FALLING HEART

19

Looking at the mirror I found dried blood blood on my lip.Purple bruises were already highlighting my cheek.I washed my face with cold water and applied ointment over the broken skin.Again,I was functioning on auto pilot.No thoughts crossed my head as I cleaned myself and went out. Granna would be angry if she saw me like this.I have to stay away from her till my face clears.

It was getting harder to control myself.The urge to cry out to my heart's content was badgering me but I resisted as hard as I could. Didn't Ravine  realize how fortunate she was.?She could cry.Those tears were allowed to run down her cheeks but I wasn't even given the same gift.I smiled sadly feeling the injustice of life clearly.I couldn't even enjoy this simple gift,Holy Mother bestowed everyone else with.

But I won't break my promise.I just won't.I stood in open doorway of the bathroom and stared at the large bed.The sky had darkened as I had examined myself in the bathroom.Without pausing I put my bags in the corner and proceeded to light the wood in the fireplace.The chill from outside was penetrating the room and I shivered.It took a while before the wood caught fire and I sat on the small carpet  before it shoving my hands out to the heat.A heavy sigh escaped my lips.I kept staring into the yellow flames.They fascinated me like nothing else.

He just stood there.While his girlfriend violently attacked me.He stood and watched it.Not once coming to my aid.Never raising his voice at the brutality.He soothed her as if she was injured as I lay there ,my face throbbing from the pain she caused.But he didn't care,did he..?

Why would he..?

My eyes started getting heavy.I dared not sleep in the huge bed.I didn't want to be dragged out of it in the middle of night.I didn't had the energy anymore.Pulling the woolen shawl over myself that Ma had insisted I take with me,I lied down and closed my eyes.Knowing my Ma had made it herself, I felt a sense of peace wash over me as the shawl covered me.It felt as if she herself was trying to protect me from any sadness.With that as my last thought I slipped in to a dreamless sleep.

It wasn't long when I woke up shrieking as the burn in my heart intensified.I got up and gripped my left side.It was becoming difficult to breath.I ran out to the patio and tried breathing in the fresh air.The moonlight and the bright stars  illuminated the darkness.I gasped as another wave tingled up my spine and centered around my heart.I fell on my knees hard as my legs gave away suddenly.My head bowed and I shouted out the pain out to the dark woods.As suddenly as it came,the pain went away.I sighed and stayed down to get my bearing .These episodes were also becoming more frequent.I didn't understand.Why they came.?How they went away.?

A night breeze hit me in the face.I closed my eyes welcoming it.Opening my eyes I gazed at the red moon.It was getting harder to control it.Without looking at the mirror I knew my eyes were red.This was another thing I was worried about.But I had realized this,whenever I was endangered or angry, my eyes turned red.I have to calm down.

I did the only thing to calm myself down.I let my thoughts drift to Ma.Gradually the redness disappeared and the moon shone its brilliant silver beauty over me.The unknown scared me.I don't know what'll happen when I wont be able to control it.

Why does it happen to me.?No matter how many questions I ask,I won't know any answers.The one person who could answer me was far away and I never  wanted her to know about it.And asking others wasn't an option I relished much. I wanted to go to Granna but then the thought of her pushing me away scared me.

No.I cannot let anyone know.

Gazing out into the starry night one last time I trudged back inside into my makeshift bed and tried sleeping once again.After what seemed like an hour or so the door opened up  and I stilled.Without looking ,I knew who it was.Suddenly the room was flooded with light.I cringed.I could sense him taking small steps inside.He stopped beside me.I stopped breathing and my body tensed.He stood like that for a while and then wandered over to the bathroom.I heard the shower run.He wasn't trying to be quiet.The loud noises reached me and I coiled my body further.

"I am impressed you know your place." He said as he came towards me again.In  a rough voice he continued "Don't mistake my letting you stay here as anything more than it is."

He stalked towards his bed again not waiting for my reply.It's not like I had anything to say.

He laid down on the bed and shut the lights leaving the room in semi darkness again.

I closed my eyes tightly and let my body loosen its tension as sleeping sounds emerged from his direction.

The morning came too early for me.I woke up before the sun rose.Looking at the bed I found him sprawled on his back,deep in sleep.The covers kicked back. I quickly kept my things away in the corner again and without making any sound exited the room,closing the door quietly.

After yesterday's incident I  had no more energy to fight anymore.I decided it best to just avoid any further altercation with him or anyone else.I would keep to myself as much as I could.No following him around.No staring at him.Nothing.

I hurried to my old room and sighed in relief as I found it open.Rushing inside the bathroom I took a quick shower and as I passed the mirror I stopped dead in my tracks.My lips had healed and my face was once again it's old self.I touched my cheeks and my lips.No pain.pulling my clothes aside I looked at the darkened bruise.It had grown.Why is this not healing..?When everything else on my body fades away .Why does this still remain..?I frowned.

Putting my clothes back in order I dismissed the thought and went about my way.I ran down to my only solace,my garden, to escape.