Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Saffron

Alice had left and taken the shine with her. The dressing room had dimmed with her departure and the silence which had followed the slamming of the fire escape door gad been stifling.

I'd stood at the center of the room stunned and still, the only one who hadn't quite worked out what to do.

Larry had followed her out. Jazz had started rolling a joint. Kitty had left, Ben had left, and Bondy, he'd stood slowly, rising from his chair to stand just a little behind me, one hand on my shoulder, waiting for me to lose my balance, but I hadn't.

"Saffy," he said slowly, slurring the syllables together in his usual lethargic tone, "sit down love,"

I didn't sit down. I just stood, watching the space she'd once occupied, wondering whether our little world would ever recover.

"Come on rkid," Jazz jumped up, "lets go outside for a bit..."

Johnny had nodded along, taking out a ciggy and tucking it behind his ear, placing his hand on my shoulder encouraging me to walk with him towards the door she'd not long slammed, hoping that the cold autumn air was going to calm my senses. Slow the panic. Ease the melodrama.

I did my best to think it all through, find a solution, not really listening to anything Jazz and Bondy had to say about the temperature or the light pollution over Portland.

"We'll just find someone to step in Saff, it won't be difficult..."

"It will," I shrugged, "ally made us..."

At that I saw Bondy smirk, choking on his cigarette before chewing his cheek and shrugging me off when I raised my brow.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," he shrugged, "jus sellin yourself short aren't you..."

"You don't think she did?"

"I don't mean it like that I jus mean that between you and Fliss... Kitty n the jazz master you've got it sound like... shes class like but you can afford to lose her..."

"But we don't have Fliss either do we," I bit my lip, I could feel the lump in my throat rising, that warning sign before the waterworks turn on and your washer breaks.

"You will," he shrugged, "she's gettin better, it'll be fine," he offered me a small smile and Jazz offered me the joint.

I did my best to close my eyes, to relax with my inhale leaning back against the scratchy bricks by the fire escape door. And then I managed a small smile, smirking up at Bondy with a low lying sense of awe.

"You're relentlessly laid back aren't you,"

"You're relentlessly not," he chuckled. I cracked a smile, shaking my head, eyes on the ground, grinning despite myself as I exhaled again. Inhaled again.

It had been awhile since I'd felt myself waiting for the relief to wash over me, for the head spin, the cloudiness which came with each exhale but I was now. Waiting.

"Slow down kidda," grinned Benji appearing with Kitty in the doorway, "that smells strong,"

"Yeah well I like my joints just like I like my feelings of despair and anxiety..." I said with a sarcastic smile and another long inhale.

"Alright alright," chuckled Bondy stealing the joint away before I could take another drag.

"We'll sort this out Saff," said Katie but her voice was quiet and it didn't take much to detect the doubt so I forced a smile, let out a long exhale and nodded my head.

"Everythings gonna be sound," I said, "we've gotten through way worse than this before," but later when Van turned up with Fliss all wrapped up in his trackies and his hoodie, I was reminded that this was probably one of the worst periods our little gang had ever been through and it was going to take a little more than a forced smile to convince anyone that we were doing just sound.