Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Fliss

"actually Andy, have you got a minute?"

I played my words round in my mind on repeat. I'd been fucked out of my mind, I'd been totally dazed, cloudier and cloudier and yet I'd managed to say it anyway.

If only I'd been too stoned to speak.

I lay back in my bed playing and replaying the sequence which had followed, the minutes we had shared together in the next room whilst the others tried to listen in.

"Everything alright Fliss?" He had asked leaning with his hand holding the side of Vans bunk.

"Well no..." I had started with a strange shivering confidence, like if I didn't speak I'd shrink away from him into the shadows and bow my head. Like I was speaking for the sake of it without really knowing why or what good I thought a fight would do me.

"Really? Thats a shame..." he said, "whats wrong?" And it had all felt so normal at the time, it had all felt so cliche.

"Well... its," I trailed off, he was holding my gaze with a look that said shut up. It was subtle and yet enough to keep me tongue tied and uncertain all the same. "You need to leave Kitty and Blakes to it... whats going on between thems private an its none of anyone elses business..."

For a second he was stunned, for a second I was stunned, eyes locked on his and then suddenly, seeing his darken with disappointment, locked on the floor. Suddenly my shoelaces were fascinating and his eyelashes an eyesore.

"Oh really?" He smirked, "well thats interesting Fliss, thanks for sharing your opinion..." he began and his smile split into a grin as he looked me up and down again, stepping closer. "Its a shame you didn't tell me sooner, perhaps if management had known Fliss Thomas had an opinion on the matter then they'd have stopped the clocks to hear it..." he was bitter then, twisting round his words with a sardonic undertone which chilled me. And still he seemed a little closer than he had been a moment ago.

"Excuse me?" I asked, I hadn't meant to say it out loud, I hadn't wanted to let on my nerves, the uncertainty he was stranding me with.

"You're pretty Fliss... you're cute when you're confused," he carried on and all I could do was stand there, "but this ones for the grown ups to thrash out okay? Its all a bit more complicated than you would understand..."

"I'm not stupid," I said simply the world shifting uncomfortably beneath my socks.

"I know love," he chuckled leaning down taking my cheeks between his thumb and forefinger, bringing me to look up at him.

I hadn't quite grasped how close we'd become, but I could feel the warmth of his body against mine, and the cold of the door pushed to my back. I wasn't sure how I'd wound up trapped like that but the moment I realised I was I felt my stomach knot, a wave of nausea wash over me because it was too late. He smirked as he pulled away, his lips leaving mine feeling like they weren't my lips at all.
I blinked, blank expression, lips frozen, shoulders stiff, chest tight.

"Shhh," he smirked stroking my cheek, his hand trailing down my arm playing with my fingers before he wrapped them around the door handle, "remember love, whats going on between us is private and its none of anyone elses business... okay," he winked before opening the door, pushing me towards the room where my friends were waiting.

I didn't want to walk, I didn't feel like I could, still stunned and stuck in a surreal parallel where no one was smiling and the television was too loud.

"Ey up lads I think shes gone," I heard Bondy grin, he sounded like he was speaking on the other side of a glass door, and when Alice took my hand and Saffy giggled by my ear the room span round and I felt myself sink into the cushions and someones chest.

Van had said I looked peaky, the television had been too loud.
They were playing Fifa and Benji kept losing, Saffron kept laughing by my ear and the television had been too loud.

I couldnt move, and my hands felt like someone elses, my legs felt like someone elses and my stomach felt like someone elses.
My lips twitched and tingled and the muscle memory, the pressure he'd put on them when he'd pushed against them, remained a constant, unfading.

I could feel his saliva in the corner of my mouth, and when I tried to wipe with my sleeve I felt sick because my skin was crawling and my hands felt like his.

"Felicity wishes darlin," smirked Alice stroking my shoulders, "youre a bit cold sugar do you think yous should go to bed?" She asked me with a tender smile, but I could only shake my head. I didn't want to lie alone in my bunk playing and replaying the evening over and over again until I slipped away.

So I didn't go to bed, I stayed perfectly still, lying with my head on Allys chest, occasionally managing to smirk or shake my head at the things Van said to try and wind me up, and then when my friends fell asleep I lay with my eyes on the ceiling, the ait conditioning unit above our heads and I watched the red and green lights flicker on and off and on and off.

"Fliss," hissed Van. When at first I didnt respond he said it again and then again until eventually he was forced to carry on anyway. "Fizzy I know youre awake... what did you say to andy?" He asked and blinked struggling to move my lips. They still felt strange. They felt cold and tired and like someone had pulled the skin too tight and when Van placed his to my cheek the warmth felt almost alien.

"I told him to leave kitty an blakes alone," I whispered back, smiling slightly when I saw his eyes glistening down at me.

"And what did he say?" He smirked, I struggled to smirk back but somehow I did.

"He said that this one was for the grown ups to thrash out," I sounded bitter, I couldnt help myself, and he chuckled softly, his chest shaking a little.

In the dark I couldn't tell whether he was sitting up or hovering over me, propped up on his elbow, I could only tell that he was closer. Still, closer was a comfort to me just then.

"He's a twat," he shrugged his shoulders suddenly flopping down, his head hitting my chest with a thud making me giggle.

I felt better already with his breath on my collar bones, like I didn't need to divulge the details of my night, like he understood anyway even without knowing. He was there and everything felt lighter and brighter and more like a laugh when he was holding onto you.

"Hes more than that," I sighed with my hand in his hair, smiling again and giggling along when he leant up to place a kiss on my chin and my cheek and my temple, relaxing again with his lips on the collar of my crop top.

"Aye I know, but you're lovely, an you're a friend to a fault sweetheart," he said, "Don't mess around wi andy Fizz, he's worse than you think..." he said a warning tone taking over as he closed his eyes and exhaled.

I let out a sigh of my own mouthing along, "I know," but the words never really left my lips, despite the shapes they had curved and he never heard a thing, drifting to sleep with my hands in his hair and his hair tickling my chest.