Oxygen (Catfish And The Bottlemen/1975)

Fliss

"Oh come on Eileen!" i grabbed Saffys hands dizzying the pair of us as we spun round and round like two kids at a school disco, drunk and feeling lighter than either of us had for days.

As we spun i caught sight of Van and Johnny laughing at us, Larry and Bob wandering over from the bar with their round. Blakes was outside on the phone to Kitty or at least i imagined he would be.

"you in that dress oh my thoughts i confess..." i sang at Saff, all dramatic arms and a flirtatious wink, giggling through my childish serenade.

"they turn dirty," Vans lips by my ear, his hands on my waist made me jump and squeal dissolving into his embrace with laughter as he picked me up and spun me round.

"van put me down you dickhead!" i giggled wriggling free, about to turn back to my best friend, though when i stole a glance over my shoulder i saw her and Johnny winding eachother up as she tried to teach him the dance we always did to our song.

"oh my god Bondy you're like a baby giraffe," i grinned dragging Van over, though he wasn't much better and arguably, neither were me and Saff.
But we were having fun and it felt easy, felt natural to be there, dramatically shaking out hips when Come On Eileen turned into Shakira and Larry surprised us all with a dance of his own.

It felt like something we'd been doing for years though id barely known them all a year. It felt like i should have known Rosie Dean too, felt like i should have been sitting next to her in maths with Van and Larry. It felt like it should have been my dad sitting with Bernie in the back garden, nostalgic glint in his eye.

And when Bondy had thought i was jealous earlier thats what I'd been jealous of.

I didn't care about Rosie Dean with her arms around Van, i cared about the fact that to everyone else he was an old friend, that everyone else had grown up here. It was their life and it should have been mine. I should have grown up in Wales with my dad, i should have kept going to Vans in the summer, should have known every face in that village hall. I shouldn't have felt like a tourist in my home town. But i did and that was what i was jealous of.

"oh my god that's the worst thing you've ever said out loud!" gasped Saff suddenly a look of pure horror crossing her pretty features. Her hands clasped over her mouth as she struggled between crying and laughing at something Van had just said. I looked between them biting back a bemused laugh of my own when i saw that each and every one of them looked just like Saffy. All of them but Van who simply wore a guilty smile, not even trying to defend himself.

"what?" i smirked trying my best to work them all out, "what did he say?"

"oh god you dont even wanna know," grinned Saffron still stunned as she stepped away from Van and tripped over Bobs shoe.

"no way come on what did he say?"

"don't look at me!" cried Bondy half laughing as he caught Saff who'd found it hard to revover from the altercation with Bobs left foot, "I'm not repeating it,"

"van..." i turned to him then, desperate to know and growing more desperate with every second i was denied.

"oh no way youre not gettin me to say it again, god will strike me down..." he shrugged his shoulders. He wore the expression of a five year old whod just been caught swearing for the first time by his nana. It was almost hilarious and id have probably found it even more amusing had i been able to join in with their joke, but the more i pestered them the more amusing they found it to pretend they knew not of what i was talking about.

"oh come on!" i wined tugging at Vans sleeve as we wandered outside for a cig, "please you have to tell me," he turned to look at me over his shoulder, his eyes resting on my pouting expression, my puppy eyes glistening under the electric lamp above us.

"you're cute Fliss, real cute," he chuckled pinching my cheek, "i could just eat you up,"

"bite me," i crossed my arms and glared back at him but it only made him laugh more. Only made his teasing worse as he lit up a cig and pretended to ignore my sulking. My folded arms and my simmering eyes.

We'd been the first to leave the hall when the lights came up, and for the few seconds of silence which lingered between us during our stale mate, i found myself tuning into him more than id expected to. Felt myself stop sulking, felt something take a hold of me which sent me stepping closer to him, hesitant at first, standing on tiptoe to lean up and place a kiss on his cheek.

For a second he stiffened and for a second i felt my whole body freeze, a drop in my chest like missing a step in the dark. But only for a second because a moment later and a smile was curving in the corner of his mouth and his eyes were watching me, fond and full of surprise.

"that was careless," he mumbled turning to face me, his eyes flickering over mine, studying the button of ny nose and then just below.

"i don't want to care anymore," i said quietly fighting the urge to look away, to break his gaze shy and self concious.

I felt myself struggling to hold back a smile when he dropped his ciggarette though it wasn't finished, taking my cheek in his hand, his thumb brushing over my lips before he leant in and placed a kiss there too. Before he wrapped his arms around my waist, our hips brushing as he pulled away gazing down at me. Eyes full of adoration. He placed a kiss on my forehead and hugged me to his chest, and then just before the doors opened again, he flashed me a smile.

"good," he said softly, quietly, his voice gently tender in the night, the undertones lost to the sound of chatter when the doors opened and a crowd of his old school friends started pulling eachother in for long goodbyes and fond farewells. Everyone telling eachother to take care, so many text me when youre homes.

When our friends found us they were sweaty and struggling to stand up straight and the static bouncing off them as they gathered around us felt so strange to me after the quiet moment of tranquillity and tenderness that me and Van had just shared. And yet somehow i liked it more knowing that it had been our moment.

That we'd shared a private moment of peace, just familair lips brushing up against one another, our hearts beating a little out of time as we pressed them together and i rested my temple to his collar bone, eyes fixated on the cotton of his shirt.

Wed only ever shared our affection in private and yet this had changed everything. This had run deeper. And if those doors had opened seconds earlier i wouldn't have changed my mind. Id have still kissed him. Id have still nestled into his embrace. I'd habe still smiled like a giddy teenage girl when I'd felt his kiss in my hair and i felt myself smiling then because i knew, he'd have done it all again too.