Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Saffron

I lay with my head in Rudys lap in the middle of kittys bedroom floor.
It was raining in London and we'd closed all the windows, hotboxed her bedroom and decided to wile away the evening watching the grey skies and the raindrops through the skylights.

We were that sleepy sort of stoned, lost to a muted lull, eyes half open as we sat there in a daze.

"i sit and wait, does an angel contenplate my fate," Rudy broke the silence with a dramatic sigh, one of those hakf hearted mumbled melodies that had me and Katie smirking up at him in confusion.

"do they know the places where we go when we're grey and old?" said Kitty dryly. She had that teasing look in her eyes as i bit back a grin.

"maybe we should fuck honeymoons off altogether, start a Robbie williams tribute band. We could be Robbies angels..." i cracked a laugh and they did too, and when we trailed off Rudy asked us again, something he'd been asking a lot recently.

"Do you think you're gonna carry on with Honeymoons?"

So i sighed and Katie chewed her chin and when our eyes met eachother we didn't know what to do. And suddenly that was funny and we were smirking at one another once again. And then we were giggling.

"I don't know," i said shrugging my shoulders, wondering whether Kitty was laughing for the same reason as me. Whether she was just laughing through the despair because something she'd spend 2 years of her life on might suddenly becoming to an end. And if it did what would she do then?

And that made me think of Fliss. Since we'd startef Honeymoons it had become her whole life. She spent every moment thinking of lyrics and melodies and anything else to do with the band.

"no, we'll do something, even if its just us three," i nodded more a promise to myself than a reassurance to the others.

"you think Jazz will quit?" asked Katie then. Her eyes suddenly very sad. Almost more sorry than I'd expected.

"I don't know," i sighed, "but i know he's still sore about Alice, he thinks we chose Fliss over her doesn't he Rudes," i said quietly. Sorry too i suppose.

"he knows it wasn't like that Saff," yawned Rudy, i smiled softly because i knew deep down it wasn't true. "Its been weird for everyone though, since you got back like, its been intense hasn't it,"

"But it finally feels like its settling down," said Katie, "and it wasn't a choice, she didn't give us a choice in the end did she?"

"Fliss and Ally were always more complicated than that," i said then, even when i was stoned the guilt seeped in. "we all know that,"

"its water under the bridge, nothin to be done about it now, love hurts," yawned Rudy who was seemingly serene despite the strangely heavy subject matter. Afterall, Rudy had been soft on Fliss once, they'd had their fair share of shared nights, when they were stoned and silly and sex was the only drug left to do.

"i think its better like this anyway, they fuelled eachother didnt they, with the drugs and the drink and the putting themselves in harms way," sighed Kitty joining Rudy on the calmer wave. I nodded along and started to roll another joint and then in an attempt to shine a little light over us again i sat up and reached across the rug for Kittys guitar.

"anyway, we're changed girls, we've got a whole new sound goin for us..." i winked at him picking the opening notes of something id been working on. "I watch David Blaine, find myself believing in many things, in anything," I'd been making a lot of little songs up lately, but I'd pulled over on the hard shoulder coming home from Wales to write this song and the lyrics left me smiling like a self aware romantic, pining over some school girl crush." where would I kiss ya? If I could kiss ya?"