Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Fliss

I stood on his front door step tapping my foot, my hands shoved in my jacket pocket as I struggled to swallow down tears and restrain the urge to cry.

I was cold and I couldn't stop sniffing or shivering and Van was still a little way behind, his hands shoved in his pockets too.

I turned over my shoulder to steal a glance at him, to try and work out what was going through his mind, but it was dark, too dark to see his features and too dark to make out any kind of emotion in his grey eyes.

So, I turned back to his front door and tried to focus on breathing in.

"Fliss," his hand on my shoulder made me jump, his skin cold to touch even through the denim of my jacket. When I turned to him I was tired and he was tired too, the bags under his eyes aggravated by the long walk home alone. For a second I stood still, barely able to look at him, self conscious and sorrowful on the top step, with him sullen and struggling for words on the pavement.

"Let me in Van," I finally sighed trying to turn back to the door, but when he stepped up, standing suddenly slightly taller than me, looking down at me with one hand hesitantly cupping my elbow, I felt the ice begin to thaw. "Please?" I asked a little weaker, shaking still, but he shook his head, looking over my head for a moment, eyes full of contemplation as he gazed into the night.

"Fuck sake," he mumbled guiding me in a little closer to his chest, holding me to him with both his arms wrapped around me, his chin tilted with his lips in my hair. "Fliss earlier, when I said I missed you... that wasn't what I meant to say," he started, he sounded exhausted, like he'd been fighting the whole walk home, "I mean, I do but thats not new is it you already know that like, when I said I do, I meant like, I meant the other bit of what I said like..." I frowned into his embrace, biting my tongue because though I wanted to put up a fight there was still a tiny part of me that could feel the affection in his embrace, could hear the way he was stumbling drunk through his words, and desperately wanted to hear him come out the other side. I wanted to hear him say something that would make this right. "I do love you, thats what I meant to say, I, I love you Fliss," he said and I felt a lump in my throat that was difficult to swallow down, because I'd been crying when he'd stopped me on the doorstep, and suddenly I was overwhelmed.

"You..."

"I do," he said this time, a little firmer, a little more self assured, his eyes lit up as mine met his. "I really fuckin love you Fliss..."

For a second I was speechless, sort of stunned because I'd convinced myself over the course of the evening that everything was wrong, and suddenly he was stood there, certain in his heart that they weren't. That actually they were really really right.

"But you were gonna end it Van..." I said slowly, still unable to look him in the eye. Still unable to stop my bottom lip from trembling around my words.

"Says who? Rhys? Who knows me better love, you or Rhys? Me or Rhys? I love you Fliss, I know I do alright... I've been so fucked up about this all week, about that message and not knowing what I said to you, and not knowing why, and not knowing why you hadn't called, thinking like you could take me or leave me, like you weren't arsed if I turned round and said I didn't want owt do with you anymore, but havin you around today like, it still felt right... its like, everything's been wrong between us all day, and we've been avoiding looking at each other, but I still felt it you know, in me heart like, I knew I'd walk home wi yous tonight, and I knew I still wanted to hold you and cuddle yous. I've been fuckin upset about us all week but you're still the most beautiful girl ive ever seen, and im still desperate to kiss you and, and all I really want is for us to be alright again and thats love int it?"

"I um, I don't know Van..." I trailed off not sure what to say to him, because I understood, I did, but I wasn't sure I could say it back, not when I was so scared that come his next pint he'd change his mind again. "And I, I do feel it too, but..."