Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Alice

I watched from my window as she disappeared into the night, I watched the carpark glow orangey yellow for a moment as Van stumbled out the door after her, one hand in his hair the other already dialling her phone number.

I watched him give up, not bothering to kick the door closed behind him before he too disappeared into the night. And though I knew he was shouting, no sound seeped through those tinted windows and so, they appeared as if they were underwater, and in some ways I suppose they were.

One of them was certainly out of his depth here.

I slipped from my bunk to the floor, silk like as I padded barefoot into the kitchen to close the door.
For a little while I stood caught in the draft, cold and shivering, a shadow in the doorway, hoping that another shadow might return out of the black, but no one came home and so after a little while I ran my fingers down the edge, scratching my fingertips on the sharp metal latch, before pushing it quietly closed and sinking down onto the settee beside me.

"Someone jus leave?" Bondy had woken up to. Those underwater noises must have dragged him from the dream.

"Fliss and Van," I said, he seemed surprised because he hadn't made me jump, because I wasn't Saffron lying in the middle of the kitchen table. "Did you hear them fighting?" I asked but he shook his head and so I shut up. Because despite her vacancy I knew they were hiding their affections for a reason.

"What were they fighting about?"

"I don't know really," I shrugged my shoulders, meeting his gaze as if to prove I wasn't lying.

"Probably that scene wi Andy earlier, was right put out by that was our Van,"

"Yeah," I smirked sadly, "that's probably it,"

His eyes flickered over my somber expression and though I was expecting a frown he just smiled, let out a quiet laugh.

"You're so transparent allypally," he nudged me lightly, "what are you hiding ey?" But I just pulled a face, shot him a playful sneer and he just grinned back. "Fancy a brew then?" He asked standing up, boiling the kettle before I'd even had the chance to answer.

"Yeah thanks hun," I smiled letting out a sigh, pressing my forehead to the cold of the table.

"So which one of them are you waiting up for?"

For a moment his question confused me, I'd have thought it would be obvious but apparently it wasn't and so I bit my lip, let out a sigh and then said, "Fliss..."

"Because she's your friend or because you love her?"

"Jesus christ do you all know or what?" I groaned leaning back, tilting my gaze to the ceiling because I could feel my cheeks beginning to tinge, and I'd always been the cool one.

"Youre like a little window al," I grinned, placing a tea down in front of me. "You know how Van looked when Andy was cosying up to her? You looked exactly the same... she really upset you didn't she?"

I bit my lip again, chewing my cheek as I tried to think of something to say.

"She's not a bitch," I said, "she didn't mean to,"

"I know," I smirked because I was proving his point just by defending her.

"But I wasn't upset because I thought I had a chance you know... I'm not stupid, I've never thought I had a chance,"

"Ey come on pet," he sighed draping his arm around my shoulder, "Don't get upset alright," I sniffled a little and tried to dab at my eyes, I didn't like crying in front of people, it was out of character, something I watched my friends do, not something my friends watched me do.

"Im not upset she just... I wasn't expecting her to do that to him..." I bit my lip again trying to bite down a sob, "it wasn't a very fliss thing to do,"

"No, it wasn't was it," he said his voice a little dull and dead.

"Its the drugs," I said finally and when I did it was like a weight lifted from me, like the rope around my heart had been snipped in three places and unwound, fallen free and dissolved.

"Yeah?" He raised his brow as if he didnt believe me but I didnt need him to believe me.

"Yeah, she's so apathetic these days,"

"But at home you were always on drugs, this is the most sober ive ever seen you," he teased trying his best to draw a smile on my lips and for a moment or two it worked as I tried to hold back a laugh.

"Yeah yeah, you know what I mean," I rolled my eyes giggling a little through the last of my tears. "She has changed though hasn't she?" I looked up at him then under my lashes and I wondered what he saw. I was the oldest when it came to Honeymoons, I was the drunken aunty of the band, but Bondy was the drunken aunty of his band and I must have seemed young and naive to him.

"Yeah I know what you mean," he nodded slowly, "I think you're wrong though,"

"Oh?"

"Shes not apathetic, at least she doesnt seem it to me... an apathetic person woulda rolled their eyes at Van and gone to bed, but I watched them both running off,"

"No, I guess not," I pushed my hair from my face and sipped my tea, holding it close for a little warmth. "Then what do you think she is? If not apathetic?"

"She's sad," he said quietly glancing at the door as if he expected her to come through the door sobbing at any minute.

"you think she's sad..." i turned the words over once or twice, looking at my hands on the table, 

"yeah," he said, "dead sad,"

"but why? we're in america for fuck sake, we're in america and we're this close to getting signed, thats all she's ever wanted," I said frowned, watching the reflection of the front door in the blacked out window behind Bondy's mess of curly hair. 

"Is it?" the door closed softly behind her shadow, behind her black eyes, her apathetic lips as they closed and I froze.