Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Van

Something wasn't right, that much I knew. Something had changed but I didn't know what and I didn't know when and seeing Fliss whirling round the living room with dark black eyes was surreal. She was uncanny bathed in late night neon leaking through the cracks in blackout blinds. She was swaying with Kate and they were perfectly quiet, shimmering serene.
But it wasn't like it used to be, she wasn't like she used to be.

I didn't feel alive when I was with her, I wasnt tempted to take the things she was taking, to reach her level.

She was half the size she used to be I was sure, and she'd always been slight and small.
She was half the girl she used to be, but I couldn't tell what had pushed her over the line. Thin as it were.

The others were okay, even when they were bouncing off the walls, the others were happy. She was hollow and slowly filling like an hourglass with cocaine and other strange white substances. I feared to think of what might happen if she ran out of time.
Cause we couldn't just turn her over and start her again.

I watched her with sorry eyes, and the more she swayed and spun the more my chest ached with her and the way she didn't seem to care that Andy had gotten to close.

I wondered how long id have to wait up tonight, wondered when she'd make like alice and call it a night.
Probably the next morning, probably the same as every night. She probably wouldn't even notice the sun come up.

I shifted and clenched my jaw picturing the way his hands had rested on the counter either side of her, the way his lips had been centimetres from hers, the way he'd lit up and she'd just frozen held captive in his gaze.
She'd never frozen at my touch.
She must have changed her mind.

And yet when the others went to bed, when Saffy passed out and Bondy made sure she found a duvet to wake up beneath, I couldn't bring myself to leave her alone.

"Fliss," I sighed standing up. She was dancing with herself, one hand cupping her cheek as she rocked from one foot to the other, skin aglow with the chemical light of the microwave. She was beautiful, divine and I felt a little guilty when my voice, my hand on her shoulder disturbed her and tore her away from the trance.

"Come on love, you need to go to bed," I yawned brushing my fingers down her bare arm. She looked back at me with empty eyes, pooling black and fathomless, I wondered how far I'd have to swim to find her soul, hidden and shivering behind a rock.

"I'm not tired,"

"You never are," I rolled my eyes, voice grazing the air a little harsher than I thought.

"Oh," she said suddenly subdued. She was shivering, eyelashes fluttering.

I shrugged my jumper off, tried to pull it over her head but she wouldnt lift her arms up and she wouldnt move so I didnt. She frowned.

"Ally says ive upset you," she spoke softly, as if suddenly she'd tuned in. As if she'd finally blinked away the white mist which had clouded her all evening.

"A bit yeah," I shrugged, too tired to lie, too tired to listen when she tried to defend herself. "Don't love, save it for tomorrow..." I cut her off, "you wont know what youre saying anyway,"

"What?" She asked, her ears more sensitive than I'd imagined them to be. "Was it Andy?" She asked, "earlier when he was here, Ally said it was Andy..."

"It wasn't andy, come on you lets just go to bed," I tried to force a smile and shrug her off, tried to steer her in the direction of the bunks, so I might settle her down and get some sleep.

"Are you sure? Cause you were happy before,"

"Seriously Fliss," I sighed a little louder, trying not to raise my voice at her.

That was when she turned round, swift on her heel surprising us both. I jumped to steady her but she didn't need my hands on her shoulders to hold her in place.

"Van I know what you must think of me but promise me youll try an understand!" Her eyes were white and should have been filled with tears but instead they were dull and dead.

"I do understand alright Fliss, I get it... I can't give you what you want, Andy can... it just took you a bit of time to realise it alright. I'm not stupid I understand," I groaned hitting my hand against the wall I was leaning against.

She blinked, stunned and then she shook a little.

"Yes you are,"

"What?"

"Yes you are, you are stupid, you're fucking stupid! If thats what you really think is happening then youre fucking stupid!" She snapped raising her voice, her own quivering voice.
It hurt my ears, hurt my heart and it was all I could do but to flare up and ask for a fight.

"What the fuck else am I meant to think when I tell you he wants to sign yous an the next moment youre cosying up to him?!"

"Im not cosying up to him!" I thought now she might cry but still there was nothing. Just dull eyes like blunt stainless steel.

"Yeah?" I raised my brow skeptically and she pushed me away.

"Yeah," she said again, and thought I didn't want to push her away she left on her own, out the front door into the night, and I knew I needed to follow her because she'd freeze out there on her own, but the fading look she gave me as she left kept me frozen where I stood.