Love...Thy Will Be Done

Chapter 48 - I Just Want To Love You

Two months later...

Allie's POV

The minute my alarm went off I could hear an airplane overhead. I swear they changed the flight patterns into the Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport and it was right over my apartment building...ah yes city liv'in. Even though I wasn't living in Chanhassen too long...I certainly had grown accustomed to so many things.

Oh how I miss him.

I threw the comforter back as my bedroom was sweltering; the product of winter and living on the third floor with steam heat.

Simply miss his heat, our heat.

My hands shook as I thought about the last two months of my life, our life together. Our beautiful wedding, our honeymoon in Bali and settling into married life those few weeks. It was all so surreal. We were so damn happy.

I should have known better.

Standing, I feel like every muscle in my body is aching and my skin is pulled back exposing my every nerve.

As I look in the mirror, I hardly recognize myself. The shell is there, weathered and haggered. I feel so ashamed. How did my body betrayed me?

Our happiness was taken so swiftly and I blame myself because I strayed from my faith; I was being punished. It's the only feasible explanation. At least that's what I kept telling myself.

Deep down I know it's not true though, but it's easier to justify inexplicable things that happen in our lives. Sometimes it's just easier to grasp onto a reason.

After I got out of the shower, I looked down and gently eased my hands over my tiny bump that is now vacant. My eyes closed slowly as tears burned my cheeks, my skin so raw from too many sorrowful days and tissues swiping across it.

I closed my eyes and dreamt about our little girl.

Oh Adley...

When we lost her, I lost myself...completely. She had taken over my life, our lives, only 18 weeks along yet it was like she was already... here.

I couldn't believe I did this to Prince again. He had already lived though this kind of loss once. I didn't want him to look at me that way, with a sadness. I didn't want things to become ugly like that had between him and Mayte.

That's why I left him.

Prince and I separated, well like I said, I insisted. He was shook when I said those words and he insisted that we are staying together. But to leave... I had to lie and just say I needed some time.

Being apart from him only made my unhappiness flourish...but I felt that I was a source of pain to him. I was no longer the innocent beauty he had fallen in love with for I had given him another horrific memory around trying to build a family.

I don't want to be that for him.

Truthfully, I'm not blind about this...it's also self preservation. I don't want to experience what Mayte did, him distancing himself, maybe finding another love like he did in Manuela and then leave me. I know he admitted that he went about that all wrong, but...even so.

Peering out my window, I saw Prince's car just as I do everyday. He's so respectful of my space, knowing I need some time to sort through all of this.

He sits outside at various times of the day, just so I know he's here, and in some ways I know it's just so he can be near too.

He sends me sweet texts and emails, no flowers though...we received too many of those after she...

Once I was ready, I looked one more time out my window and Prince's car was gone. Admittedly, I'm a bit relieved I wouldn't have to dodge him. These days are always so hard, when I have to actually talk about it. Plus I want him so badly but I'm doing what's best for him and us. I made my way downstairs and out to my car.