Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Fliss

As we left the building, Van and the lads all stopping for a smoke, I felt a little of the tension from the studio melt away. Outside it felt like we were just us again, with no spotlight on what us meant and I suppose in many ways that was a good thing.

His words from before still swirled in my head like melted Neapolitan on the pavement in the summer, but somehow when all the microphones and headsets had been removed, it was easier to ignore that he'd said anything at all.

I leant up against the wall beside Van taking in a deep breath as he exhaled, the second hand smoke rather soothing considering the sickness in my stomach. With the help of the joint I'd had on my way to the studios I'd managed to hide just how rough I was feeling but now it was beginning to wear off and I was slowly sinking into the feeble depression once more.

"Would yous like a smoke Fliss?" Smirked Van with the usual teasing smile when he noticed the way I lingered close by taking deep breaths in time with his exhales.

"You're okay," I smiled softly, "cigarettes are always a little bit disappointing," I said quietly, "I always want them to make my head spin and they never do..."

"What like weed you mean?" Teased Benji as I bit my lip and smiled at the ground defeated.

"God look at that guilty smile, you're such a little stoner," laughed Van poking his finger at my dimple forcing a laugh from me as I closed my eyes and shook him off.

"So what about this clean streak then?" asked benji after a little while when we were walking to pick up coffee and tea, something they apparently couldn't live without these days. Neither could I.

"I don't know, me and Saff had a mad one last week and the next morning was just you know hell... and she said it first, so I said I'd join in and then Katie did too..." I shrugged, "who knows how long it will last though... Saff says this sort of stuff all the time and just changes her mind like..." I shrugged my shoulders as if it were nothing big, because it wasn't really. I felt terrible, but I knew that the pain would eventually fade, it was already much easier to cope with than it had been the week before when we'd given up. All things must pass after all.

"And what about you?" Asked Larry with a smirk, as if he already knew what my answer would be.

"Whats that supposed to mean?" I smirked thinking about avoiding his question entirely.

"How long will you last?" He smirked, I bit my lip unable to resist the line he'd walked me into.

"Longer than yous thats for sure," I winked holding back my smile as the rest of the lads started laughing around us. "I'll last as long as I want to Lau," I smiled sweetly pushing my hair out of my face and stopping a moment to look around. I didnt venture into central london very often so I had to keep checking that I still knew where I was.

Van remained quiet for the majority of the walk, lighting up a second cigarette as he walked close beside me. Every now and then I'd catch his eye and he'd divert his to just past my shoulder, as if he thought I wouldn't notice the stiffness in his shoulders and the strange expression that lingered moments before he looked back and flashed me a smile.
I tried not to read into it, tried to ignore the close proximity in which we were walking, but I couldn't shake the thought of our previous engagement.

He'd called me a different league and just left me standing there, unsure what to think. He'd said I was a different league and then carried on as normal laughing with me as I sat in his lap for the duration of the interview.

I hadn't been able to look at him throughout the whole song when we'd performed, for fear that he would catch my eye and think I'd read too much into his statement.

In truth I wasn't sure how to read into his statement at all. Different league, that could mean anything really. I could be a league above or three beneath, it was so ambiguous. However something in his smile had me believing that maybe he had meant for his words to wind me up a little bit more, to make sure he was the only thing on my mind. He didn't need to do that.

"Fliss...." he cut in, stopping my heart from sinking with the weight of it all as once again I allowed myself to become too tangled up in my thoughts to have a clear grip on reality. "Felicity wishes..." he chuckled poking my cheek. "Yous want a brew right?" He offered me a smile and I flashed him a quick one back, watching as he disappeared inside and I waited with Bob outside.

Bob was much quieter than the other lads, I got the impression it was shyness but I couldn't quite be sure. He always seemed so calm, even when he was messing round with Alice and Bondy at our parties he seemed perfectly tranquil. As if he'd reached enlightenment a long time ago. I was sure that wasn't in fact the case but I couldn't help but smile a little amused at the thought of him sitting meditating under a tree or something stupid.

I offered him a smile and he smiled back but neither of us spoke again until the others rejoined us and Van slipped a tea into my hand.
It was only when our fingers brushed that I noticed the tension spark up again. It was as if every time I managed to relax he crossed some invisible line and set me spiraling all over again.

On any other day I'd have probably been a lot more laid back, but it had only been a week and my comedown was dragging itself out far longer than usual. I suppose massive self doubt and crippling depression are the least you deserve for abusing your body with the sort of shit I'd been snorting and bombing for months but I couldn't help but feel hard done by as I walked in his shadow and began to slip and slide futher out of touch. I felt lost among them, like for the first time I didn't really belong beside them. I'd always felt so comfortable with them before but as he caught my eye once more I felt myself lose faith.

"So whatre your plans for the rest of the day?" Asked Bondy trying for conversation, "or are yous feeling too sorry for yourself to make plans?" He teased drawing a small smirk from me.

"Me and Saffy've gotta finish writing some songs, I guess that's all I'm really doing for the foreseeable future... what about yous whats a day in the life of johnny bond got in store for us today?" I smiled, Johnny did well to ease the discomfort. When Van was acting strange and distant bondy was always there to turn my attention on, to make it easier to ignore the set of eyes trained on mine.

"Oh you know, I'm gonna shoot some hoops, contemplate jazz and the true meaning of the peasoupy abyss of time..." he sighed gazing out over my shoulder drawing a slight smirk from me and an eye roll from the rest of the lads.

"Honestly, I reckon hes on more drugs than yous," teased Benji with a quiet smirk watching as his friend readjusted his hat and tried to check his appearance in a near by shop window.