Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Fliss

I didn't sleep when the lads got to the hospital, they wanted me too but I couldn't and I knew I wouldn't be able to no matter how hard I tried.

"I had to get you know..." I tried to tell Van when it was just the two of us sitting with Saffy, waiting for the others to get back from their "cigarette breaks" and the shops where they were buying food. "you know..." i tried to say again hoping he would get the jist but he didn't seem to understand, just waiting there patiently for my confession. Because thats what it felt like. It felt like I was confessing to some sort of crime.
"I was really high when it happened," i finally said, I'd never have felt so guilty for being high before, "and then when it happened Kitty was freaked out and Matty was no use at all and you know... It had to be me that was I dont know,"

"responsible," nodded Van as if he knew the feeling all too well.

"Yeah and I'm not... Thats usually Saff," i said wondering how hard he found that to believe. Still he didn't question it. "And it was so scary and I was so tired and I could feel myself coming down you know..." i started hoping he'd catch on and understand and I wouldn't have to tell him anymore because for once it was embarassing and I felt nervous. As if he hadn't seen me when he'd arrived, glazed and full of static ekectricity, numbed to the world with a runny nose, sniffling into my sleeve. As if I wasn't still sniffling into my sleeve. "So I had to you know, hold back the tide..."

"You mean?" he frowned, "how much have you taken Fliss?" he sighed suddenly understanding, suddenly a little sullen, surprising me with it.

"I don't know," I shrugged, a lot I guess but... "

"Don't take anymore," he said, hugging me into him, his chin in my hair, I could feel his concern radiating from him, "We'll get yous somet eat and i don't know, whats gonna help?" he asked, out of his depth. Sometimes I forgot that I was the girl who'd introduced him to all this. That before me he hadn't thought twice about cokeheads and how to sober them up. He'd never really needed to until he'd met me.

That was it. That was thw guilt and the discomfort. That was where the confessional feeling had come from.

"Am sorry Van," i said softly frowning when he shook his head and spoke just as softly as me.

"Don't worry about it Fliss, not now alright," he said kissing my hair, kissing my forehead. My heart fluttering a little, was it him or the coke or the come down imminent. I couldn't have told you then. "You need to sleep babygirl," he sighed, "you need to sleep," but I couldn't so I didn't and I wouldn't until we got to their hotel after Saffy had been checked out and the sun was beginning to set a little too early in the afternoon for my liking.

I didn't sleep until he picked me up in his hotel room and carried me to the bathroom, another kiss to my forehead as he placed me on the counter beside the sink and stepped foreward, between my legs, held me against his chest.

"Right," he smirked looking down at me with all the tenderness in the world, "I've brought you this far you can manage the rest yourself," he chuckled when I stuck my bottom lip out. Pouting up at him with a wine.

"No, I'm tired, I can't do it," i yawned dramatically, "its no good, you'll have to help," said smiling to myself when I saw him swallow down the lump in his throat at the thought. "Van please," i said a little softer, looking up with these deep, pooling eyes which were saying please to.

He sighed, head tilted to the cieling momentarily. When he met my gaze again he was smiling too, one of those soft, lustful smiles, his mind already one step ahead of him. Imagining what he'd be looking at a moment or two from now. Imagining what he'd be doing in five minutes time when the shower was on and our bodies were concealed by the steam. Our lips pushing together, brushing, tongues and teeth colliding, a lethargic kind of fuck.