Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Fliss

"Good evening my darling Seattle," I smiled into the microphone, enjoying the way it felt to wrap my fingers around it, to simmer down at the crowd who had gathered and grin and feel the excitement brewing in the pit of my stomach, tingle in my fingers and toes as I introduced our first song.

It was strange without Alice, but for now we would manage because Bondy had been right when he'd told Saff that we had it all down ourselves. Alice had sounded good on her synths but we didn't really need synths to add that extra fizz and sparkle, we had that all down ourselves.

The spotlights were hot on my skin and for fleeting moments I was reminded of the fever which had knocked me for six only days before, but when I blinked and opened my eyes and they settled on a moving crowd, teenagers like waves, with currents running through them, the heat was just heat and my chest ached to give them the show they'd come for.

And I did, and when we finishes and dropped our guitars down against our amps, when we wandered off stage in a daze Saffron and Kitty jumped on me, arms around me, squealing with delight, bright and bubbling over and, when they slid away Jazz was there too grinning, quietly humbled by just how well we'd all done on our own.

"You were amazing Fliss," beamed Saffy, "fucking brilliant," she jumped again more alive than I'd seen her in a long time.

"I can't believe we did it," breathed Kitty as I squeezed her tight and we spun round together overjoyed and giddy with relief. We'd both been scared, underneath the excited smiles we had forced. She'd been scared without Alice and I'd been scared I'd fuck it up, scared that I wasn't ready yet, that I'd faint on stage or something stupid.
But I hadn't and she hadn't and everything had gone just as it was supposed to and so when we finally made it deep enough into the wings that Benji could sweep her off her feet and spin her around, I was only half surprised that Van had done the same.

"So much for being careful," I'd smirked into his ear as he kissed me on the temple and spun me round again.

"Am so proud of you Fizzy," he grinned ignoring my question until a wolf whistle cut through the silence and he froze. "Sorry," he chuckled quietly placing me onto the floor. "Guess I don't feel the need to be so careful now he's gone," he said he with such a bitterness that for a moment I was shocked. I looked up at him, blinking up at him and until he smiled I struggled to.

"I'm glad he's gone," I said stifling a yawn which crept up out of nowhere and drew a frown on his face.

"Maybe you should take it easy tonight kidda,"

I shook my head like a defiant child arms crossed over my chest.

"Nuhuh no way, tonight we celebrate," I beamed up at him knowing he'd struggle to argue with the shine of my pearly whites.

"I just think..."

"I just think..." I mimicked him in a squeaky voice, mocking him with my hands before turning away, abandoning him there to prepare to go on stage whilst I found Saffy and Bondy and begged for a joint and a bottle of beer.

"Someones in the party mood," teased Johnny.

"Course I am, aren't you?" I grinned back, "gotta make the most of being here, theres only a few more nights left!"

"Don't remind me," whimpered jazz, mock hurt as he brought his hand to his forehead pretending to faint with sorrow. "I don't want to go back, you can't make me go back!"

"You'll miss it one day," chuckled Bondy, I'm looking forward to drizzly new castle," he dropped the last of our joint, we smoked quicker when it was cold, and headed inside picking up one last pint for the show before he followed the others to the stage door and unlike the night before we followed too.

There was me and Saffy and Katie and Jazz and we danced around Larry in a circle holding out our hands to him, ring around the rosie, giddy and grinning, delirious almost as the weed washed over us and swept us up into a daydream like haze.

"And I race to meet you on your souncheck..." sang Van as the tempo picked up and we all waited for the drop. As the chorus hit the crowd lost it and the place blew up, bright lights and dry ice and teenagers on shoulders singing and beaming back at Van on stage.

I felt my lips curve around a smile, proud of him, pleased for him because he'd already got everything he wanted and he was barely in his 20s.

Every now and then he'd catch my breath, push his hair from his eyes as his voice scratched over another line easy to pretend it was about me. He'd turn oh so slightly to the wings and wink before blinking and returning to his audience swept up in the rush of it all. Of their voices and their movements like waves, currents churning a sea outstretched before him.

When they left the stage they left stumbling, one after the other into the wings, collapsing onto the settees in the greenroom, sticky, sweaty and out of breath. Overwhelmed. Van however was sparkling, he seemed to shimmer beneath the flickering yellow lights in the dressing room, in the corridor which lead outside. Outside under the green white light of the firescape signs, the traffic lights from the crossing across the street.

"That was brilliant," he grinned lighting up a cig. I stole the second drag, too lazy, too satiated to bother with my own. "We're not poor now lass, we dont have to twos it,"

"Maybe I'm cutting down," I shrugged, hands in pockets having given it back.

"You? I don't think so," he chuckled, "I thought you said oxygens overrated, I don't even need to breath," he mocked me, teasing glint in his eyes.

I bit back a smirk, shook my head.

"No I think you said that first," I took out my own, lit it up, grinned when he said I owed him a drag.

"I thought yous said we didnt have to twos it anymore, we're rich now," I winked, laughing along when he told me to fuck off.
And suddenly I felt settled. I felt it wash over me, drag the silt from my skin as the wave retreated and left me serene. Cleansed of everything which had riddled me before. No aches, no pains, no nausea. No tension.

I smiled up at Van and when he smiled too I broke out beaming, sunshine in the middle of the city at night and he beamed back, clueless as to why we were suddenly so happy. Little did he know we needed no reasons, we just were.