Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Van

She was on my mind throughout the whole performance, every time I fell away from the mic and looked over my shoulder, I never looked at her directly but she was there, always in my peripheral vision, the glitter around her eyes glowing angelic.

I couldn't stop thinking about how easily she'd made that decision, how fucked out of her mind she must have been to say those things so easily, so light hearted as if she wasn't choosing a relationship over a career.

Our label could set her up for life, they could nurture her band into something she wouldnt even have imagined they could become. I could fuck her and hold her hand. I could kiss her, and get drunk with her, watch tv with her and laugh about blue planet... but I couldn't giver her what she really wanted. Maybe she thought I could but I couldn't.

"And I love you, but I need another second to myself!" I sang, voice raw and scratching my throat as I tried not to think about her. If I kept thinking about her id fuck up sooner or later.

But I couldnt ignore her. She'd been glistening beside me with a smile so contagious, she'd laughed the same way she laughed at louis theroux late at night when she couldn't sleep. She hadn't been pretending, thats what I'm trying to say. She hadn't been feigning happiness or faith in me and that was scary. She hadn't been saying simply what she thought was right.

"Bond," I mumbled into the stage mic, "we're getting stoned tonight," I heard him laughing in response and then a quick, 'why aye mate,' which drew a grin on my lips.

I felt settled then, knowing that I had something to look forward to after the gig. That I didnt have to linger in a green room, listening to my managers berate me and Blakes about appropriate relationships.

I suppose I was only lucky that they didn't know about me and Fliss, that no one knew about me and Fliss.
Somehow though that thought wasnt as satisfying as it should have been.

By the time I fled the stage, burying my face in a towel, shaking my sweaty hair in the general direction of my tour manager with a grin, I felt a little less like I was going to snap.

Bondy clapped me on the back and nodded to the back door and when Andy called out to me and Benji I held my hand up as if to say give us 5, and grabbed Ben by the sleeve, dragging him outside too.

I was half expecting Fliss and Saffron to follow us, but it didn't take me long to realise that neither of them had been side stage to begin with.

"You alright lid?" Asked bondy, the cold air catching the beads of sweat on my neck leaving me to shiver.

"Yeah," I sighed, sucking in on the joint when he passed it round. "Roll another though would yous," blakes laughed at that agreeing with me as he shook and dithered beside me.

"Where did yous go before the gig, Andy was looking for yous..." he asked.

"Oh," I breathed out, watching the smoke tumble from my lips.

"I was with Fliss," I said shrugging it off, hoping he'd let it lie.

"Oh aye," winked Bondy nudging me in the ribs forcing me to snigger and roll my eyes.

"Aye," I sighed, "I told her everything..." I swallowed expecting a bollocking I didn't get.

"Good," sighed Ben, "they deserve to know don't they,"

"You haven't told kitty?"

"No," he shook his head, guilty smile staining his otherwise placid expression, "I didn't want to put that kind of pressure on her..."

"What do you think she'd do?" Asked Bondy, we both looked to him, like we were both counting on his response. I felt so out of depth with Fliss, but I couldnt understand what Bondy was looking for in his answer.