FALLING HEART

30

My head was killing me.My eyes no doubt filled with sadness that was filling up my heart.It wanted to leak out so bad but I maintained the tight leash over it.I wasn't in the frame of mind to process what was happening and why it was happening.?My instincts were screaming at me to hold it in.To not let it out.I was scared of the emotions I felt inside.I didn't want them out.Afraid of what would happen.I didn't want to risk it.By each passing minute it was getting difficult to stop it.

But stop what..?I didn't know.The only thing I knew was that I couldn't fail at controlling it .I have to keep it inside.

I feared what was inside of me .It churned and was eager to come out.

I closed my eyes tightly and covered my ears to not let it's voice haunt me anymore.

"Fuck off". It came again.My head rolled with that phrase and something inside me started to break but I held it in.I heaved a deep breath.Not letting it escape the strong walls I had erected.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't just block his words out.I didn't know what to think anymore.I tried to achieve the state of blankness that I was perfect at.But this time it was not helping me.I couldn't for the life of me reach that numbness.It was as if my eyes didn't want to miss a single thing,my ears couldn't help but memorize each sound  ,my nose was full of the burnt charcoal smell of what happened today.It was all being imprinted in my mind.

The sight of my garden burning appeared behind my eyes and I shuddered physically as my emotions tumbled and fought among-st each other.Sadness.Anger.Fear.Disgust.Surprise.

Hatred.

The last one was killing me the most.And the one I was afraid of the most.

A new emotion for me.And I was not liking it very much.

I gasped as I saw a faint red hue surrounding my fingers.I stared in disbelief as they glowed red.I rubbed my hands together to dispel it but nothing happened.I couldn't handle anything more.I kept on staring at it as it glowed brighter,spreading slowly over my arms.It kept on going further.

Quickly I turned my thoughts to Ma to calm myself.My Ma.

"Ma,please come and take me home.I am scared.Help me,Ma."

I waited.A gentle gust of air flurried past me.I felt my Ma's touch in it,her strength.I felt her consoling me with that light touch and everything calmed inside me instantly.

A huge sigh of relief escaped me.

Thank you Ma.

So much love  for her enveloped my heart ,my whole being.Peace permeated my thick walls inside.And all the emotions disappeared with that.Nothing remained. As if I was purged from something evil.

I didn't let a single tear run down my eyes Ma.I kept my promise.I was proud of myself. At least I was able to control that part of my destiny.

I sat back  in the black ashes and stared at the ruin in front of me.

I don't know how long I had been sitting.I just couldn't manage to make myself leave.I couldn't believe the destruction I faced.Everything I worked so hard for destroyed.

And I mourned for all those living plants, all those bright flowers,all those small insects that pestered me.Those thorny bushes that always used to frighten me and gave me a sense of protection as well.I mourned the loss of all the hard work I put in here,my only shelter that provided me peace and a reason to get up each day.

 Nothing left .Only charred corpses.

I knew this wasn't some weird accident that happened by chance.From the way they all showed up here and were enjoying it,I can very much guarantee that it wasn't a co-incidence.I saw them laughing about it,jesting among themselves placing bets as to how much it will burn by the second.What more evidence did I need.?

I had already familiarized myself with their un-justness and their intense loathing towards me but to take it all out like this.And over what..?

  They had managed it.To make heart burn like this garden.  

I still didn't understand their loathing towards me.It cannot be just because I married here and foiled their big plans.

No.There is something more.Something that I am missing here.

But What..?And Who can tell me..?How can I find out..?

Questions.So many questions but no one to answer them.

A sense of desolation and helplessness entered me.Bringing my knees up I put my head over them and sat staring.Seeking the answers I desperately craved.

A small drop of water fell on my folded hands and I looked at it.Another one joined and it started pouring heavily.I sat there wondering at the brutal twist of fate.

A hollow laugh escaped me.

"You are too late." I whispered staring up at the dark clouds ,blaming them for not coming sooner,for not protecting what I cherished so much.

"Zairi." I heard a small voice behind me but didn't turn around.

"Zairi,please come inside.You'll catch cold." It turned stronger.I didn't pay any heed.Closing my eyes I raised my face up and let the small droplets hit me.

A hand touched my shoulder."Please, if I mean anything to you.You will listen to my request."The determined edge to the tone had me turning and staring into  dejected face of Aiinata. Her eyes were sad and puffed as if she was crying.It was the downright miserable expression on her face that had me moving.I took her outstretched hand to get up.She moved the umbrella to cover us both.Wrapping one of her arms around my drenched self.I took the short steps along with her.

I stopped and turned back to take one final look at my garden.Saying my goodbye.If I could have,I knew I would have cried buckets of tears but I wasn't even granted  that privilege.

A sad smile touched my lips and I painfully let go of one more thing that mattered.That meant something to me.

As we reached the main house,I didn't pay attention to the people occupying it.I could feel their stares at me.Some even came to give their condolences,although half hardheartedly. Some snickered and laughed at my misery.Some still kept their anger and hatred.

But I kept on walking.Not acknowledging their presence.Not registering their feebleness.The aftermath of their actions had helped in burning my heart. It didn't matter anymore what they thought. They had lost that right now.They had lost the respect I held for them when they let the unthinkable happen.

I didn't need their acceptance anymore.

I didn't need them.

And I really didn't care anymore.