to the kitchen. 

            The brief idea of cooking breakfast left me. I opened the fridge again, thinking that I needed to eat something but the more I was repeating it in my head the less I was hungry. I saw an apple and tried to take a bite but as soon as I swallow it, I felt like choking. I quickly took a sip in the water of bottle I had left on the kitchen table.

            I felt so useless, so worthless, so meaningless. It was killing me from inside, I was choking as if this man had his hands permanently squeezing my throat. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder making me jump. I stepped aside and then back against the wall. I was breathless, the memory of my nightmare was still too fresh too raw in my mind. The room became bright, I was still against the wall trying to get my breath back to a normal State.

"Are you ok?"

              I didn't need to lift my head to recognize YuMi's voice. I took a few deep breath to push back the panic attack I almost just had have. YuMi came to my side and rubbed my back. She took my arm and softly pulled me to be sofa in the living room. She sat me down, my breath was back to normal. I stayed silent staring at the floor, I was waiting for her to question what happened, why I was so scared, even though JongIn might have told her. I was just waiting for her to ask but she stayed silence. This silence, I should have felt comfortable with it but instead it was even more pressuring.