Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Van

I shoved my hands in my pockets following her up the street, speeding up to catch her before she turned the wrong corner.

"This way darlin," I smirked reaching out to guide her before thinking twice, snatching my arm back and simply nodding towards the chippy.

She offered me a tight smile in return and though I could tell she was cold I didn't know what to do. Usually id have offered her my jacket, wrapped my arms around her and claimed we were sharing body heat, that it was science but today I felt hopeless.

In truth id been lost for words about her all day. I'd been desperately trying to think of what I was going to say to explain myself, to make it up to her.  But how do you explain that, and how do you say sorry for it?
The sinking feeling in my chest as she walked away told me it was going to be trickier than even I had first anticipated.

I'd hurt her, I could see that, but I'd hurt her a lot more than I'd initially thought and now as I tripped up the street behind her I knew I had to get her to turn round just for a moment, let me explain.

"Fliss," I finally managed to speak up, "Fliss cmon love stop for a second,"

"Can we jus go back to yours Van," she groaned, tipping her head back to the sky in frustration, but I wasn't stupid, I knew her well enough to know that she wasn't frustrated she was wounded.

"No," I said plainly, stopping where I stood, forcing her to stop too, to spin on her heel and glare at me from across the street. For a moment there was silence because I'd said no in a panic and now I was a little bit stuck so that the words "I wanna be with you," were all I could manage.

For a second she said nothing, her brows furrowing, I couldn't tell whether she was confused or just pissed off, but the hand which had been on her hip was suddenly in her hair and a small smile playing on her lips made it hard to resist the urge just to kiss her.

"You do?" She asked her voice strange, riddled with a doubt I'd never heard from her before.

"Yeah, of course I do love," I said stepping closer to her, though she remained still, her expression just sort of stuck, as if she were concentrating very hard on something, though I'm not sure what. When I took her hand I felt like I was testing the waters. "I really do Fliss,"

"You haven't even looked at me all night..." she said, her hand cold and tiny in mine. Her eyes glistening with the light from the streetlamp above us.

I let out a sigh, struggling to hold her gaze even then because I knew she was right.

"I'm looking at you now," I said finally and when she looked back at me she was smirking, one of those wry, half hearted smirks and suddenly I was gripped with the fear that she might be about to turn around and walk away again. "Fliss I really mean it okay, I don't care about fuckin anything else right now alright, I just wanna be with you."

"You just... you don't even remember what you said!" Her voice cracked all of a sudden shaking me a little, startling me so that all I could do was stand there and hear her out. "You jus, you said all that shit and none of it made any sense and then, you just, you didn't say anything at all and..."

"I was drunk Fliss I don't even..."

"Exactly Van, you don't even know. All that stuff you said, I remember it word for word cause it really really fuckin hurt... you dont even care enough to remember... thats how little it mattered to you,"

"I was drunk, blackout drunk Fliss!" I dropped her hands in frustrating, running them through my hair as I stepped back and tried to get a grip. Tried to manage my frustration, my despair with her.

"Thats not an excuse, drunk and in love people leave you lettucey voice messages about how much they miss you... they don't start trying to break up with you after a pint!"

Her eyes were glowing now, like light dancing over the waves her tears were trying hard not to be restrained. Her cheeks were taught and flushed and I could see she was trying so hard not to get upset.

But she was, and it was my fault.

"I do," I said, speechless beyond those two words, unable to elaborate because they were the only two words I was certain of in that moment. "I miss you... all the time, whenever you're not around, I want you around all the time, fuckin hell Fliss cmon, please?" I asked, desperate for her to acquiesce, and for a moment, when she sighed and tipped her chin to the sky, I thought she might.

But she didn't.

Instead she stood there silently, just watching the sky, her arms wrapped around her chest as she hugged herself warm, just shivering under the silvery moonlight of a drizzling winter night.

When she looked back at me there was a stray tear stain on her cheeks, the button of her nose pink and frostbitten, and her eyelashes blinking threatened to freeze and snap.

"Can we go home now?" She said, not really asking, leaving me no choice but to give in and hope that somewhere between the sea front and home, she might allow me to slip my fingers between hers and stand beside her once again.