I Needed to, I Had to

Mommy bird

*Tiana's POV*

               The first thing I saw when I woke up after recovering from Three days of eating ice cream and throwing it up after was my baby's angelic face. He had came to sleep with me in the middle of the night and we cuddled to sleep. This picture reminded me of how life was before I met JongIn again, before I met Kevin. I would wake up and get ready to work, smiling at Jason crawling and trying to learn how to walk. It was a routine that I pretty much liked, I didn't miss JongIn that much back then. I was casually spending time with my son but when I met Kevin and accepted him to stay at my house until his problem were settle down, I could see him playing with Jason and I started missing JongIn more and more. It felt like it was wrong to let any man get this close to my son if it wasn't him.

                I slowly stroked his hair, as I could hear his soft snore. Just like his father, when I was brushing his nose he would stop snoring for a while and then start again. It made me laughed but I muted it so I wouldn't wake him up. I was lost in this vision of an angelic child sleeping peacefully when a knock on the door caught my attention. It was loud enough for me to hear it from the mezzanine but still low enough for Jason to still be sound asleep. I carefully but quickly got out of bed, put a long hoody to cover what my very little nightgown was not covering and silently ran downstairs where the knocking were still going on. I went to the door and looked through the peehole. I could see JongIn's impassive figure. He was there, looking anxious and still knocking on the door. For a moment I contemplated faking not being home, or just telling him to leave but at the same time I missed him in the night.

            No matter how angry I was, I couldn't deny I missed his hand gently holding my hair and patting my back as I was throwing up. I also missed the way he would cuddle to me afterward so I would fall asleep peacefully. I thought about opening the door and tell him that we were both stupid and said thing we didn't meant but I meant everything I had said and opening the door right now would not have change anything. I took a few step backward and crouched down, my head on the my knees, contemplating the options again. I felt trapped and his knocking were not stopping.

             Suddenly a really loud one startled me. I got up right away and looked through the peehole but I couldn't see anything. It actually made me anxious. A mad neighbor could have hit him because of the noise he was making, he could have fainted. I couldn't help but imagine crazy bad things. I needed to make sure he was alright, that's why I gave up on one of the options and called him out.

"JongIn?" I mumbled almost inaudible from outside, still looking through the peehole.

              Suddenly the light came back and JongIn's face too. I understood his head was against the peehole and that he had banged it against the door. I could see slightly red print from the impact. He started knocking again, his eyes madly moving around the door as if he could open it if he knock on a specific place.

"Tiana? Is that you? I heard something. Are you inside? Are you alright? Why aren't you answering me! Are you still mad? Please answer me, I'm worried!" He said panicking.

            I didn't want to answer to him. Maybe letting him panic could make him understand how I felt when he would refuse to talk to me or just brush me off because he had work. I stayed there looking at his face through the peehole. He hadn't shaved since I kicked him out, I could tell that much. he was still wearing the same clothes. I couldn't help but wonder why. It's not like he didn't have the money to go and buy whatever he needed. Why did he have to show up this miserable when we both knew he couldn't have been better off. It came to my mind that it could be a way to pull on my string, that I would pity him if he showed up like that, then I wondered if he really was this smart. I was more caught in this debate than in whatever he was saying on the other side of the door.