Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Saffron

I sat on the patio with a joint between my lips, staring at the back gate with the sun in my eyes and a guilty conscious viciously plaiting my heartstrings.
With katie and Fliss either side of me, their fresh faces and spring cleansed eyes brought out the dust in mine, the hollows of my cheeks and the scratch along my jaw.

I could hear Ally in the living room with Rudy and Bob, they were talking about something and I knew it would be me, I strained to listen in but I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to hear.

"Giz a drag," fliss nudged me with a playful smile, "cmon quick before the lads get back," she had her usual cheeky sparkle about her as she soaked up the last of the sun, her freckles like stars in the night sky, only growing more prominent the longer you looked.

"Shouldn't yous both be staying..."

"Fuck that," sighed Katie taking the joint from me without giving me the chance to deny them. She wore a similar smile to fliss as she closed her eyes and inhaled, leaning back against the fence, the orange yellow light of the sun casting warm watery patterns across her cheek.

She looked ethereal. I looked washed out.

When the back gate opened I almost smiled, expecting to see Van or one of the others blocking the sunset. Instead I felt my shoulders deflate and my lungs collapse. My ribcage caving in at the sight of him, stood there, waiting to talk.

Fliss and Katie flinched beside me, neither of them saying a word, too sober to speak up and tell him to leave.

"Saff can we talk," he choked out. His eyes were watering too. He cast a longline shadow in the grass that stretched and touched my tiptoes, "please," he said a moment later when I said nothing.

In my mind I brushed him off and told him no. I shot him a clever, condescending smirk and said something like, depends, doesn't it.

In the moment, with his eyes pooling deep and blue and brimming with woe, I said nothing. Instead I simply pushed myself up slowly, slipping out of Fliss's grip on my hand, her weak attempt to talk sense without saying anything at all.

"Thank you," his voice was scratchy like he'd been smoking 40 a day for years upon bitter years, but I knew that really he'd just spent two hours crying, fist to wall, all blood and anguish and a concoction of dangerous emotions.

I swallowed hard as we disappeared into the alley and began to wander round to the street at the front.

"I'm sorry saff," he said quietly taking my hand in his. His touch hurt a little, made me feel all kinds if anxious and uncomfortable, but I could tell he needed a helping hand and so I let him carry on brushing his thumb across my skin and squeezing. "I went too far again didn't I,"

"You shouldn't have done that to Katies toy," I said my voice dull and drained.

"I thought it was yours but I know I shouldn't have done it at all, I'm sorry,"

"Its not my toy,"

"Well will you tell katie im sorry?" He shrugged his shoulders and I let out a sigh leaning to one side, giving in because it was easier than telling him to apologize himself.

"Yeah,"

"You're still mad at me aren't you?" He asked simpering down at me a little.

"You trashed the place Rhys,"

He watched me carefully, one hand behind his back. For a moment he looked almost vulnerable and I struggled to understand how someone so sweet and sad looking could ever have thrown me up against the wall and scared me as much as he had.