Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Fliss

"Theres no turning, theres no turning, theres no turning back, after whats been said," I sang watching Saff, transfixed by her as she sang into the microphone center left, eyes glittering under the soundcheck spotlights. She was ethereal and emotional and I could tell that she was channeling everything that had been on her mind for the past few days into our rehearsal. I wondered what it was that had changed her, sparked some kind of response from her. Given her a reason spark and fire up again.
I was sure it was Bondy, I was sure they'd said something over the phone though she denied it every time I asked.
Still if it wasn't him and it was someone else I was relieved. It was good to see her singing again, good to see her feeling again.
Good to hear her daydreamy voice echoeing and drenched with reverb, filling an empty arena.

"You find a wave and try to hold on for as long as you can, you made a mistake you want to erase and I understand... Whats left for you and me? I'll take suggestions we toss and turn, in undertow, time to let go..." she licked her lips with a smile as she took a breath before the chorus and we all joined in again.

Perhaps the saddest thing about this song is how long ago she said she'd written it, over a year ago and of course about Rhys. Which meant that though at some point she'd felt all of this, although she knew that there was no forgetting and no forgiving, no turning back after one of their crazy fights which she always fell out of worst off, she'd carried on anyway.
She'd carried on unhappy and every single time she'd felt this way she'd carried on and on. And when she should have left she didn't and now when she wanted to feel love and be loved again, she couldn't quite bring herself to let go.

And yet tonight she sang it with a smile.
Somehow that gave me a little hope.

When we finished the song we finished the set and I grinned taking my cig from behind my ear as I abandoned my guitar besides my amp and fled for the back door to smoke. Saffy followed but Kitty and Jazz lingered back and I knew why that was.
It was because Kitty and Noel resonated on another level and every moment they found to be antisocial together they took it.
It was funny really, how Noel had taken us by surprise with his strange father figure role amongst us. I'd expected friendly bullying and reckless advice but he was far more laid back than his little brother and there had been no wild parties or lary drunken encounters between us. Though he liked to have a snigger at the story of how we'd snook into Liams R//L after party in our pjs and gone almost too far.

Wed had a giggle about it behind his back on the first night of the tour, a stupid little toss up, which brother we preferred. We'd dubbed Noel too serious, Liam was a rave, he was unpredictable. Noel was just the mard arse. And he was a mard arse we weren't wrong there, and he wasn't quite so keen on all the drugs and the drink as his brother was either. He wasn't one to encourage us not to calm down. He wasn't an early nighter but he wasn't the kind to stay up to the early ams like we were.

Still hed grown on us, some of us more than others. It was probably easier for the others, they were just about old enough to trick him into believing they were on his wavelength, but I was his daughters age.
Every time he looked at me I could tell what he was seeing, what he was thinking, and he thought that I was still a child, he could see that really I was out of my depth. Treading water to try and stay afloat and with the lads half the world away, with Alice dissapeared, with Rudy and Gez in London, I was beginning to feel a little less secure than I'd have liked.

The girls were and always would be my nearest and dearest, my rocks, the family I never really had, but I was beginning to realise day by day that that family was shrinking. Saffy was wavering and I could tell Kitty was chewing her cheek and having second thoughts.

Perhaps thats why every time i caught Noel smirk or shake his head it didn't sit with me the way it sat with the rest of them. Perhaps it was because he was doubting exactly the same thing as me.

"I wanna try the new one," said Saff lighting up both our cigarettes, "you know the one I was singing yesterday, the shit one..."

"the antisocial one?" i frowned watching her bristle all electric buzzing with excitment and adrenaline. I'd not seen her so full of anticipation sober for a long time but I liked it. It made me feel a little less like we were all about to fall apart.

"Yeah i wanna try it tonight, steada kiss ya," she said chewing her cheek. I watched her eyes flickering from me to the floor, her shoes, her cig. She looked like she'd taken something but actually none of us had taken anything since the night she'd been spiked.

"We don't know it?" I asked with a small grin because not knowing the song wouldn't stop us from playing it, it never had before. Watching her eyes light up, her own smile twitching, felt like watching things slide back into place again. It looked like the old days when we were young and no one had been watching us. This was one of those smiles. The sorts of smiles we'd shared in secret harmonising to a synthy daydream of a song.

So I wasted no time in grabbing her hand, dropping my cigarette and dragging her back into the other, grabbing them too. Whipping them up in our flurry of excitement.

"Last minute change to the set lids," I grinned at Jazz and Kitty, my only explanation for what I was about to impose upon them, "and you're gonna be mad fer it!"

Kitty bit back a smile, Jazz clapped his hands and rubbed them together and when Saffy picked up her electric guitar and began to play the riff, unplugged with a hesitant smile, the three of us sat there and listened, ears pricked, about to be blessed though we were only suspicious of that until she sang.

And then we were singing it for real. Opening the set with it.

We were glittering and Saffy was broody and pouting into the microphone, almost sarcastic, feeling every emotion all at once and channelling it into the best opening song we'd ever played.

"I don't wanna be touched all the time, I raised my body up to be mine.... ha" even that singular sylable was bliss. She was bliss and she was blissful. Brilliant. And by the first chorus she'd stunned the room. By the last line Noel was leaning up in the wings with a knowing smirk on his lips, looking at her with an air of pride I was sure he would shrug off if any of his crew were to catch him. He looked like he thought he'd raised her. And maybe he had, I'd never know what they'd spoken about and I was almost certain I'd never know what it felt like to be spoken to by him the way he'd spoken to her.

I wasn't really sure I welcomed father figures all that much anymore.

I flashed Saffy a grin as the crowd began to cheer. It felt strange to think that they were cheering us as I stepped up to the mic, about to take the lead, about to mumble self deprecating humour and welcome to the best half hour of the worst night of their lives.

"We're callin this one Adult Diversion," i simmered looking to my left to catch a small smirk from Kitty who looked a little less nervous than she usually did.
I wondered whether she was finally getting used to it or whether she'd spent the last half an hour before we went on smoking Noels weed and putting the world to rights.

"If I should fall act as if never happened, I will retreat and sit inside so very quietly..." Id warmed to this song when we'd written it, just me and Saffy giggling at the foot of my bed, day drunk after a morning down the pub with some of the lads from uni. It was happy, self amused. We sounded like the vaccines and they didn't get enough credit these days.

I flashed Saff a grin when she jumped up to the mic to sing her bit, and when we all joined in singing in a round in harmony and her smile caught the light I knew we were onto something good and I knew nothing was going to come between us anymore. I knew that in the end we'd be alright and Saffy would feel love and I wouldn't feel like I needed a conventional family because I'd always have the band. The four of us, inseparable until the end.