Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Alice

Her hotel room was dusky pink, the candyfloss Hollywood american dream and the window was open letting the city filter in through pastel net curtains like the ones in my Nana's kitchen window.

A plastic flower cast a shadow by the dressing table, and the mirror reflected us, our milky skin on skin embrace, legs tangled with the sheets. Camille slept softly, lips slightly parted, her cheat rising and falling beneath my cheek and i mulled her over quietly.

There was something strange about my reflection in the hotel mirror, the glass stretched halfway across the wall, the image in it pristine, watching me just as carefully as i did.
In the mirror my eyes were deep, dark and forlorn, piercing.
I blinked but i couldn't look away.

I needed a cigarette and i needed to leave but something about our reflection held me still, captive because we looked ethereal, heavenly like a renaissance painting hanging in the Lourve, but we weren't.

So i closed my eyes and pushed myself up, slipped from the bed and her emrace with ease, and when i looked back at the picture in the mirror, Camille lay alone and she lay still, the light from the window bathed the contours of her face and the curve of her lip, and she was a painting hanging in the Lourve more beautiful than we'd ever have been together.

I let out a sigh and slipped into my jeans, and pulled my jacket around my body, leaving my T-shirt behind because i always felt the need to leave something.

I knew she'd probably leave it behind too, in the morning or at the end of the week when her and her sister left for another state, but there was something about coming and going and leaving no trace that made me quiver. So i came and i went and i left a trace, and outside i lit my cigarette with her lighter, and when i was done i slipped it into my back pocket, chewing my cheek to remember the way back to the buses.

I walked quickly to escape the cold but i always felt cold at this time of morning leaving someone else asleep in their room. The sun would have been coming up had it been the summer, but instead the roads were still dark and glistening with the sleet which had been falling up until an hour before.

Street lights lit streams of yellow shimmering and shading in the cracks in the tarmac, and the side of the bus was all droplets like dew on grass.

I looked between the two and tried to work out where my friends would be.

I opened the first door quietly, wincing when warm light washed over me.

"Well would you look who found her way back home," chuckled Bondy making me jump, Saff was asleep with her head in his lap, he had his hand holding her shoulder. They looked sweet. "Good night?"

"It was alright," i yawned pouring myself an egg cup shot of vodka with a weak half smile.

"Pour us one an all love," he said gesturing to Saffy weighing him down. "Where did you go anyway? Don't see you around as much anymore do we,"

"I went back to Camille's..." I said leaning against the counter pouring him a shot.

"Oh yeah," he winked with a sly grin, drawing a laugh out of me as i wandered over and sat down opposite him, leaning on the table, closing my eyes. He laughed again, "whats up she tire you out?"

"Somet like that," i smirked licking my lips, he kicked me under the table to pry another laugh from my chest and i buckled letting out a giggle again.

"You coulda stayed all night... We aren't leaving till..."

"Maybe i didn't want to," i shrugged, pulling a face, laughing him off as best i could because the last thing i needed was Johnny Bond routing through a personal life i hadn't even found the words to share with my band mates and best friends.

"You're one of those girls eh," he smirked, a thoughfulness about the way he sipped his shot before necking it back and pouring another, "that why you have her your T-shirt?"

"Maybe, i wanted to leave quickly,"

"Cut an run," he nodded, "she seemed like a nice lass, didn't strike me as the crazy kind,"

"You'd be surprised," i felt guilty lying like that, Camille had been lovely, serene and sweet and she'd known exactly how to handle me, and yet here i was, twisting her out of shape to push the blame from myself. Bondy smirked and shook his head.

"Who are you getting over Ally?" He asked slowly and though i thought about lying, the look in his eyes, glowing under the low yellow lights in the ceiling, told me id struggle to get away with it.

"You'd be surprised," i smirked, all the sorry id been feeling for myself, manifesting in my bitterly self aware line.

"would i?" He said again and this time when i looked back up at him there was a warmth and an honesty that tempted me to settle down and sink a little further into the settee.

i let out a sigh, poured another shot of vodka, and then another, sipping it before knocking it back just as he had done before.

"Fliss actually," i choked out, wincing as the liquid burned the back of my throat leaving my tongue feeling dry and abused.

He placed his egg cup down, poured another shot and nodded slowly.

"Shit," he said softly, the word lingering as he poured me another and we toasted to nothing in particular before knocking them back, shuddering as we swallowed.

"You know i keep meeting people and thinking they'll do, like, oh he's nice, he makes me laugh, he'll be fine... Or you know, she's pretty, she knows how to wind me up, this will do... And then it happened exactly how i want it to, and it still feels shit and hollow and i end up sneaking out their room at stupid o'clock in the morning without even leaving a note, because every time i look in the mirror i see the half hearted reflection," i took a breath, eyes frantically searching the room for something to settle on. "Its always almost right but not quite and it feels awful," i said softly, heart pounding in my chest, i could hear the blood rushing in my ears, and i could hear him sighing from across the table as he looked back at me sadly.

"I'm sorry love," he said, one of those sad little smiles, "loves a losing game right,"

"Its fucked," i smirked sadly, "still you're doing alright aren't you," i nodded to saffron who's hair fell perfectly around her gentle features. Bondy smirked and shook his head.

"No," he chuckled, "no I'm not,"