Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Katie

"I don't think i wanna do it anymore Ben," i said softly. He was playing with my fingers, our hands holding one another above our heads as we lay back in his bed only half tucked in.

"Do what?" he asked looking up at our fingers, studying them, trying not to frown.

Knowing benji he already knew what i was going to say.

"I don't think i wanna go back to the tour..." i said softly, heart and soul twisting, regret and guilt and an ache i couldnt shift, something like self pity. Something like pity for my friends who were so very much in love with this new way of life we'd carved for ourself. For the band.

"Why sweet'eart" he asked, still just playing with our fingers lackadaisical, gentle. Tender.

"i just," i wasnt crying, i was nowhere near it, but it hurt my heart and it was difficult to get the words out right. Difficult to find the right ones.

"Is it cause of what happened with Saffy? Cause darlin you cant let one wanker ruin somet you really love..." he started but I was shaking my head before he'd finished his sentence.

"No," i said, "well not just that you know I just..." i stopped, i didnt have the words, i didnt know what I was supposed to say, how I was meant to tell him that it wasn't really something that I loved, it never really had been. I just loved the girls very deeply and I'd do anything for them, like learning the bass and joining their band and playing little gigs at pubs in camden. I wasn't sure how to tell him, I'd never expected us to go so far. I'd never expected things to escalate and now they had it was all beginning to feel a little out of control.

"I'm an English Lit student Ben," I sighed, "what the fuck am I doin?" it wasn't really a question he could answer. Then again it wasn't really a question I'd wanted him to. Still he tried.

He took my hand, pressed it to his chest, rested his palm on mine and as he spoke he linked his fingers with mine one by one.

"you can be both you know Kate," he smirked softly rolling onto his side to prop himself up on his elbow, looking down at me. "You don't have to choose one or the other..."

"I don't even know how I ended up here,"

"Youre thinkin too much Kate," he said reaching down to caress my cheek, his thumb brushing over my lips briefly. "It doesnt matter how you got here love, it doesn't even matter where you're going, just that you're happy now in the moment right... Do yous still feel good on stage?" he asked and I chewed my cheek because he was looking into my eyes with such sinserity and I could tell how badly he wanted to help. It was touching how seriously he was taking me.

People don't often do that when you're the quiet one. When youre the shy, anxious one always over thinking everything.

I sucked in my bottom lip, looked up at him from under my eyelashes.

"I like that feelin you get when it goes well and you can hear people enjoyin it I guess... But the rest of it..."

"Sweetheart the rest of its irrelevant alright, the labels and the ARs and the radios and all that shite is just that right... Just shit to cloud your head, just look past it,"

"But its, I don't know..." i sighed softly, "at least when we were tourin we were with yous and you lot cared like... This ones different cause no one does like, no one was arsed about Saff when she was in the hospital, it was just this big inconvenience and the other girls don't know about that because I was the one dealt with em," i sniffled, still not quite crying, only feeling a tear escape when he pressed his hand to my arm, his thumb brushing slow soothing strokes over my sleeve.

"Kate love..." he started but I shook my head, something to confess. Something uneasy which had been playing on my mind.

"I overheard Matt when he were in the loos with Georgie, an i knew they were gonna leave us and I just let them..." i whispered, despairing with myself and yet so relieved to tell someone. Brows knitting together when he smirked, rolled his eyes, rolled onto his back pulling me onto him and into a warm embrace. My face hovered above him, he held me there, my hair falling around us like curtains. He was doing it on purpose. I had no choice but to look him in the eyes this time.