Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Fliss

One minute I was doing shots with Saffron, my head spinning as we giggled and made plans with Sam for the tour, the next I was checking my phone to see my whole world thrown into question.

I've been thinking things over since the other day, I want us to spend some proper time together. You could come and stay with me over the summer if you'd like.
Love Dad x

I don't know how long I stood there reading it for but I must have read it 100 times or more and when I looked up I was out the loop, the joke had changed, my friends were gathered round a snooker table taking it in turns to teach Alex how to play. Even Noel was playing along with them, stretched out across the table with a look of concentration eating away at him. Saffy watched him, tense as you like and though for a moment I wanted to join her, stand beside her and her folded arms, study the game with her, chew my cheek beside her, i couldnt.

I just sort of stood there, shocked.

And then i just sort of walked out. I just sort of wandered off, into the night, tired and blinking, heart jagged pace, and I sat myself down, on the edge of a wall, and I took out a cigarette, tapped my finger on the side of my lighter. Agitated. Agitated. And i sucked in a breath.
I chewed my cheek. Looked up at the sky. Reread the message. I exhaled a long cloud of smoke. My heart still beating, not rapid but a little too quickly. A little out of sync. My head wasn't spinning but it wasn't sure. I wasn't sure.

I wasn't sure if i could trust him, or why he'd text me that now, in the middle of the night. Or why he'd text it at all.
I wasn't sure if i wanted to answer him. If i wanted to think about that now. Not that i really had a choice because i was thinking about it. I wasn't sure whether i could just go and stay with him, id only had one conversation with him and would it even make it better? Would it be enough? Would it make up for lost time or would it add to the confusion i already felt. Would it make it all worse?

Could he just walk back into my life and start being dad again? He wouldn't be the man i remembered, not that i remembered him much at all.

I sucked in my bottom lip. I bit.

I tapped my fingers on the the side of my lighter. My fingernails clicked it, we sounded like rain. I let out a sigh and a cloud of smoke.

And through that smoke emerged a friendly smile, a warm set of eyes who were watching me. But i didnt notice them quite quickly enough to smile.

"Darlin, whatre you doin out here on your own?" grinned Van, standing in front of my like a streetlamp, glowing just in front of me, radiating warmth. He painted a little smile on my lips without trying.

"Nothin," i shrugged, "just got a text," i said quietly, not so softly that I thought he would sense my sorrow, but he sensed it anyway. Frowned.

He was still smiling when he sat himself down beside me and stole the smouldering dead cigarette from between my lips. He flicked it out and smirked at me.

"smoked that stale you have love," he said, his shoulder to my shoulder as we sat side by side and he struggled with his lighter to light up a fresh one.  "Whats in this text thats got you lookin so down?" he asked looking to me from under his fringe as he sparked the lighter once more. Still it didn't catch and the little flash of light which left his eyes aglow was just that, a flash, so i took my own lighter from my lap and offered it up. He smiled, but he didn't say anything else.

"From me dad," i said, "he wants me to come stay at his over the summer, spend some proper time with him like," i said, pulling one of those faces, sort of uncertain, sort of sarcastic, sort of trying not to get my hopes up, pretend i wasnt arsed, just confused. But Van knew me better than that.