Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Van

"I know everyone goes any damn way they like," I watched Fliss singing into a radio microphone, absentmindedly stitching the holes in her jeans with a blue ribbon as Katie and Saffron played along. They'd popped up a few times now on festivals live lounge sessions, Jo Wiley or someone else watching contently as they played another song off their late night coke trip playlists.

"You get taken all the time for a fool, I don't know why, you're so gullible but I don't mind, thats not the problem..."

"Ey lad what're you doing back here?" Yawned Bondy wandering into the back of the bus half blinded by his hangover. I snapped round and back into reality pausing the video, he flashed me half a smile and threw himself down beside me. "Saw that one on Saffs Instagram earlier you know, if yous used yours more yous wouldn't have to feel so far behind," he winked only teasing me and yet still I found it so frustrating that everyone else got to be in the loop.

"Better not anyway had I or I'll have Andy on my case again won't I.." I smirked sarcastically back, he chuckled though he could tell I was still bitter.

"Dunner think its you watching her videos thats given him that impression," he chuckled. I grinned along with him because I knew he was right, I knew they were all right really, but I was stubborn enough to remain head strong and burning up in denial.

"Can't win with them lot though can I, if I'm friends with a girl I'm obviously fucking her, and when I try and tell em I'm not they just say I'm lying..."

"Well are you?"

"Why the fuck should it matter?!" I hadn't meant to snap and when I turned to him he was smirking through his surprise.

"Hes really riled you huh?"

"Wouldn't you be pissed?" I shrugged bluntly, I could tell I was being overly mardy, that he didnt deserve to see me sitting sulking, but I couldn't help myself.

He shrugged his shoulders then and smiled nodding his head slowly, fiddling with a cigarette between his fingers.

"I would be, if somet was going on between me and one of the girls..."

"Oh don't you start," I sighed, "give over lad," I yawned trying to pass it off as a dull subject instead of a subject which left a dull ache in my chest and an agitated buzz in my body.

"I'm not starting anything," he laughed hands in the air, "Christ," he grinned, "you menopausal or what?"

"ey get to fuck you cheeky git," I grinned pushing myself up, chuckling as I left the room and wandered outside into the warm morning sun.

America was a strange place, I thought so anyway. It was big enough that you could lose yourself a million times over and still never recognize a single street, and yet the people there always managed to make you feel at home.

I pushed my fringe from my face and gazed out at the car park, the hotel we were staying in didnt attract many other guests like us, only business men and company executives.

I lit up a smoke and smiled when I took out my phone, grateful for the peace and quiet I was about to break by calling Fliss.

"Hiya love," I yawned again as I spoke, she sounded tired too when she said hello and asked me how I was. "Grand ta, still not speaking to Andy like but hey, what can you do?"

"Stop being such a stubborn get and get on with it?" She was only teasing but of course she didn't know why we'd fallen out.

"Ey you you're meant be on my side!" I grinned my voice changing pitch in feigned shock.

"I'm on my own side McCann," she was laughing a little but when she cut herself short I could picture her eyes roll back as a, "yeah giz a minute mam," sounded down the line and I realized where she must have been.

"Yous still not got yourself a dress for that wedding or somet," I smirked grinning when she wined down the line and said no.

"Literally everything I try on is minging,"

"Get to fuck," I smirked softly, "not on you love,"

"Ay on me Van," she laughed a little brushing me off, "nothing looks nice, the ones that suit me either don't match or me mam doesn't like them, and the ones me mam likes on me make me look fat or washed out or you know..."

"In what kind of parallel universe could you possibly look..."

"oh give over Van," she giggled though i could tell she wasn't really smiling. she sounded lethargic and let down, not her usual fizzed up self. "You know now they're making me take a plus one an all, me mam wants me to take one of her friends sons.... I mean fucking hell..."

I heard her mother bang on the changing room door, another, "felicity don't use that kind of foul language in my presence!"

I would have laughed had Fliss, but she didnt this time and I thought I heard a sigh, a sad sort of strangeness setting in when her mother spoke up again and spoiled the mood.

"You know you sound just like your dad when you talk like that... Don't lower yourself for goodness sake,"

After that, no matter what I said to her I couldn't seem to get her to smile, she didnt laugh and she didnt try any of her usual tricks with me. she gave up trying to wind me up, she gave up her usual teasing, and replaced it with a half hearted few words every now and then, in a weak attempt to convince me that she was fine.

"Why don't yous take me..." I suggested suddenly.

"Take you where?" She hadn't been concentrating for the last 10 minutes.

"To the wedding, I'll be your plus one?" I asked, hoping shed smile and say yes.

"That'd be nice," she said softly, "but you know that you can't...."

"Why can't I?" I frowned knowing exactly what she was about to say.

"no ones meant to know are they, and.."

"And?" I was playing dumb because I didnt want her to turn me down, still I knew exactly where the conversation was headed and with the added weight of my current feud with Andy, her reiterating the facts would only ruin my mood. "Who at your sisters wedding is even going to recognize me?" I smirked, she smirked too.

"Do you really want to risk it though Van?"

"Howay lass I don't give a fuck, you know I'd choose a weekend with you over 'what if someone's sees us' any day," I grinned acting up for her because I couldn't stand to think she'd ever imagine I valued her less than my public opinion.

"well," she smiled softly, "I can't think of anyone else I'd rather get smashed and dance to Aerosmith with," she giggled a little then and I couldn't help but feel homesick, a little desperate to hold her and kiss her in secret behind another closed door, in a hotel or the back corridors of some fancy restaurant.